How about we start a joke thread? I'll kick things off 😀
Comments made by sports commentators.....
Here are the top ten comments made by sports commentators that they may wish to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up, and it was amazing.
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it, which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious.
6. Baseball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
7. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew.
9. Metro Radio, College Football: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
10. US Open TV Commentator: One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh my God, what have I just said?!
...testing my new avatar, but i'd thought i'd add one i heard on letterman...
Dave had Harrison Ford on the show. During the monologue, he was rambling on: "Tonight we have Harrison Ford. Doesn't that sound like a car dealership? 'Come on down to Harrison Ford! Bring the wife and we'll dicker!'" I was pretty amazed that it got on the air...
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Originally posted by charlie92Youre a Letterman guy? Geez, I should have known. Any self-respecting chessplayer should be a Leno fan buddy😀
...testing my new avatar, but i'd thought i'd add one i heard on letterman...
Dave had Harrison Ford on the show. During the monologue, he was rambling on: "Tonight we have Harrison Ford. Doesn't that sound like a car dealership? 'Come on down to Harrison Ford! Bring the wife and we'll dicker!'" I was pretty amazed that it got on the air...
Gorilla Removal
A guy wakes up to a terrible thumping on his roof. He goes outside and there is an 800 pound gorilla jumping up and down on his roof. He goes into the phone and sure enough he locates "Jack's Gorilla Removal Service" and give him a call.
A few minutes later a guy gets out of his truck with a ladder, a pit-bull , a long pole and a shotgun. The guy says, "You must be Jack. Well, there is the gorilla. Think you can get him off my roof?"
Jack says, "No Problem. I'll need your help though.", and hands the guy the shot gun and the dog's leash, puts the ladder to the house and begins to climb up with the long pole.
The guy says, "What do I do with the dog?" and Jack answers, "Well, when I get up there on the roof, I'll knock the gorilla onto the ground using the long pole. You then release the dog and he is trained to grab the gorilla by his works and send him into shock with a mighty bight."
The guy thinks for a second then says. "OK. Got ya. Release the dog when the gorilla drops. What do I do with the shotgun?"
Jack says. "That is for just in case the gorilla knocks ME off the roof. You shoot the damned dog before it gets to me, you hear?!"
And In Honor Of California on Election Day... "You Know You Are A Californian When..."
1 - You make $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
2 - You've been to a baby shower with two mothers and a sperm donor.
3 - You know which restarurant serves the freshest arugula.
4 - You can't remember... is pot illegal?
5 - A really great parking space, especially at the beach, can move you to tears.
6 - Your childs third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose-ring, surgically altered ears, consistently misspells your childs name when sending home glowing reports of "termendus" progress and is named Breeze Free-Sun-Moon.
7 - You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian, but have a hard time recalling the name of the ocean on "like that other coast thing, ya know?"
8 - Gas costs a dollar per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
9 - You can't remember... is pot illegal?
10 - The guy at Starbucks at 8:30 am, wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses, who LOOKS like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.
11 - A low speed pursuit could interupt any TV broadcast at any time.
12 - You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English!
13 - It begins to sprinkle and there is a special bulletin that interupts your favorite TV show called "STORM WATCH 2003"
14 - Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
15 - You can't remember... is pot illegal?
16 - Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17 - You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching your 4 o'clock Tae Bo Class.
18 - It's raining outside, so you leave for work an hour early.
19 - Your co-worker has 8 body piercing, none of which are visible.
20 - You pass a school playground and notice that all the children are busy talking on their cell phones.
21 - You AND your dog have therapists.
22 - Your Democratic Governor, who's been recalled, is being advised by the ex-president who WAS impeached, and is being replaced by a Republican major-motion-picture actor who's wife is a member of the Kennedy clan, and has anorexia, but doesn't suffer from it.
23 - You can't remember... is pot illegal? And what is that stuff in that baggie... stapled to your third graders note from his teacher?
Originally posted by derek9037There will only ever be one Murray Walker, and this quote undoubtedly comes from him.
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it, which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.
He was (is) the greatest ever F1 commentator.
trekkie
ps: If i remember correctly the two cars he was referring to were Ferrari's. With Michael Schumacher driving the leading car and Rubens Barrichello second.
Hope I can get away with this one!
John Bobbit was drivng along with his wife in the passenger seat when he suddenly got the courage up to tell his wife about his affair.
His wife went crazy and started beating him, the car was swerving all over the road while John was trying to keep a straight line, when his wife pulled out a knife from her handbag, she then started hacking away at his penis until it was completely chopped off.
"You won't do it again you asshole" she shouts as she winds down the window and throws it out while they're going along.
The penis hits the windscreen of the car following them with a THUD !!!, "Wow" said the driver of the following car to his passenger, "Did you see the size of the Cock on that fly"
Horse Racing
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name MaryLou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching the footy on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied "Your horse phoned."
Originally posted by trekkiethats correct, my favourite Murray Walker mistake was when he said,
There will only ever be one Murray Walker, and this quote undoubtedly comes from him.
He was (is) the greatest ever F1 commentator.
trekkie
ps: If i remember correctly the two cars he was referring to were Ferrari's. With Michael Schumacher driving the leading car and Rubens Barrichello second.
"Everything is the exact same as it was at the beginning but is all the other way around"
David
Keeping up with the spirit of the thread, I present:
Dear Diary...
For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing football 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.................
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank five cups of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full kilometre. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
Feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked in an disabled zone in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!* barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated with honours.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and say thank you that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.