I’ve received a number of PM’s regarding my article “Happiness is a warm gun”, some of them asking for some more information on trying to achieve a state of happiness.
I could quite easily refer to Bertrand Russel’s philosophic study of it: “The conquest of happiness” (from which I’ve obviously taken this title), but I feel a more personal approach will be more accessible.
I’m going to touch on two subjects: You. And everyone else.
Imagine, if you will, that you came home on an evening and your partner says to you: “You are ugly. You are stupid. I hate everything about you. You are good for nothing and I don’t like you all that much.”
Imagine that? What would you do?
Say you came home the next night and your partner repeated it. Really meaning it. Really having a vicious go at you. What would you do?
Say your partner kept saying this every time you came home. Every time you did something.
What would you do?
Generally speaking you’d boot your partner out of your house and tell him/her to go and penetrate him or herself. (if you don’t, then that probably means there’s something else wrong altogether and you should seek help to build up your self-esteem. Not something that can be done in the space of a single thread).
So, if you wouldn’t accept your partner saying such things about you, why do you accept yourself saying them to you?
You can boot your partner out the door, but you are stuck with yourself for life. No matter how unhandy you are; how ugly you are; how shockingly bad you are at things. You are you and there’s no getting around it.
Everybody does stupid things. Forgive yourself. Be nice to yourself. Pat yourself on your back. Laugh about your faults and mistakes. Sure, you can reprimand yourself, but once you’ve done that. Get over it. Forgive yourself. And carry on being nice to yourself.
Everyone else
From time to time someone’s going to call me one of the following:
- An altruistic fool (why waste my time trying to make other people happy?)
- A philanthropic idiot (make yourself happy, don’t bother with other people, they don’t do the same for you, do they?)
- A good for nothing do-gooder (leave me alone Mark, I’ll be what I bloody well want to be).
- A rec whore (you only write what you write for the attention you receive).
Let me give you some facts though:
- The majority of abused women were abused as children.
- The majority of people remain in the same income bracket they were brought up in.
- Ex-drug addicts tend to relapse if they remain in the same group of friends they were in when they were drug addicts.
- A test in Leiden (a university city in Holland) showed that people begging in a 3-piece suit receive more money than people begging in tattered clothing. When the people who were giving money were asked why, they nearly all responded with: “He looked more trustworthy.”
What all the facts point to is that you are a product of your environment. Your environment moulds and shapes you. It forms you to be what you are.
If you live in a creative, free and constructive environment, you are more likely to be creative and constructive yourself.
If you live, however, in a bitter environment which is sceptical of, say, change, then you are most likely not to change.
So, what at first may seem altruistic and philanthropic, is actually a very “self protective” approach to life. If I can make other people happy, constructive and positive, that will benefit me! Equally important is that a constructive and creative environment will make everyone happy. And the happier children are as children…generally…the happier they will be as adults.
Helping to create a happy environment is helping to make yourself happier.
Goals and aims
Before I move on to the list, I want to say a wee something about goals.
From the day you are born you are generally taught about goals, or aims. What do you want to be? What do you want to do?
Most people are taught along the lines of: “The end justifies the means.” (which, incidentally is an old Jesuit saying).
So, you want to be a rock and roll star?
So, you want to be a famous novelist?
So, you want to be a fireman?
Go for it! Go out, persevere and achieve that what you want!
However. This does not make you happy.
And, in “happiness is a warm gun” I laid down the argument that happiness is more important than success.
What’s the point of becoming a rock and roll star if you don’t like practising guitar playing 10 hours a day?
What’s the point of being a famous novelist if you don’t like writing?
What’s the point of being a fireman if you don’t like climbing ladders?
The “end”; the goal; the aim, is not what life is about. The path towards achieving the “end” is what life is about. If you enjoy writing, then it doesn’t make a difference if you become famous or not.
A goal is a method. Nothing more. You set a goal (an aim) to set out a path. The path is what you should enjoy. Enjoy the path towards the goal, then the goal becomes less important (so it doesn’t make a difference if you achieve it or not). And whether you achieve your goal or not…you will enjoy the path. And that is happiness!
The list
One of the things most people have difficulty with is forming an opinion of what they want.
