"Steven Wright, Comedian"

"Steven Wright, Comedian"

"Steven Wright: Steven Alexander Wright is an Academy Award winning American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Wright
Born: December 6, 1955, Cambridge, MA. Awards: Academy Award for Best Short Film (Live Action) Albums: I Have a Pony. TV shows: Hercules, The Downer Channel, Bob, Trying Times. Movies: Reservoir Dogs (1992); The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988); Coffee and Cigarettes (2003); The Swan Princess (1994). -Google

"I was once walking through the forest, alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it."

"In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence."

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"I have a microwave fireplace. I can lie down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes."

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film."

"Black holes are where God divided by zero."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio
and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'"

"Sponges grow in the ocean ... that kills me. I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen."

"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"

"If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses."

"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'"

http://jpetrie.myweb.uga.edu/wright.html

Note: Here are twelve comedy lines from Steven Wright. I hope you'll contribute a few favorites of your own.

My father keen to tell me 'the facts of life' as he saw them to be and being of a reserved type in manner of speech and explanation, had been asked by his wife who was also my mother to relieve her of this burdensome task as she saw it. A twenty two minute entirely one sided conversation his not mine took place in the little garden shed at the bottom of the little garden where the little house stood. A little later having fallen asleep there I realized my father was gone and the sun was going also. I retired to my bedroom and wondered if I had imagined the little shed talk. In the morning fresh and awake at breakfast I asked dad if he had had a talk with me in the shed late yesterday afternoon. He seemed surprised and told me that he no longer considered it appropriate to discuss much of anything with a 28 year old son. He assumed I knew it all as I always had claimed. My mother across the breakfast table almost smiled in a peculiar kind of way that I failed to understand so I said nothing very much after that and left the table. Many years later in her great old age my mother to my great surprised announced she was a life long closeted cross dresser. Nobody took it seriously being the supposed ramblings of a supposed senile old lady. However that day way back in the distant past came to mind again as we sat at table yet again for breakfast. I had moved away from my parents home and was visiting a few days but could see my mother across the table only as I had done all that time ago. Still with that weird slightly off track grin on that shriveled wizen old face of hers. My father was by this time in a home for the pleasantly insane but harmless and had been for countless years by then ,so there was little I could do about conversation with him. Even now I still cannot be certain who spoke to me in that little shed or even if anyone did? What do you think?😴

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"Atheism is a nonprophet organization."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'where's the self-help section?'
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"

"Is there another word for synonym?"

"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'"

"If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?"

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"

http://www.cis.upenn.edu/~udani/humor/stevenwright.html

Note: Ten more comedy lines from Steven Wright from a different site (of which there are many).

Cut and Paste at it's finest.

Originally posted by orangutan
Cut and Paste at it's finest.

Still, he could have chosen far worse. Wright, next to CK (for different reasons, obviously),
is one of my personal favourites. Though it would have been more interesting to read
grampy's own thoughts on the man.

Originally posted by orangutan
Cut and Paste at it's finest.

Hi, Orangutan. I appreciate your presence @ Steven Wright's Performance. With all of the chaotic dislocations and radical changes in the world today, it's quite comforting to know that some things are still the same. Here's Part 1 of 5. Enjoy!

YouTube

Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
Movies: Reservoir Dogs (1992); The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988); Coffee and Cigarettes (2003); The Swan Princess (1994).

You left out his greatest performance. The Guy on the Couch in Half Baked.

Originally posted by C Hess
Still, he could have chosen far worse. Wright, next to CK (for different reasons, obviously),
is one of my personal favourites. Though it would have been more interesting to read
grampy's own thoughts on the man.

"Steven Wright Biography: Date of Birth: December 6, 1955. Born in New York City, Steven Wright grew up in Boston.
As a teenager, he enjoyed staying up late to watch The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson, especially when comedians were featured. He decided he wanted to be a comedian too, but was afraid to admit it out loud. Instead, he attended Boston's Emerson College, graduating with a degree in mass communications.

