The Alternative String Theory.

1. Why String Theory?

Having completed extensive research on the theory of theories, I have determined that 'String Theory - The Alternative' spontaneously sprang into existence to explain all the other theories, and tie up all those annoying loose ends.

2. String Basics

Closed strings
· These are strings which curve back on themselves and are joined in some way.
· Perfect Closed Strings (PCS) have their ends neatly spliced together so you can't see the join, even with an electron microscope
· Imperfect Closed Strings (ICS) have the ends joined in some other way (e.g. SuperGlue). The joins can be made using either the SBS (strand-by-strand) method which looks very similar to a PCS to the untrained researcher, or the OGD (one-great-dollop) method, which even an ageing scientist with cataracts can spot at a hundred paces.
· BTS (Badly Tied Strings) are often confused with closed strings by the average tabloid reader, but careful examination will reveal there are still two open ends.
Open strings
· These are strings which are not closed - see BTS above.
Modes, gravitons (pronounced 'Gravy-tons'😉
· This a complex part of the theory (involving black holes, event horizons and the supply of instant gravy browning) which explains why strings can only be pushed if liberally coated in gravy browning and allowed to dry.
Interactions
· The most potent interaction observed during research into String Theory is the SKS or Self-Knotting Syndrome that many strings suffer when away from the 'mother ball'. This bears a striking resemblance to the ICT (Instant Cable Tangle) problem endemic in all computer and communications organisations. In both cases, the memory effect is sufficient to ensure a repeat of the problem no matter how many times they are un-knotted.
· Additional interactions include HRT (Horizontally Reducing Twist), PMT (Progressively Mutating Twist) and ETC (all other interactions).
Perturbation theory
· This part of the theory predicts the number of corporately-funded professors who are perturbed at the thought of their research grants being withdrawn following the publication of this document.

3. More Strings

There are more types of strings than Steven Hawking can shake a stick at, and each one is unique because of the variations in linear amplitude, and that's without considering sub-classes such as twine, cord and rope.
D-branes
· This special case resulted from the use of an old tape in the dictation machine, and we can't now remember if it was a reference to a particularly stupid researcher (P-brain) or a variation on the collective pre-free-radical string state (The Skane as an alternative to The Ball).
Superstrings
· These are really super bits of string that are made from some shiny stuff that looks really nice when used for present fastening.
Extra dimensions: Kazoo-Calvin-Klein theory
· There are two parts to this theory. Firstly, if Calvin-Klein put their name on a string vest and advertised it with a kazoo on the sound track, there would STILL be some morons who thought it was cool to wear the stuff (e.g. the P-brain mentioned above).
· The second part of the theory won't be available until the test-marketing and focus-group results have been thoroughly analysed.

4. Advanced Topics

String duality
· This states that a piece of string will always have two ends (or none in the case of a closed string). This is sometimes referred to as dual-duality.
M-theory
· This states that the 'mother ball' will always be greater than the sum of the strings. It also explains why you can push a ball of string.
Black holes
· These are places where God wasn't able to turn on the light because the string-pull had broken, and He knew that String Theory had yet to spontaneously appear. Besides, He didn't have any spare bits of string.

5. Summary

Unknown to past scientists, string theory provided a supporting framework for everything they held dear (Einstein, for example used it to hold his trousers/pants up).
String Theory is an exciting new area of research for the new millennium. It has the potential to put into perspective the great discoveries of the past.

I disagree with your assumptions in the field of a highly developed science. This theory deserves serious consideration and I would like to help all of my friends by telling you how you can see an educational movie on this topic. The movie (just released) is called "THE ELEGANT UNIVERSE". I personally paid $100 bucks to get the first copy, but you can get it now for around $24. Just enter the title into Google.

arrakis

String Theory is a philosophy, not a science. Although String can be proven to exist simply by opening that old drawer in the kitchen, the theory of Strings opens up a can of worms for science.

Superspace and Quantum Gravity, no problem. But I'm afraid Strings just don't cut it and before long the idea will surely fall into a black hole.

So shouldn't the proper name for that, since they held up Einstiens trousers, be called Einstring theory?🙂 BTW you should have held off putting in this alternate theory for about 5 days.

Originally posted by arrakis
I disagree with your assumptions in the field of a highly developed science. This theory deserves serious consideration and I would like to help all of my friends by telling you how you can see an educational movie on this topic. The movie (just released) is called "THE ELEGANT UNIVERSE". I personally paid $100 bucks to get the first copy, but you can get it now for around $24. Just enter the title into Google.

arrakis

Originally posted by Bowmann
String Theory is a philosophy, not a science. Although String can be proven to exist simply by opening that old drawer in the kitchen, the theory of Strings opens up a can of worms for science.

Superspace and Quantum Gravity, no problem. But I'm afraid Strings just don't cut it and before long the idea will surely fall into a black hole.

Originally posted by Bowmann
Why pay when you can get it for free?

Originally posted by arrakis
Disagree again. It's not a pholosophy - it's actually based on HARD mathematical equations as well as on several tests run to prove that the equations were correct, and they were!

Like I said, people should view the video on it.

The really cool thing about string theory is that when you take quantum mechanics and the "General Theory of Relativity" and go backward and time to the creation of the universe, it works. Nowhere else in science can it happen. Also, as stated before, the mathematical equations work, even though there is many different versions of string theory. They all work, which is kinda of interesting, and confusing, since all the string theories have more dimesions then was thought.

Originally posted by Bowmann

Superspace and Quantum Gravity, no problem. But I'm afraid Strings just don't cut it and before long the idea will surely fall into a black hole.

To bad you haven't elaborated on the heterotic string theories (yet). I am looking forward to it.

The strange phenomenon of spontaneously knotted string occurs only when it is not observed directly, as in shoe laces which only that morning were tied perfectly correctly, at night are mysteriously knotted beyond logical reasoning. However, this is only a small addition to an otherwise colossal piece of investigative science.

Steven Hawking is a nut