- Joined
- 10 Jan 08
- Moves
- 19785
Star shining faintly in the distance
Burning brighter uncovers path
Peaceful stroll in the starlight
Blast of overpowering light omitted
Head turns away sharply
Save your fragile eyes
Total darkness
The starlight is no more
Lost in body and mind
Frightened anxious lonely
Disorientated gaze into space
A trickle of light reappears
Clinging onto hope
New dreams forming
Wonder excitement anticipation
The golden path is revealed once more
Tentative doubt remains
Walking nervously towards the light
Brightness changing erratically without warning
Intense glare to faint dot in the background
Teasing testing as you stumble along the path
09 Oct 11
Originally posted by Trev33Shouldn't a poem have more rhymes?
Star shining faintly in the distance
Burning brighter uncovers path
Peaceful stroll in the starlight
Blast of overpowering light omitted
Head turns away sharply
Save your fragile eyes
Total darkness
The starlight is no more
Lost in body and mind
Frightened anxious lonely
Disorientated gaze into space
A trickle of light reappears
Clinging onto hop ...[text shortened]... ing
Intense glare to faint dot in the background
Teasing testing as you stumble along the path
09 Oct 11
Originally posted by Trev33Nice poem Trevie.
Star shining faintly in the distance
Burning brighter uncovers path
Peaceful stroll in the starlight
Blast of overpowering light omitted
Head turns away sharply
Save your fragile eyes
Total darkness
The starlight is no more
Lost in body and mind
Frightened anxious lonely
Disorientated gaze into space
A trickle of light reappears
Clinging onto hop ...[text shortened]... ing
Intense glare to faint dot in the background
Teasing testing as you stumble along the path
10 Oct 11
Originally posted by Trev33I think you can do better and I think this is a good start. Constructive crit?
Star shining faintly in the distance
Burning brighter uncovers path
Peaceful stroll in the starlight
Blast of overpowering light omitted
Head turns away sharply
Save your fragile eyes
Total darkness
The starlight is no more
Lost in body and mind
Frightened anxious lonely
Disorientated gaze into space
A trickle of light reappears
Clinging onto hop ...[text shortened]... ing
Intense glare to faint dot in the background
Teasing testing as you stumble along the path
Try and create a thought or vision rather than perfectly describe
Reduce the detail - poetry should FEEL more
Work on your metaphors
Keep going.
- Joined
- 10 Jan 08
- Moves
- 19785
10 Oct 11
Originally posted by SunburntI don't know if this changes anything but the poem isn't about starlight i was using that to describe a hot and cold relationship with a girl. The star is the girl, the light is her mood and the path and the rest is the journey her moods create.
I think you can do better and I think this is a good start. Constructive crit?
Try and create a thought or vision rather than perfectly describe
Reduce the detail - poetry should FEEL more
Work on your metaphors
Keep going.
I can do better, i don't like the poem... it doesn't paint the picture that i wanted it to and it just feels as if it's lacking something.
10 Oct 11
Originally posted by ChessPraxisI like Mike, he let me ride his bike.
Yadda yadda yadda
fancy frilly stuff
bla bla bla bla bla
Right now I'm in the buff
yakka da yakka da yakka da
I'm going to drink a beer
pfft pffft pffft pfffft pfffft
Happy freakin new Year
(There, happy now? 😕)
He also likes to bake cakes
and fishes in a lake.
I met him at a meet and greet
he likes his toast, its whole wheat
Do you have a friend like him?
His brother's name is Jim
His sister's name is Kim
His father's name is Jordan
and so is his mother's.
Have a nice day.