He decided to finally give comedy a try at the age of 23, when he attended an open mike night at a Boston comedy club.
His dry humor, delivered with a poker face in a monotone, was a hit. When he was invited to appear on The Tonight Show
in 1982, he knew his dream had come true. Wright was so well received that he was asked to come back the following week, and soon found himself making appearances on other comedy/late night talk shows such as Saturday Night Live and Late Night with David Letterman. His debut album, I Have a Pony, was nominated for a Grammy in 1986..."
http://www.tribute.ca/people/steven-wright/2283/

CH, with your at time unusual sense of humour, I'm not surprised that Steven Wright is one of your "personal favourites".
My wife, Evelyn, and I watched several of his appearances with Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show in 1982 while living in Houston, Texas. We both enjoyed his off the wall humor immensely. In the 1990's my son Eric and his wife attended a live performance in Boston and thoroughly enjoyed the evening. I appreciate Wright's unique low key rugged individualism.

Originally posted by darvlay
You left out his greatest performance. The Guy on the Couch in Half Baked.

darvlay, as usual, keen eyed and appreciative of meaningful detail; thanks for weighing in. -Bob

"Filmography:

The Aristocrats(2005)
Son of the Mask(2005)
Coffee and Cigarettes(2004)
Loser(2000)
The Muse(1999)
Babe: Pig in the City (1998) (voice)
1999 (1998)
Half Baked (1998) (uncredited)
For Better or Worse (1996)
Canadian Bacon (1995)
Mixed Nuts (1994)
Speechless (1994)
The Swan Princess (1994) (voice)
Natural Born Killers(1994)
So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)
Reservoir Dogs (1992) (voice)
Men of Respect (1991)
Stars and Bars (1988)
Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)

Filmography:

Actor The Aristocrats (2005)
Actor Coffee and Cigarettes (2004)
Actor Loser (2000)
Actor The Muse (1999)
Actor Babe: Pig in the City (1998)"

Note: Same site link provided to C. Hess...
http://www.tribute.ca/people/steven-wright/2283/

Originally posted by darvlay
You left out his greatest performance. The Guy on the Couch in Half Baked.

Originally posted by darvlay
You left out his greatest performance. The Guy on the Couch in Half Baked.

Half Baked (1998) 82 min. Comedy | Crime. 16 January 1998 (USA) Ratings: 6.7/10 from 40,678 users.
Metascore: 16/100 Reviews: 162 user | 40 critic | 14 from Metacritic.com

"The story of three not so bright men who come up with a series of crazy schemes to get a friend out of jail."

Director: Tamra Davis. Writers: Dave Chappelle, Neal Brennan.
Stars: Dave Chappelle, Guillermo Díaz, Jim Breuer
See full cast and crew » http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120693/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_14

