It never occurred to me that a penis shrinks in cold water. Or in cold weather. Seriously, it's not something I've ever stopped, put a finger to my chin, pulled a serious face over and thought about.
Even when it was mentioned in Seinfeld. It was just one of many jokes; funny, amusing and probably a problem only George could worry about.
But the other day disaster struck.
I was in the sauna. I love saunas.
I had just had a lovely 90 degree sauna (that would be centigrades by the way) and was plunged to over my head in the small and very cold 'cooling bath'.
To be more precise, I was getting out of the cooling bath and as I dragged myself up the stairs out of it (I always feel dizzy and heavy when I try to get out of the cooling bath) I looked up and one of the most gorgeous women I'd ever seen was about to get in.
Now, some people say: "You don't go to a sauna to look at people.", but at the risk of sounding like a complete pervert: "The hell I don't!"
She was beautiful as only Drool Barrymore or Kate Winslet should be. I looked up. Smiled. Looked down...and there was nearly nothing there!
It was withdrawn into reclusiveness, much like Marlon Brando in 'Apocolypse now'.
I never felt so unmanly in all my life!!
So, I was talking to a friend of mine about this very subject. He's a mathematician and he said: Shave yourself. It will make your penis look bigger.
He's a very wise person, so I went home and got about shaving myself...down there.
I don't know if many men have attempted this, but it's a lot more difficult than it seems. I envy women.
The first part is easy. That's a quick flick of the razor. But then you realise that you can't rightfully clip away the 'bearding' and leave the scrotum looking like a hair ball that a cat's just chucked up.
So, I went about...carefully...shaving the scrotum. Then disaster struck once again! At a certain point, much to the rear of the ball sack, you can no longer see what you are doing. You just can't bend that far (and many the man who wishes he could).
Now, I don't know how many men cut themselves whilst shaving, but I do that quite frequently, and let me make this perfectly clear: There are parts of the body you don't want to cut and there are parts of the body YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO CUT.
And that part of your body, where the testicles go flat and reaches over to the anus, is one of those parts.
Luckily, we have a large mirror in the bedroom. So to the sound of AC-DC playing 'highway to hell', I placed myself in front of the large cupboard mirror, with my back to it. Bent down and got to shaving, by looking in the mirror between my legs. It's a lot trickier than it sounds, but it's still a lot safer than doing it blind.
Then my girlfriend walked in on me. With her sister.
Embarrassment comes in various categories from 1 to 10.
The sauna saga was probably a 2 or a 3.
George Bush doing nothing in front of that class after 9-11 was probably a 6 or a 7.
Farting whilst on stage during my monologue at the school play was probably an 8.
But this just topped the scales. Indeed. I probably broke them.
Anyways...
What it all boils down to is that if there is one thing less impressive than penis shrinkage in the sauna. It's penis shrinkage without any hair down there. The withering is just the same, but there's no hiding in the bush. It's there for all to see.
I certainly hope I'm not letting you all into more than you care to know by the way...
Originally posted by shavixmirI think when you read this tomorrow, this may rank as a 10.
Well, drugs and fatigue have taken their toll.
My creativitiy is finito. I'll try to think up an amusing story about warts on arms or something. Although a wart on the bum of a bus-driver would probably be funnier.
Goodnight all.
Originally posted by shavixmirBrilliant! Perhaps you ought to have prosthetic, um...equiptment prepared specifically for use between the cooling bath and the sauna. Perhaps it could be constructed out of some sponge-like material, so that it drastically increases in size once you enter the sauna.
It never occurred to me that a penis shrinks in cold water. Or in cold weather. Seriously, it's not something I've ever stopped, put a finger to my chin, pulled a serious face over and thought about.
Even when it was mentioned in Seinfeld. It was just one of many jokes; funny, amusing and probably a problem only George could worry about.
But the ot ...[text shortened]... e.
I certainly hope I'm not letting you all into more than you care to know by the way...
Originally posted by bbarrfar too much thought has gone into that post. very funny
Brilliant! Perhaps you ought to have prosthetic, um...equiptment prepared specifically for use between the cooling bath and the sauna. Perhaps it could be constructed out of some sponge-like material, so that it drastically increases in size once you enter the sauna.
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Originally posted by shavixmirI'm not surprised you are a social worker, seems the ideal job
It never occurred to me that a penis shrinks in cold water. Or in cold weather. Seriously, it's not something I've ever stopped, put a finger to my chin, pulled a serious face over and thought about.
Even when it was mentioned in Seinfeld. It was just one of many jokes; funny, amusing and probably a problem only George could worry about.
But the ot ...[text shortened]... e.
I certainly hope I'm not letting you all into more than you care to know by the way...
Seriously
😵
Originally posted by shavixmir
It never occurred to me that a penis shrinks in cold water. Or in cold weather. Seriously, it's not something I've ever stopped, put a finger to my chin, pulled a serious face over and thought about.
I think perhaps you need to cut down on taking drugs and posting soon afterwards Shav.