The giant green toad
It was a rainy evening and I was cycling home through the woods. I wasn’t cycling in a straight line. No sir! I was all over the place. I had in me: 3 liters of beer, 2 vodka martini’s and half a bottle of chilled white wine.
As I staggered (or whatever the cycling equivalent is of staggering) all over the wet and mouldy pathway, I nearly rode into a giant green toad.
It was big. It was green. And it was a toad.
I swerved like Starskey and Hutch out of its way, crashed into the bushes and tumbled over onto a nice, soft bed of thistles, nettles and ivy. As I dragged myself and my bicycle up off the forest floor, the giant green toad said: “Thank you sir. For not cycling over me.”
I scratched my nose and said: “A talking giant green toad. How quaint. What have I been drinking?”
The toad smiled (or whatever the toady equivalent is of smiling): “No. I really am grateful. So grateful, that I’m going to grant you three wishes.”
Well, who am I to oppose such an alcohol induced offer, so I played along with the giant green toad: “Well, I wish I lived in a castle. I wish I owned a Porche 911 and I wish Drew Barrymore was lying in bed waiting for me.”
The toad smiled again and hopped away.
So, I got back on my bicycle and I had nearly forgotten the whole incident when I cycled into my street...
Well...my street and a castle with my door number on it. I was flabbergasted (which, incidentally, is a very cool word). I cycled up the pathway and in front of the door...stood a bright red Porche 911 convertible. I was flabbergasted (such a good word, I hope you don’t mind me using it twice).
And I’m not stupid. Even though IQ tests may well be inherently flawed, misused by nazi’s and pathetically inaccurate, my IQ has always been way over 90 and I put one and one together quicker than Bertrand Russel wrote the principa mathematica...I ran up the stairs...and lo and behold! There upon my bed lay the beautiful Drew Barrymore (or Drool Barrymore as I prefer to call her).
To cut a long story slightly shorter (and to miss out on the juicy details), Drool and I had hot and horny sex for hours and hours. I was obviously fantastic and she was quite good as well.
At about four in the morning I decided Drool needed a little break and I went down to the castle’s kitchen for a drink. I opened the fridge door and the whole fridge was full of ice-cold beers! I was well pleased!
So, I popped open a beer and then a voice behind me said: “Are you happy?”
I swiveled around (not spilling a drop, in case you’re interested) and there stood the giant green toad.
I lifted my bottle and cheered him: “Well done Toad! This is fantastic!”
“I’m glad you’re happy.” He smiled. “But can I ask you one little favour.”
“Anything...anything you want Toad!” I was rather joyous.
“Would you give me a hug? Nobody ever hugs a toad.”
I looked at the giant green toad. He was green. He was a toad and he was all slimy. A slimy green giant toad. But he did give me a Porche 911...convertible. So, I grabbed his slimy cold body and gave him a nice big hug.
As I sipped my beer the giant green toad asked: “Can I ask you another favour?”
“Anything. Anything you want toad!” I was reasonably joyous.
“I’d like a kiss. I’ve not had a snog for ages.”
I looked at the giant green toad. He was green, slimy and he had warts all over his face and body. A giant, warty, slimy green toad. But he did give me a castle.
So, I wrapped my hands around his bum, planted my lips on his (or whatever the toady equivalent is of lips), stuck my tongue in his facial cavity and gave him some tongue.
After the kiss, as I was sipping some more beer, the giant green toad asked: “Could you do me one more favour please?”
“Well....” I wasn’t really all that joyous anymore.
The giant green toad looked at me with big puppy eyes...
“Okay.” I said. “Anything you want!”
“Would you give me a good shagging please? I’ve never done that before.”
I looked at the giant green toad. He was green, slimy and his warts were leaking pus all over the place. Giant warts dripping with yellowish goo. But he did give me Drool Barrymore. What could I do?
I stepped behind him, bent him forward and started having sex with him.
As I was shagging, right in front of my very eyes, he slowly started turning into a 9 year old boy. And seriously Judge, this is exactly how it happened!!
Originally posted by shavixmirlol!
[b]The giant green toad
It was a rainy evening and I was cycling home through the woods. I wasn’t cycling in a straight line. No sir! I was all over the place. I had in me: 3 liters of beer, 2 vodka martini’s and half a bottle of chilled white wine.
As I staggered (or whatever the cycling equivalent is of staggering) all over the wet and mouldy pa ...[text shortened]... ly started turning into a 9 year old boy. And seriously Judge, this is exactly how it happened!![/b]
Originally posted by shavixmirSure this is a joke and not an extract from Micaehl Jackson's defence statement? 😉
[b]The giant green toad
It was a rainy evening and I was cycling home through the woods. I wasn’t cycling in a straight line. No sir! I was all over the place. I had in me: 3 liters of beer, 2 vodka martini’s and half a bottle of chilled white wine.
As I staggered (or whatever the cycling equivalent is of staggering) all over the wet and mouldy pa ...[text shortened]... ly started turning into a 9 year old boy. And seriously Judge, this is exactly how it happened!![/b]
Originally posted by shavixmirbets on how long this will be moderated in?
[b]The giant green toad
It was a rainy evening and I was cycling home through the woods. I wasn’t cycling in a straight line. No sir! I was all over the place. I had in me: 3 liters of beer, 2 vodka martini’s and half a bottle of chilled white wine.
As I staggered (or whatever the cycling equivalent is of staggering) all over the wet and mouldy pa ...[text shortened]... ly started turning into a 9 year old boy. And seriously Judge, this is exactly how it happened!![/b]
