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  1. Standard memberadam warlock
    Baby Gauss
    Ceres
    Joined
    14 Oct '06
    Moves
    18375
    18 Jan '14 16:44
    In the last few years I've had less and less time for the outside world, so this may be old news for the most of you.

    But just in case it isn't please take a look into the Amazon review page of Haribo's sugar free gummy bears. I swear to God that I haven't laugh that hard in ages:

    The prose on most of those reviews is simply amazing and the subject matter (poop jokes teehee!) also helps. So without further ado here it is:

    http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/product-reviews/B000EVQWKC/ref=cm_cr_pr_btm_link_1?ie=UTF8&filterBy=addOneStar&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=byRankDescending

    It's really hard to pick the best of the best but I really like this review [spoilers!]:
    It's remarkable how quickly one knows that one is about to have a traumatic pottymaking experience. Maybe that's the body's way of buying you the precious seconds you need. I was already calculating the number of steps to the bathroom, speculating on whether I would have time to lift the lid to the toilet, when my own voice cried out loudly in my head.
    She's going to hear EVERYTHING!
    Thanks to an acoustical idiosyncrasy in my building, the hallway outside the bathroom works as an amplifier pointed straight at my living room-slash-kitchen. So that somehow even the gentlest tinkle sounds like I'm pouring lemonade out of a bucket.
    With only half an idea of what I was doing, I grabbed Andrea's hand and pulled her roughly down onto my sofa. I must have looked like a madman as I booted up my iTunes playlist, plugged in the gigantic new headphones I had just bought to keep me looking young and hip, and clamped them down over her ears. (the sweat forming on my brow and upper lip couldn't have helped.) In response to her nervous expression, I kept shouting "You'll love this! You'll love this!"
    I spun her around so that she was looking out the window. My "plan" was that she'd be so distracted by the modest 4th floor view, that it would allow me to pull my pants off while I sprinted down the hall, silently singing the praises of the noise-reducing quality of my new headphones. (this story will be reprinted in its entirety as a 5 star review on the Sony Beats Audio Amazon page.)
    As I slammed the bathroom door shut, already half naked, it occurred to me that I had not been shouting "You'll love this!" at Andrea. I don't even know how to say that in German. In my desperation I had been saying "Ich Leibe Dich!" Repeatedly professing my love for her in a shaky and frantic voice. But maybe that was a good thing, because as I threw myself at the toilet, I figured the best I could hope for is that she would be so creeped-out that she would sneak out of the apartment, blissfully unaware of the carnage taking place in the next room.
    What can I say about the ensuing white-knuckle bowel movement that hasn't been expressed in other reviews on this page? I'm pretty sure I haven't seen the adjective "Kafkaesque" used anywhere else.
    By the end of Act One of this private little torture-porn movie, I was confessing to every unsolved crime in history. Praying I would stumble upon the one that would satisfy my invisible captors.
  2. SubscriberSuzianne
    Misfit Queen
    Isle of Misfit Toys
    Joined
    08 Aug '03
    Moves
    35761
    19 Jan '14 16:29
    I like the one where the guy bought the gummy bears and then melted them down and coated popcorn balls with them and took them to work anonymously. After the boss finds them, hilarity ensues!
  3. Standard memberadam warlock
    Baby Gauss
    Ceres
    Joined
    14 Oct '06
    Moves
    18375
    19 Jan '14 22:02
    Originally posted by Suzianne
    I like the one where the guy bought the gummy bears and then melted them down and coated popcorn balls with them and took them to work anonymously. After the boss finds them, hilarity ensues!
    I don't remember reading that one. *goes back to amazon page*
  4. SubscriberSuzianne
    Misfit Queen
    Isle of Misfit Toys
    Joined
    08 Aug '03
    Moves
    35761
    20 Jan '14 01:13
    Originally posted by Suzianne
    I like the one where the guy bought the gummy bears and then melted them down and coated popcorn balls with them and took them to work anonymously. After the boss finds them, hilarity ensues!
    It's on the "5-star reviews" page, not the 1-star reviews page.

    Most of these were slightly worse because these people got them to seek revenge on someone, thus 5-stars for the product.
  5. SubscriberKewpie
    since 1-Feb-07
    Joined
    20 Jan '09
    Moves
    322045
    20 Jan '14 03:28
    I've had problems with sugarless sweets before (because whoever eats just one?) but at least in this country they're only packed in 50 gram bags so all you get is a small disturbance!
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