Never mind a summery of what will make them happy, but just what they want.
I’ve given this some thought.
What I came up with is “The list”. Nothing new, anyone who gives career advice will make you create a list. Lists are good. Lists, I reckon, are even natural.
Who as a teenager didn’t make a “Top ten favourite song” list? Just look at all the lists being asked on RHP, for instance. Lists are good.
Okay. So, you want to know why?
Lists make you brainstorm. It gets you thinking.
Lists also make you prioritise. They can get you focussed.
Good things all round, I reckon…
Happiness is our goal, so we want to create a list of things that you reckon will make you happy. It sounds simple. But is it?
The first thing you’ll have to do is let go of everything. Goals, dreams, things you already have achieved, the media influence, your friend’s opinions, your upbringing….everything. Be as “empty” of influence as possible.
Achieved that yet? No, probably not. It is VERY difficult.
Try this:
Turn off all noise around you.
Empty your mind. If a thought comes to you, ban it. Try to achieve nothingness in your mind.
Then think: “What sort of music do I feel like listening to?”
Do you want something fast? Something melodic? Good lyrics to sing along to? What sort of music do you feel like listening to at this moment in time?
Got it? Now ask yourself: “Why?”
Why on earth do you feel like listening to that sort of music?
Write it down.
Do the same with films. With computer games. With comics. Short things that you can do in one evening. Blank your mind, think of nothing and then concentrate on what you feel like and write down the “Why.”
There are other methods of brainstorming. Like brown-paper sessions. This entails writing down a keyword and then associating freely with that word and writing down everything to do with the word. There are plenty of books on this (and loads of it on the internet).
What I’m trying to achieve though is that you can blank your mind and think freely about why you want something. This is very important! Not what society wants, not what you are taught to want, but we have to achieve a state of “no judgement” and then we have to utilise that!
At the risk of being far too hasty I will move on to the next part of listing.
You have to be brutally honest with yourself.
It sounds simple. But is it?
No it is not. If it was then there wouldn’t be homosexuals who remain in the closet until they are 50. Obviously fear of what the environment thinks of homosexuality will influence the closet-like behaviour (and we’ve already established that fear is VERY BAD INDEED), but most closet-homosexuals don’t even practise their sexuality in secret! They just don’t know. All they know is that they are not happy.
How brutal can you be?
Does road kill fascinate you? (Feeling the helplessness of the creature that just died)
Does being abused make you happy? (feeling helpless yourself)
Does watching footage of the holocaust make you feel horny? (feeling the sensation of power the nazis had over their victims)
How honest do you dare be with yourself?
Now it’s time to write your list.
What makes you happy?
Write it all down. Just go for it. And don’t forget to include the “why” it makes you happy. Generate a list of 20 items with the argumentation for each item on the list.
Once you’ve created this list, you will probably realise there’s a couple of items on it which don’t fit in with society, friends, work or morals.
Don’t worry about that.
There’s one last step to take on the list.
You have to prioritise. You have to make a ranking of sorts. What’s most important and what’s not. What I would suggest is the following: Give each item on the list a number:
1: Most important: you can have 2 of these.
2: Very important: you can have 3 of these.
3. Important: you can have 5 of these.
4. Less important: you have 5 of these.
5. Obviously not important enough: You can have 5 of these.
Scrap everything from 3 to 5 and have a closer look at the 1’s and 2’s.
This is my list (which I made at the end of May 2005):
- Sex
- Good food
- Writing
- Good booze
- Photography
And remember, we’ve established that the goal is not important. What I have to “learn” to do is enjoy the path towards these 5 points!
Notice that certain things are missing (like: A loving relationship or getting drunk). This obviously means that my goal is not these. Trying to achieve those will not give me happiness!
Notice also that “work”, “friends” and “driving” are not amongst them (although 2 of them were certainly in the top 10). This means that the latter are more methods than goals.
It’s good to re-asses what makes you happy every year or so. You’ll change and what makes you happy will change as well.
Other items on the agenda
Feeling good about yourself, knowing that helping others to be happy and listing what makes you happy are the basics to being happy. There are, however, a few other points you can consider:
Don’t do unto others, what you wouldn’t want them to do to you
How biblical is that? But it’s true. Why would you do something to someone else, if you didn’t want them to do that to you?
