Four people were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart, but the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government Worker and said,"What can your cat do?".
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, had sex with the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
😀
A bloke gets a job at the local zoo...
A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.
Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Bother" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.
Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.
He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.
Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.
"bother and double bother!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.
Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "bother, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.
The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.
"Hello" he says.
"Alright" say the other lions
"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion
"Not bad" say the other lions
"Food ok?" enquires the new lion
"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
😀
Bathing the Cat
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
😀
Originally posted by bambeeI hope to whatever powers there are that no one ever tries to do that to me. 🙁 I am afraid I would have to kill someone and prove once and for all that I am the smartest cat that there is. 🙂
Bathing the Cat
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids ...[text shortened]... he now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
😀
~ Cheshire Cat 😀
WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
They'll both stand outside your door and whine, but the cat will
stop when it gets in.
If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.
The only thing a cat expects you to "put out" is food, water,
and a clean litter box.
A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.
When a cat goes to the toilet, he tries not to leave a trace.
You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where he is.
If you stroke a cat, he won't leap on you for sex.
You don't mind that much if a cat brings a different bird home every night.
When a cat comes in at mid-night, he doesn't wake you up by bumping into every item of furniture.
Cats never pretend they know how to fix the VCR.
Cats don't care what size your boobs are.
Cats still love you, even when your perm goes wrong.
Cats love rubbing up to your legs, however much cellulite you have.
Cats can be neutered if they stray.
It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
A cat might actually listen to you.
You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
You've got a better chance of actually training a cat.
Cats are always cute.
A cat is never late for dinner.
Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!
You'll never get a call from your cat's Ex.
A cat would never leave you for a younger women.
Cats treat your mom with respect.
Cats don't worry about hair loss.
It feels nice to stroke a cat's soft, fluffy fur.
A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.
Cats never show love without meaning it.
To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs $1.00
Cats actually think with their heads.
Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.
Cats comfort you when you are sick.
When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.
A cat matures as it grows older.
Back hair on cats is cute.
A cat is loyal.
"Meow" is never a lie.
Cats never want the shower first.
A cat never feels that they have to give you directions.
A cat never criticizes your driving.
😀
Why Cats Are Better Than Dogs
Cats purr. Dogs drool.
Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're horny.
Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wakeup licks.
Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won't let you throw them.
Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs just crash right in front of the screen.
Fewer cat owners suffer from 'Flappy Tail' lacerations than dog owners.
No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat".
Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'.
Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
Why do you think they call it, "Dog Breath?"
😀