Went to go and watch an outdoor screening of a film last night. Of more interest though, was a rather excellent stand-up comic/poet type bloke - going by the name of Matt Harvey - who was on beforehand. It was my first experience of such a thing and one I can readily recommend. Here are a couple of Mr Harvey's, albeit minus theatrical performance and delivery, so use yer imagination:
To a special slope:
You're such a radiant gradient
A smooth one, not a hilly one
Your red-rimmed sign says you're one-in-nine
But to me you're one in a million
My favourite - not so much for it's "joke-ness", but more from the language used - was this:
I felt I needed some curtains, so I went to buy some material from the curtain material shop, or haberdashery...
Curtains...
I said to the assistant - a man of about my age, about my height, slightly smarter than me, if you can imagine such a thing:
"I need some material."
He said, "What's it for?"
"It's for curtains"
"What are the curtains for?"
"They're to keep prying eyes out and warmth in."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, I want them to represent me."
I felt myself blushing as I said this, but he said: "Don't be embarrassed. This is a haberdasher's. We get all sorts in here. How do you want them to represent you?"
"I want them to speak of who I am."
"What? To say who you are?"
"No, not to say it directly, but to speak of it. I want something that speaks of who I am. That doesn't shout it, insisting that you hear, but simply states it, quietly, and lets it hang there in the air."
"And who are you, Sir, curtain-material-wise?"
I looked at him. Or, rather, through him, to the far off place where the truth lies concealed beneath the evergreen bush of indifference, assumptions, distraction, and the fear that nothing will ever come to any good. I looked beneath this bush, noted what I saw, and said: "I'm a velvet person."
"Velvet, Sir. Any particular velvet?"
"Crushed velvet. Crushed, but not ultimately defeated. Do you have a velvet that's lost a lot of battles but still has a fighting chance in the war?"
"I believe we may have such a velvet, Sir. What colour?"
"What colour? I don't know, but whatever colour, I'd like a shade that's poised between light and dark, that's neither dull nor bright. I'd like a hue that says hold me, but don't fence me in. A tone that says touch me, but respect my right to pull away, perhaps even to shudder. Do you have such a colour?"
"I believe so. Any particular pattern?"
"Yes, I'd like a pattern, but I'd like a patternless pattern, if you get my meaning."
"Very good."
"I want a pattern that says: Here is someone who's taken a good look. Who's looked at life, held it up to the light and said, 'I see.' Who's looked into the dark corners of their own soul, held the gaze of what looked back at them, and said, 'That's me.' "
And the assistant said: "I'll just see if I have that in stock, Sir."
I said: "Thanks."
He came back a couple of minutes later, with a roll of cloth.
"Is that it?"
"I'm afraid not, Sir. We didn't have any crushed-but-not-defeated velvet with a neither/nor colour and patternless pattern which implies someone who's had a good, hard look in stock, Sir."
"Oh."
"I'm afraid we sold the last few metres yesterday. To someone from Social Services."
"Oh."
"But we do have this pale beige."
"Yes? What would it say about me?"
"It would say: "Here is someone who knew a bargain when he saw one at £2.99 a metre. And wasn't afraid to have people think he was a pillock."
I said, "Fine, I'll take that one."
Anyone else similarly enjoyed such a thing/have any recommendations on who to see? I gather John Hegley is s'posed to be very good.