My sex life did a Luca Brasi on me.
Some of you may be aware of this due to my occasional moaning, but truth is as truth is told, through lies, deceit, exaggerations or, as I prefer to call it, artistic license. And the truth of the matter is that you can't be a sex God like me and never have a period of rest.
Everything is yin and yang, balanced and un-American. And so is my sex life. Yes, by Jove, I shag like a rabbit and I lick like Lassie, but everything, in it's own particularly cosmic karmatic way is balanced. And so I found myself in a love-low. A sexless pit of no desire. A place where even masturbation is frowned upon. Yes. I've said it once and I'll say it again, there were dead nuns, with chastity belts on, buried beneath St. Paul's in concrete tombs who had better sex lives than me.
But, since everything is balanced, one doesn't need to worry. And so, I, a week or so ago, found myself very attracted to an aphrodite of Double D proportions and lo and behold, she too was attracted to me. I could feel the roller coaster ride of love adrenaline pumping through organs which we won't mention on our beloved, yet prudish, message board.
And as one does before one's come-back gig, one makes sure everything is in perfect working order...
A micro dot. But a dot all the same. Now, I know not how it got there, but there was definately a dot on the love machine; a spot on the baseball bat of sexuality; a blemish on the holiest of holies.
Panic? Not me. I'm cool. Off to the doctors I went.
Trousers around my ankles:
"I don't see anything." He said.
"It's there." I pointed it out.
"I don't think that's anything to worry about."
"I think I'm old and wise enough to determine what I shall or shant worry about, doc."
He took out his magnifying glass and looked down at my member.
Don't be a smart ass! He didn't need the magnifying glass to see my member...see, you're so predictable. Stop distracting me!
So, he had a closer look.
"I think this may be herpes." he said.
"oooh, I very severly doubt that doc." I replied.
"No. It could well be. What else could it be?"
"Wart."
"No, it's not a wart."
"It's not herpes."
"Herpes simplex?"
Now, I don't know, maybe it's just me, but it's not reassuring when a doctor starts asking you questions!
"Herpes bloody simplex?" Okay, I exaggerated the "bloody" there, but hey...
"Here's a cream boy."
So, I was sent away to use the cream for a week.
I'm a gentleman, so I used it and told my Double D Venus that I was too busy to pop by for some old fashioned, up and down, re-balancing of the old yin and yang.
After a week though, that spot was still there. A microcosm of a dot, I assure you, but a dot all the same. So back to the doc I went.
Trousers around my ankles again:
"The herpes cream doesn't seemed to have worked? He asked.
"It's not herpes."
"Mhmmm"
"Mhmmm" is what doctors and psychiatrists say when they've run out of ideas.
"Nothing to worry about." he added.
"Oh, but I seriously think there is." I concluded.
"You still think it's a wart then?"
I don't like doctors asking me questions.
"Ofcourse. What else could it be?"
And so I got wart cream to put on my todger.
Three days later, I kid you not, my double D'd vixon of l'amour (yes, I've run out of mythological female Gods, sue me) ordered me to come by for a supper.
Now, as one does before one's reintegration ceremony d'love, life and 42, I did a last minute check to see how things were going...
And things were not going well down under! In fact, I can safely state that the Aboriginees were being scewered to wooden poles and that rampant mixamotosis was ravaging more than just the local dodo population.
If ever you listen to a word I've said, let it be this: "Don't use wart cream on your penis!"
I swear to God, it looked like Hiroshima in '45, it was remindful of agent orange attacks in Vietnam, it looked like a severe case in a bloody burns-unit (and I'm not talking about a measure of alcohol served by a dead Scottish poet)!
Sweet Jesus, there were lumps of flesh hanging from my member like a bad case of leprosy in Ben Hur. I swear to God I heard the bells toll and some distant, John Cleese like voice mutter: "bring out your dead."
Oh the horror.
8 months of no sex.
8 months of no sex. I can't emphasise this enough.
EIGHT months of me playing Han Solo to my own little wookie.
8 months.
"Mark...let's go to the bedroom."
"Well...no...let's watch Eastenders instead. It's so enthralling."
Originally posted by shavixmirJohnny time ???
My sex life did a Luca Brasi on me.
Some of you may be aware of this due to my occasional moaning, but truth is as truth is told, through lies, deceit, exaggerations or, as I prefer to call it, artistic license. And the truth of the matter is that you can't be a sex God like me and never have a period of rest.
Everything is yin and yang, balanced and ...[text shortened]... g."
Originally posted by BobskiIt reminds of the Pox Clinic doc saying "only keep the cream on for 4 hrs max then wash completely off" then re-apply....then off, then re-apply...which you can do for a couple of days then it's....knobs to this!!! no washing every 4hrs...every 4 hours ..can you imagine that....just a quick wipe and a good look is my new system...then pile the cream on leave it for 18 hours....brilliant I thought until I got in the bath for a good soak...looked down and thought wot the!!!!! isa going on....I've never seen so much flesh....floating in the bath...
I saw him there.
Panic stations....until I had a right good soap up... a quick rinse and hey!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a new willie...about 6 layers of skin came off!
Which was OK cos I never had sex for about 3 months....great! stops her pestering me!
The moral of this story is,,,stop sh@gging other women " stick with the missus" and it will be all chushty.
Originally posted by shavixmirCan you get Dee-Dee to juggle your balls while she talks dirty? At least that way she won't end up with a mouth/vag full of your meat molt.
My sex life did a Luca Brasi on me.
Some of you may be aware of this due to my occasional moaning, but truth is as truth is told, through lies, deceit, exaggerations or, as I prefer to call it, artistic license. And the truth of the matter is that you can't be a sex God like me and never have a period of rest.
Everything is yin and yang, balanced and ...[text shortened]... g."
Originally posted by shavixmirI have the video on Youtube already.
My sex life did a Luca Brasi on me.
Some of you may be aware of this due to my occasional moaning, but truth is as truth is told, through lies, deceit, exaggerations or, as I prefer to call it, artistic license. And the truth of the matter is that you can't be a sex God like me and never have a period of rest.
Everything is yin and yang, balanced and ...[text shortened]... g."
Originally posted by shavixmirWart cream? You mean salicylic acid which melts the wart off? Hahaha!
My sex life did a Luca Brasi on me.
Some of you may be aware of this due to my occasional moaning, but truth is as truth is told, through lies, deceit, exaggerations or, as I prefer to call it, artistic license. And the truth of the matter is that you can't be a sex God like me and never have a period of rest.
Everything is yin and yang, balanced and ...[text shortened]... g."
Originally posted by Pattrick06Rec'ed, not that that means anything these days. I never failed to be baffled by the antiamericanism in these pages, and would have started numerous threads about it if it weren't, perhaps, a rather dull topic. Nonetheless, what a magnificent, vintage slice of pungent sewers-of-Holland genius. Shav I feel bad to have laughed so much at your misfortune; you have my sympathies.
I am sorry you hate America, but I enjoyed your writing talent and story telling...