Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
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A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly mare, you have completely ruined my life.'"
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
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TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.
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A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”
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Two blokes from down under came to the western US to hunt deer. The first day they were lucky enough to actually shoot a 6 point buck. They both grabbed the buck by the tail and started to drag it the approximately 5 miles back to their car, but had a terrible time dragging it that way because the antler kept snagging in the underbrush and trees.
A yank happened to come by and said, "Hey Guys, why don't you each grab an antler and pull it? It will be a lot easier."
The two intrepid hunters decided to give that a try and sure enough it worked great: they made great progress in a short span of time. After about an hour the guy from Sidney said "Maybe we should try pulling it by the tail again - we are getting pretty far from the car."
There's a tech convention at a hotel . Three men step up to the urinals in the bathroom at the same time . They simultainiously realize by the name tags , that they are all competitors .The first finishes , goes to the sink and begins daintily washing his finger tips . He looks back at the other two and says "I went to school at MIT , and we learned to be precise , concentrate our efforts , and waste nothing ."
The second finishes and goes to the sink . He rolls up his shirt sleeves and begins vigorously scrubbing from his elbows to his finger tips . " I went to Berkley . And we were taught to cover everything , leave nothing to chance , and make sure the job is thouroughly done the first time ."
The third man finishes , zips up and heads for the door . He says "I went to tech school . We were taught not to piss on our fingers ."
Man: "God, how far is a million miles to you?"
God: "A million miles is like one inch to me."
Man: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God: "A million years is like one second to me."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
God: "A million dollars is like one penny to me."
Man: "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
God: "Sure. Just a second."