some quotes i decided to compile whilst rather bored...
"Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak"
"I'm going to live forever or die trying!" - Yossarian, Catch 22
"True friends stab you in the front."
"I love to cook with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food"
"Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
"...and i'm a gamer. well, i used to be." - apple user
"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it."
"all that evil needs to succeed is for good people to do nothing"
"I am nobody
Nobody is perfect
Therefore, I must be perfect!"
"I don't have anything to do with the washing up." (Prince Phillip)
"I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens." (Spike Milligan)
If you have lost both legs and both arms just go 'at least I'm not dead'. Though I'd rather be dead in that situation to be honest- I'm not saying people like that should be put down. I'm saying that in my life I'd rather not live without arms and legs 'cos you know... I'm just getting into yoga. (David Brent)
"I like long walks, especially if the person taking them annoys me" Neil Coward
'God is dead' - Freud
'Freud is dead' - God
"Sometimes evil drives a minivan"
"[We do this] and the other things not because they are easy, but because they are hard..." JFK
"If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement" - Homer
Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)
"Hateful to me as the gates of Hades is that man who hides one thing in his heart and speaks another" - Homer
"live fast,play hard, eat cake"
Robin: 'where'd you get a live fish, Batman?'
Batman: 'The true crime-fighter always carries
everything he needs in his utility belt, Robin.'
"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book."- Cicero, circa 43 BC
"Everywhere I go I'm asked if university stifles writers. My opinion is that it doesn't stifle enough of them." - Flannery O'Connor
"I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde.
"The Ambassador and the General were briefing me on the -- the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice." - George W Bush, October 27, 2003
"In those days spirtis were brace, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centaury were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri."
Douglas Adams
" If you only have two pennies left in the world, with the first penny, you should buy rice to feed your family. With the second penny, says the wise japanese, you should buy a lily." - japanese proverb. apparently.
"Being in love was like China: you knew it was there, and no doubt it was very interesting, and some people went there, but I never would...and then someone passed me a bit of some sweet stuff, and suddenly I realised that I had been to China. So to speak. And I'd forgotten it"
"Och no, someone has thrown a haggis through the window. This is an attack on my Scottish nationality. What have you got to say, Donald?..."
"...Dinnae just sit there wifie; check and see if there's a receipt wi the haggis, we might get a refund."
"Winston, you're drunk"...
..."Bessie, you're ugly but at least I shall be sober in the morning"
Winston Churchill
"Winston, if you were my husband, I would flavour your coffee with poisin"...
..."Madam, if I were your husband, i should drink it"
Winston Churchill
"The sweet is never sweet until you've tasted the sour"
"swill gin, sir i have sipped, lapped and even taken gin introvenously but i have never swilled!"-capt benjamin franklin hawkeye pierce, mash.
"learn from your parents mistakes-always use birth control"
"if you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, then maybe you should land your helicopter someplace else."
"all i know about war is the two rules they taught me in command school, rule 1, young men die and rule 2, doctors cant change rule number 1"-lt col henry blake, mash.
"doing the job right first time gets the job done, doing a job wrong 17 times gets you job security."
"i take life with a wedge of lemon, a pinch of salt and a shot of tequilla"
"the five steps to happiness,
1) find a woman who makes you laugh
2) find a woman who's a great lover
3) find a woman with lots of money
4) find a woman who loves housework
5) make sure none of these women ever met."
"youth is fleeting, but immaturity can last a lifetime."
"hoonestly officer, i havent been drinking, ive only had a few ales" - withnail
"we're not drunk, we're multimillionaires!"- withnail
"I may not believe in what you say, but I will defend with my life your right to say it."
"You wake up in the morning and you look at your old spoon, and you say to yourself, "Mick, it's time to get yourself a new spoon." And you do." -Mick Jagger
"If my calculations are correct:
SLINKY + ESCALATOR = EVERLASTING FUN" -Anon
"The British justice system is one of the best in the world. Anyone who disagrees is either a woman, a gay, or a mentalist" - Little Britain
"Life is only as good as the memories we make"
"This job would be great if it wasn't for the customers."
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
"I'm a hero with coward's legs."
"Another good way of getting people interested is to do a live demonstration. This is all well and good if you're selling food processors or shoe-shine kits, but not so good if you're selling vasectomy shears or cremation services." - Guy Browning, The Daily Telegraph
"We will not introduce top-up fees and have legislated to prevent them." - 2001 Labour Party Manifesto
"life is what happens when you're waiting for life to happen"
"calories are like witches... BURN THEM ALL!"
"do you sell the film 'gone in 60 seconds'" rangers fan in celtic shop
" I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it".
"Its all fun and games until somebody loses an eye... then it's fun and games without depth perception"
"Love is like Pi. Natural, irrational but essential."
"OH NO! The cops!"
"Worse... the 'Police Cops'"
"bones heal, but glory is forever!"
"It's December the 7th 1941. In North Africa Feild Marshal Montgomery's Desert Rats are locked in a deadly struggle with Rommels Africa Corps, in Moscow the Russians were beating back the invading Germans, and in New York 'Dumbo' has just had it's premier." - days that shook the world
i do not want your donut!"
"die? my dear doctor, that's the LAST thing i intend to do!" - an old politican (old to the point of death!)
"God invented safe sex - he called it marriage..."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on..." - a random shot glass
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it..." - groucho marx