The Middle Wife
How would you like to be this teacher? A grammar school teacher from
Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her
students...
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.
So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get
over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a
break and some guaranteed entertainment.
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever
place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to
school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl,
Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up
to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a
symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and
Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement. Then, about two Saturdays ago,
my Mom starts saying and going, Oh,oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind
her back and groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour,
'Oh, oh, oh!'
Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and
groaning.
My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to
lie down in bed like this. Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in
case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew! This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are
miming water flowing away. It was too much!
Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'
They started counting, but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky
stuff they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of
stuff inside there. Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and
returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then,
if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica
comes along.
Life is meant to be lived . . . enjoy🙂😀😉😛