Right now at least I believe that I may be right in saying that most of Stephen Wright's writers were rightly written off as his right hand writers because what they did write, was mostly a right load of writers rotten writings. I am writing this right now hoping I am right ? Could I be wrong? Not a chance!🙄

"When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move.
Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."

"When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, 'Five.' He said, 'When I was your age, I was six.'"

"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, 'Hello, Information.' I said, 'I can't find my socks.' She said, 'They're behind the couch.' And they were!"

"Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown."

"I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep."

"Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...
They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, 'I'll wait.'"

http://www.cis.upenn.edu/~udani/humor/stevenwright.html

I like:

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

As a little known but actually well respected old scientist I once knew he embraced all the latest technologies that were readily available to him. but like so many he was more successful with the inventiveness than the commercial success of his products. A pre chewed steak machine was another excellent idea for people who just loved to eat all manner of steaks, but had either unsuitable denture type teeth substitutes or simply found chewing steaks difficult or basically impossible. It was not quite a juicer as small chunks of steak remained in the machine which was basically shaped similar to a human mouth but a sealed all round container shaped not unlike a medium sized coconut.. It was a requirement to deposit generous amounts of your own fresh saliva through a drooling tube at the top and you inserted the steak via a pull out drawer near the bottom. Mechanical non metal chomping teeth inside then chewed it all up to the desired chomp size. The drawer contents were then emptied on to your dinner plate or suitable dinner/salad bowl. He gifted my father one for Christmas one year and he loved it, but a lifelong dryness of mouth meant my mother usually had to provide the fresh saliva and the steak. Many other great ideas were forthcoming but only about 5-10% were actually money making useful ideas. This invention actually made money not lose money. It was very popular with new mothers and some elderly people. After this success he quit all his invention works for more than 12 years spending the profits touring many countries worldwide. He later recalled to me an interesting little incident that occurred while touring through west Berlin as it was known in his days-😲

"Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So. What did you think?'" -Steven Wright

I think I'll buy my Dad a book of Wright's one-liners for Christmas this year. He specialises in telling rather similar jokes to my Mum.

Another one-liner specialist, with a more surreal bent, is our very own Milton Jones. He's a comic genius, and one of Mock The Week's most redeeming features.

Originally posted by NoEarthlyReason
I think I'll buy my Dad a book of Wright's one-liners for Christmas this year. He specialises in telling rather similar jokes to my Mum.

Another one-liner specialist, with a more surreal bent, is our very own Milton Jones. He's a comic genius, and one of Mock The Week's most redeeming features.

Just 8 days before leaving first stop west berlin on a much needed extended vacation[12 years!] a rambling old professor I once new completed his last earlier years invention and gave the usual public disply. He needed to sell a lot of them to make any real profits. Self raising pull up and down underpants/ under garments, a very simple idea of a modest but respectable electrical charge running through a very thin electricity conducting wire inserted near the top of the garments, this all round wire attached to a pulley system of even thinner barely visible wire cage apparatus sewn in to the garments, caused the garments to be pulled upwards at an alarming rate, It was designed to assist those with physical handicaps or great difficulty bending down or over. A simple on/off button sewn in to the top was the only method of functionality. ^ internal batteries were an extra optional add on but most people preferred the cheapest option of plugging straight in to a wall. Again it was a working success but too scary to become popular. 2 days before leaving for west Berlin he officially semi abandoned the idea and soon boarded a ship for Germany.😳

Originally posted by RECUVIC
Just 8 days before leaving first stop west berlin on a much needed extended vacation[12 years!] a rambling old professor I once new completed his last earlier years invention and gave the usual public disply. He needed to sell a lot of them to make any real profits. Self raising pull up and down underpants/ under garments, a very simple idea of a modest but ...[text shortened]... ing for west Berlin he officially semi abandoned the idea and soon boarded a ship for Germany.😳

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space.
On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'"

"I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it.
I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6'."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there.
Hunters would be all confused."

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

http://www.cis.upenn.edu/~udani/humor/stevenwright.html

from the ramblings of an old scientist I once knew
A.D. 1966 august. arriving west Berlin he quickly became aware there were no scientists of any kind anywhere in that part of the city willing to admit to being scientists. It seemed that they had all either been trapped in east Berlin or had simply fled there? Later he claimed this was not correct.He told me years later that the CIA and MI6 and several other well known national and multi national government sponsored criminal organisations had in fact kidnapped all those scientists in WB who had made unintentionally themselves available to kidnapping! This was done pure and simple to prevent them from defecting to the east or being kidnapped to the east or simply murdered by paid assassins . He also told me that their fate and feet were never known thereafter. It is possible he was wrong about these assertions however it is also possible he was not? He never presented any evidence one way or the other. Rec.😲😲

Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"Atheism is a nonprophet organization."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'where's the self-help section?'
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"If a man is standing in the middle of the for ...[text shortened]...
Note: Ten more comedy lines from Steven Wright from a different site (of which there are many).

Originally posted by sonhouse
Steve Wright is a great comedian for sure, watched him for a long time.

I liked his joke about flying downtown in his helicopter, couldn't find a parking place, so he tied the copter to a pole and left it running🙂