Post your true stories about the most hapless losers you've ever met .
Back in Wisconsin in my ill spent youth , the was loser named Jeff(aka Jeffro) . He was a bit hillbilly and backwards , but for some reason our click decided there was some hope for him and that we would teach him the ways of the world . We were about age 21 -22 at the time of this story .
We tried everything in the world to clean him up in regards to hygene , taste in clothing , music , social decorum , etc . He was our project child . We made him somewhat presentable , and felt he'd taken enough steps to try the ultimate step , getting him laid .
Nothing worked . He'd have a gal thinking he was actually attractive , and she'd be ready to go , and he'd screw it up in the most horrible way possible when it seemed like a sure thing . So we resorted to the double date as a last ditch effort .
Me and my then girlfriend , set him up with what looked like a sure thing . Then went out for a night in what passed for the big city , Milwaukee . We thoroughly coached him for a week , going over past mistakes , and signals he was to look for on when he should chill as he was putting his foot in it . He seemed ready .
We went bar hopping on the east side , everything seemed alright . The boy was responding beautifully . Bored with that , we decided to drive out to a club on the west side called T A Verns , where there was a lot of late night band action , lots of booze , lots of dancing . As we neared T A Verns , there were mumbles of people wanting some chow before we went in . There was a Taco Bell across the street , and everyone agreed that would hit the spot . At this hour , the drive thru was open , but the dining area closed so we of course took that option and queued up behind about 5 other cars .
Then Jeffro says , "I really need to pinch off a loaf" . Yes , he actually said , "Pinch off a loaf" in front of his date . I shot a glare into the back seat his way . He looked penitent enough that I thought maybe no damage had been done . I told him the bathrooms here were accessable from the outside , to give us his order , and take care of his personal business , and get back asap . He gave us his food order and exited heading toward the restroom .
The line of cars moved very slowly . But as we slowly progressed to the window . No sign of Jeffro . We finally had our turn , ordered for ourselves and for him , and waited for the food . No Jeffro . We got our food , paid for it , and pulled into a parking space . No Jeffro . We finally ate , as after what seemed like 15 minutes of smelling the food , hunger overcame us . We finished eating . Still no Jeffro . Finally the agitated Jeffro comes from around the back of the restuarant and gets into the car . As he grabs his food and mumbles "Sorry" . I start the car and begin navigating out of the parking lot and across the boulevard to get to the club . I rhetorically ask , "What the hell took you so long ?"
Between bites of food , talking with his mouth full , quite incredibly he launches into the following detailed explaination , " Well I get in there just in time , as this beef anaconda is crowning . Get on the can just in time and drop it out . And it's pretty bad . REAL Messy . So after all hell's broken loose , I realize there's no toilet paper ! So I'm banging on the walls screaming for someone who works there to big me some damned butt floss ! I know there can hear me , cause the b@st@rds are laughing at me ! So after a a while I give up on that . The only option left is to use my socks . You ever try to get your shoes and socks off while your pants are down ? It's hard ! So I take those off too . I finish up with my socks , and then without thinking I flush while I'm gettin' my stuff that fell out of my pocket , and the damned socks clogged up the john and it overflows all over my pants and feet ! So I'm like , whoa , I gotta dry these things off . Don't wanna be on a date with wet pants ! So I had to dry off my pants with the hand blow dryer .
So who's the band we're seeing anyway ."
We've arrived , but sit in stunned silence .
Jeffro says , "What ?"
After a few seconds , the small mortified voice of his date Mindy squeaks , "Oh my god . He's serious . He's doesn't have any socks on ."
We gave up our project child Jeffro after this . He had a conversion to jesus a few years later , went to bible college to be a preacher , and now works in an auto scrap yard in Mississippi . Last I heard , he is not married .