The answer is simple: Because you wouldn’t be happy if they did it to you.
So, unless someone asks especially for it, don’t do it, if you don’t want them to do it to you.
Be honest
Say what you feel. If you think someone is nice, say so (and obviously explain why). If you think someone is being obnoxious, say so (and obviously explain why). If you can learn to express yourself, you’ll feel free. This also means that people will be honest with you.
Learn to handle feedback
Receiving feedback can be difficult. But it can also help you to grow. It can help you to decide what you want and what you don’t want.
If you are going to be honest, expect others to be honest. And if others are honest you’re not always going to like what you hear. That’s life! Accept it!
Here’s a thread: http://www.redhotpawn.com/board/showthread.php?threadid=25626
I’m criticized for being a rec whore. I answer with: “Go stick a screwdriver up your arse.”
When you read the reply to the accusation, what does it make you think?
Do you reckon I’ve done anything with that feedback? Do I try to handle it? Or am I just ignoring it and being a smart-ass?
If smart-ass is what I want, then it’s probably okay, but if I want to be happy then maybe I should consider the feedback: “Am I writing articles just for the positive attention I get from them?”
By looking at your behaviour every now and then, you can change your behaviour. Teach yourself to look at feedback in an objective way and learn to judge it. Just imagine you’re doing something for a reason which doesn’t fit in your top 5? That would be you aiming towards unhappiness!
The final point
Some people may think that nothing’s been said about them.
That nobody loves them. That their work is not rewarding. That they merely exist to make other’s richer. That life is a measurement of suffering. That what I’ve written won’t make them forget about their mother dying a horrendous death.
Stop.
Clear your mind.
Think of not that which you have lost.
Think of that which you want.
Not the goals you wish to achieve, but the road you have to take to achieve it.
What will make you happy from this point on?
Not the goals, but the path…
That’s life. Enjoy it.
Originally posted by seraphimvultureGiver Upper!
My turn!
Okay, after being like the only person on this site who hasn't recced one of your posts, I finally did, okay? So there. Now everyone leave me alone.
Edit: and, ya know, good post.... and all....
I don't even read em! Seems a lot of work just so I can click the 'rec' button.
RX
Originally posted by dale21I was his 800th rec too. You'd think some balloons would suddenly fall through my roof and shower me or something.... You'd think. But no. Nothing. Sucks.
ow ow owwwwwwwwww
my eyes are sore. i read that even tho im happy already.
you must be doing something right with 800 recs. but you cant possibly sure everyones sad little lives......
nice post
That's true happiness: Balloons. There. Someone rec me.
Originally posted by shavixmirLet's imagine that you have a lot of money. So you can buy sex, good food and good booze. You also don't have to work, so you can spend as much time as you want on writing and photography. Happy? What if the only human contact you ever have is with the prostitutes whose time you buy. Happy? You have the top 5 items on your list. Sounds lonely to me. I think anyone who achieves happiness under these conditions (without some kind of Buddhistic detachment involved) would have to be considered psychologically abnormal - we've evolved to be social creatures after all.
This is my list (which I made at the end of May 2005):
- Sex
- Good food
- Writing
- Good booze
- Photography
And remember, we’ve established that the goal is not important. What I have to “learn” to do is enjoy the path towards these 5 points!
But it's the path toward these goals that's important for happiness, right? What is the path to paid sex? Phoning the agency? Earning the money to pay for it? What is the path to good food - walking down to a fancy restaurant? Buying a lobster at the fish market? Or earning the money to buy these things? So work makes you happy, even if only indirectly? But to get that job you needed an education, right? so that's part of the path too. and so on.
Originally posted by dfm65you dont need much money. 50p will get you a whole set of balloons. and as seraphimvulture has explain, thats all you need.
Let's imagine that you have a lot of money. So you can buy sex, good food and good booze. You also don't have to work, so you can spend as much time as you want on writing and photography. Happy? What if the only human contact you ever have is with the prostitutes whose time you buy. Happy? You have the top 5 items on your list. Sounds lonely to me. I think ...[text shortened]... But to get that job you needed an education, right? so that's part of the path too. and so on.