I never wanted anything to do with my fathers job as he was employed by a rich nearby man as a man who was required to do it all. He was on call 25 hours a day 8 days a week and very well paid, but the job was almost as horrible as the rich employer man was. I knew nothing of science and the scientific world at just 8 years old but began to notice that my mothers dark hair was very big all bunched up on top her head. why was mine and my dads not like that I wondered so I asked her. She said it was because she had more hair than either of us but could not explain why so I dug a little deeper in to the hairy mystery. I even went down the street to her hairdresser Pauline but she seemed a little lost about what my question really was. Finally I went to our local library and presented my junior membership card. the nice lady showed me where to find information on hair and I grabbed at 4 likely looking books. she said I could take 3 of them home on loan so I did and found out that hair has some very interesting scientifically proven properties. Unknown to me I was already steering a course more to biology than science but by this time I was convinced I was already a scientist, and decided I wanted to remain so always. I needed more hair and urgently so I would search my mothers hair brushes and combs and things of that nature and even snuck in to her room at nights to gently snip away a few hairs as she slept. It was necessary to recreate an exact replica of my mothers hair quantity size shape and so on but it had to be done with great stealth. The need to find the answers that eluded me was overpowering for such an open curious mind as mine was then. My mood improved as each day went by but my mothers rapidly deteriorated . She never told me why and began the life of a semi recluse keeping her entire head save here eyes and nose covered up indoors and eventually ceased going out altogether. My dad just said she would be sick a while and not to worry as she was taking some pills a doctor had given her one day. I was horrified 2 months later she emerged from her room with more leg and arm and no doubt body hair than your local neighborhood werewolf but bald as an egg on her head she was. So sad a sight I could bare it no longer and on that Thursday evening I snuck again in to that dark undusted gloomy recluse room of hers and reattached all the hair I had borrowed these last 8 months. I used wood glue because it was non stingy cheap and we had lots of it in the little shed. Three hours later at 5 am or just after I left the room silently as usual and went back to sleep in my room opposite hers. That was the last time I was to see her for almost two years. After that I was allowed to visit her up to 3 times a week. She was living in a large house way out in the country with lots of other people I had never seen before. A few weeks later she returned home and all seemed to be just as before she became sick. Nobody ever mentioned her sick times again so neither did I. More than ever I was convinced after this very upsetting time that my future lay in some kind of scientific field. Perhaps I could some how help others as I had helped my mother recover her hair her dignity and her sense of self satisfaction. I did not want to be a doctor dealing directly with sick people but I knew I wanted to help somehow. I though perhaps the hairdresser had damaged her hair somehow so many years with more resources available I invented the self propelled smart hairdresser cutter. A mini motor attached to tiny cutting rollers inside an all man made material hat. You simply slipped it over the customers head plug it in to the wall socket and choose 1 2 or 3 minutes all over head trim. A small vacuum at the top sucked all the trimmings up in to the top of hat hair collection bag and it was all done. a few manual snips and tidy up finishes once the hat was removed and the customers usually expressed their approval. Men appeared to approve a lot more than women but men often have a history of approving of machines to a greater extent than some women do? The machine itself did suffer some minor detailing issues and rather than spend the necessary monies on redevelopment I decided to move on to more profitable ideas, but it was very practical indeed if you wanted not much more than a quick trim and tidy up? Far quicker more efficient and way cheaper than a traditional barber. Some of my later ideas were even more successful.

Originally posted by orangutan
Cut and Paste at it's finest.

Your "app" is still valued highly.

Originally posted by RECUVIC
My father keen to tell me 'the facts of life' as he saw them to be and being of a reserved type in manner of speech and explanation, had been asked by his wife who was also my mother to relieve her of this burdensome task as she saw it. A twenty two minute entirely one sided conversation his not mine took place in the little garden shed at the bottom of the lit ...[text shortened]... ll cannot be certain who spoke to me in that little shed or even if anyone did? What do you think?😴

Well, Rec, that's quite an anecdotal account of your introduction to the telling of the mysteries of the Birds & Bees at such a tender age. I note that your reply to Steven Wright's Comic One Liners has already become the coincidental fillip of Sicilian Sausage's "Bumble bees" thread regarding his household pest infestation. Let's hope the extermination service responds to eradicate the nuisance. Methinks you're one of Steven Wright's writers, unacknowledged behind the scenes. Correct?

Originally posted by Kegge
Your "app" is still valued highly.

Originally posted by Kegge (Reply to Orangutan)
Your "app" is still valued highly.

Originally posted by Grampy Bobby Thread 147093 (Page 8)
"Remember Crowley talking it up for awhile a few years ago until he disappeared. Otherwise, don't have a clue as to who actully wrote it, how you obtain it, it's cost or even what it does for your computer screen once installed. Do you know of anybody using it presently?"

Originally posted by HandyAndy (June 17, 2012)
Get Firefox = http://getfirefox.com
Get the Greasemonkey extension = https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/748
get sanity http://rhp42.110mb.com/gm_scripts/gbaway.user.js

So, Kegge, who wrote the software? Orangutan? If so and it's working why are the two of you reading and posting here?

Originally posted by orangutan
Cut and Paste at it's finest.

It is finest?