The Alternate Creation Story.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth.
He populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach,
green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds,
so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Crème Donuts.
Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
and Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said,
"and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."
They gained 10 pounds, and Satan smiled.
So God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman
might keep the figure tat Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing,
buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy
vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his
cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake,
and named it 'Angel Food Cake,' and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His
children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the
flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced
the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume
fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
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Thought for the day .......
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population,
with large boobs and constant erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!
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A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she, and her sister owned the pharmacy, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying,
"This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment.
So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go and consult my sister."
When she returned, she said,
"We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the pharmacy, a company car, and £3,000 a month living expenses".
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A father walks into a book store with his young son.
The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking,
going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter.
She calmly gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops the boy's pants,
takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter,
which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her.
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".
Originally posted by heldenu got way too much time on ur hands
The Alternate Creation Story.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth.
He populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach,
green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds,
so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Crème Donuts.
Satan said, , it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".
Originally posted by heldenBrilliant, very very funny. 😀
The Alternate Creation Story.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth.
He populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach,
.
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".
Originally posted by heldenget yourself over to spirituality (no i didn't read your post)!!
The Alternate Creation Story.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth.
He populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach,
green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds,
so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Crème Donuts.
Satan said, ...[text shortened]... , it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".