I don't even know where to start with this one. I guess the key question is the same question that seems to dog my entire bloody life: Is it only me, or do you suffer too?
I am single.
There are various types of people who roam our beautiful planet. Some of them are really pretty, some of them are pretty witty and others are plain, dull and tedious...and when they're teenagers, they are zitty.
Now, if you are one of the beautiful people I presume you can go to a nightclub, stand around and be chatted up.
I, however, am not one of the beautiful people. I need to talk to get anywhere at all and even that is no real compensation for my lack of looks.
My dancing is described as "a toad with a hot needle up it's arse", so that's out of the question as well.
In these nightclubs the music is very loud. I can't hear myself think (probably because I don't), never mind try to carry a conversation. And even if I could, what am I supposed to say?
"Hi. I'm Mark, I can't dance. Fancy a burger?"
See...it's going nowhere and it's getting there fast.
Normally I meet people at parties in other people's houses. But since everyone I know has either had a lobotomy, is married or has just been blessed with eternal boredom, there are no parties any more.
Enter my best friend Ray.
Dating sites
"Mark," he says to me, "you should join the dating site. It's excellent, you meet all kinds of terrific people."
"Wow!" answers I, "That sounds like a complete must then!"
Let me put this straight to you. There is no way around this subject, no delicate way anyways, there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, more tedious than a dating site.
Women get 50 messages a day (enough to drive any person out of their mind) and men get 40 refusals a day and 10 "no answers".
On these dating sites you can fill in what you are like and what you are looking for.
Sigh...
The average women describes herself as:
- sporty
- sense of humour
- smart
- sensitive
- not really looking for a relationship, but is just checking the site out...
And these same 'average' women are looking for:
- sporty
- sense of humour
- clean
- intelligent
- self reliant
- fit
Obviously the first couple of women I wrote to, I said:
"I'm fat, I don't shower, I have a double digit IQ, I need home help and I don't watch football, never mind play a bloody sport."
So much for women looking for someone with a sense of humour! That's all I can bloody say on the matter.
So the next couple of women I wrote to, I went for the intellectual appeal:
"Exitus acta probat, fancy a glass of wine; at the seaside; on a stormy Sunday afternoon?"
I got one reaction: "What's Exotis, acta probit?"
To which I answered: "The least you could do was copy and paste it correctly you fcuking moron."
Funnily enough, I never heard from her again either.
The wedding
Ray and I were the best men. Although to which capacity "best" refers to is beyond me.
We couldn't find the church. Everybody was up in arms and shouting at us over the phone.
Yeah. Like I know where every bloody church is in Holland. Good grief.
So, we get into the church 20 minutes late and are welcomed with a standing ovation. It was not from the bride or groom, I can tell you that.
Now. Somewhere between after the wedding and the next morning there was a meal and party. I remember nothing.
I woke up yesterday morning with my head over a toilet bowl. Such are things in life.
So, another friend; at who's house we were staying, loads the photos of the party onto the computer.
My best friend Ray was dancing around with his trousers around his ankles and his shirt over his head. Oh how I laughed.
Until we got to the newly wed's house for a cup of coffee. Seemingly there was a little 'incident' during the wedding party...
I'd groped the bride's mum's breasts...
There's just no let up in life. Is there?
So, here I am; persona non grata; yet another town on my list of towns I dare not return to; checking out the dating site.
There's a promising young wench by the equally promising name of Salsachick I'm thinking of writing to.
She's looking for someone:
- clean
- clever
- dances salsa
- sweet and caring
I just fit that description to a T!!!! Hell yeah...
How long have you been a single?
I am now since almost 3 years. The first year I couldn't even think about any relationship. Since about half a year, I start to enjoy my life again. And my experience tells me, you have much better chances to meet a suitable women when you are in a good mood and self confident.