now you mods have to let this one through 😕
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes
and takes their drink order.
I would like a Tango, said the first little piggy.
I would like a Coke, said the second little piggy.
I want water, lots and lots of water, said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for
dinner.
I want a nice big steak, said the first piggy.
I would like the salad plate, said the second piggy.
I want water, lots and lots of water, said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter
approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any
dessert.
I want a banana split, said the first piggy.
I want a root beer float, said the second piggy.
I want water, lots and lots of water, exclaimed the third little
piggy.
Pardon me for asking, said the waiter! to the third little piggy,
ut why have you only ordered water all evening?
Hold on to your seat .
The third piggy says -
Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
😀🙂😉😛😕
A guy goes to the doctor's office, he has not been feeling well.
The doctor looks him over, and says... "I am sorry, this doesn't look good at all! I figure you will probably only live another 10...
The man says to the doctor, "another 10!? Ten what!? Years? Months?
The doctor interupts him.... "Nine.... Eight..... Seven...."
Phla-
😲
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9
year old son comes home from school unexpectedly, sees them and hides in
the bedroom closet . The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."
"I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove" the boy replied.
His father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
"$1,000" he answered.
His father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start this again..." 😀😛😕
A man comes home early from work to surprise his wife. But not a pleasant surprise. You see, he suspects she's been cheating on him. So he takes the elevator up to the 20th floor of the building, where their apartment is. He opens the door quickly and sees . . .
Just his wife!
He begins searching the place frantically: every closet, every corner, under the bed, etc. etc. She's hysterical, demanding to know what he's doing. He gets madder and madder the more he looks.
Finally he stops. He sees a row of fingers on the window sill in the kitchen. Someone's hanging out there off the side of the building!
"Aha!" he screams and runs into the other room. Returning with a hammer, he pounds the fingers of the man hanging outside the window, who promptly falls down twenty stories. Still enraged, the husband pushes the refridgerator slowly across the kitchen floor, tilts it through the window, and topples it over and out, down twenty stories onto the man below.
His rage satisfied, his heart-rate slows, and he begins to regret the murder. Also, he's depressed at his wife's infidelity. So, he leaps out the window down to his own death.
Right.
So then at the pearly gates he meets St. Peter, who asks him to explain how he died. The husband tells the story honestly and begs and pleads forgiveness for his behavior. St. Peter says, "well, I guess we'll let this one slide," and lets him in.
The next guy in line at the gate steps up, and St. Peter asks him how he died.
"Well, I'm a window washer. I was washing the windows on the 21st floor of a building, when I slipped and fell. By great luck I managed, just barely, to catch myself on an open window below. As I was wondering how I'd get back up to safety, some guy ran up with a hammer and smashed my fingers. I fell to the bottom and died."
St. Peter responded, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Window washers are welcome. Come on in."
So then the next guy in line steps up. St. Peter asks him, "Ok, and how did you die?"
"Well, I was hiding in this refridgerator . . ."
Originally posted by huntingbearVery good HuntingBear!! I like! 😀
A man comes home early from work to surprise his wife. But not a pleasant surprise. You see, he suspects she's been cheating on him. So he takes the elevator up to the 20th floor of the building, where their apartment is. He opens the ...[text shortened]... did you die?"
"Well, I was hiding in this refridgerator . . ."
Once, on this farm, there was a horse and a chicken. The horse was pretty smart and the chicken equally dumb. So, one day the chicken is walking along when he hears the horse nickering and neighing, calling for help. He runs to him only to find that the horse has fallen into a mudhole. The chicken, not being the brightest of animals, grabs onto the horses tail and starts trying to pull him out.
"You can't pull me out of hear!! I weight 80 times more than you do!! Go, run and get the farmer's Mercedes, back it up, and tie me to it. Then you can pull me out!!" The horse tell him.
So, the chicken runs and gets the farmer's Mercedes and pulls him out.
...........
Time passes and the incident is soon forgotten. One day, months later, the horse is walking along when he hears the chicken clucking and cawing and generally creating a riot. The horse bolts over to him only to find that the chicken has fallen into the same damned mud hole.
The chicken screams, "Go get the farmer's Mercedes and pull me out of here!! Go get the farmer's Mercedes!!"
The horse laughs and shakes his head, "I don't need the farmer's Mercedes."
The horse straddles the mud hole, looks down, and says, "Grab on."
And thus the chicken is saved.
The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!! 😵
Speaking of farms, a funny thing happened on one the other day . . .
You see this duck hunter was out, you know, hunting ducks. Having shot one, he was making his way toward where he saw it land. It had landed in a nearby farm, and as he approached the duck, the farmer came out to meet him. Kneeling to pick up the bird, the hunter said, "Hello."
"Howdy," said the farmer. "Git yer stinkin' hands off my duck."
"What?"
"I said, git yer hands off my duck."
"That's my duck," the hunter protested, "I shot him."
"My land, my duck," replied the farmer.
"Now see here . . ." began the hunter, a little irritated.
"Awright, awright. Tell you what. Let's you an' me play ballbusters for it," suggested the farmer.
"Ballbusters?" asked the hunter, now more confused than irritated.
"Tha's right. I'll give you a kick, then you give me one. We'll keep goin' 'til one of us gives up," the farmer said.
The hunter, wanting to get his duck and go home, said, "Well, ok. Go ahead . . ."
At that the farmer backed up a good ten meters or so for a running start. "Ready?"
"As I'll ever be."
The farmer took off and came hurtling toward the hunter. Swinging his leg way back at the last moment, he launched his boot -- BOOM -- right into the hunter's crotch. The hunter was lifted bodily from the ground and sent flying onto his back. Immediately he clutched himself in pain. For thirty minutes he was in agony, rolling around, moaning, etc. etc.
Finally he caught his breath and stood up. Limping somewhat, he gave himself some running room for his turn against the farmer.
"Ready?" he asked.
"Naw, you can keep the duck."
Originally posted by huntingbearThat's a good one. 😀 And now for a bad one.....
Speaking of farms, a funny thing happened on one the other day . . .
You see this duck hunter was out, you know, hunting ducks. Having shot one, he was making his way toward where he saw it land. It had landed in a nearby farm, and as he approached the duck, the farmer came out to meet him. Kneeling to pick up the bird, the hunter said, "Hello."
"Ho ...[text shortened]... ing room for his turn against the farmer.
"Ready?" he asked.
"Naw, you can keep the duck."
The pieces of string go to a bar. The first one walks into the bar to see if there's anywhere to sit and the bartender tell him, "We don't serve pieces of string in here!" So he goes back outside and tells his buddies. The second piece of string decides to give it a try. He walks in and the bartender yells at him, "We don't serve pieces of string in here!!" He rejoins his friends. The third piece of string, completely non-plussed, cuts himself in half, and ties himself back together. He walks into the bar and the bartender says,"Didn't I already tell you twice that we don't serve pieces of string in here?" He replies,
"No, I'm a frayed knot!" (say this out loud)
Setting the scene:
Old Guy sat on his ranch in the American Midwest, his daughters inside doing girly things. He's just watching the sunset, his dog at his side and his shotgun resting on the floor.
First: a Ferrari pulls up outside the house, and out steps a young fella wearing blue jeans and white t-shirt and carrying chocolates
"Hi, my name's Moe. I've come to take your daughter Jo to a show if she'll go"
So the Old Guy shouts inside: "Hey, Jo there's a guy here called Moe come to ake you to a show if you'll go"
She comes running downstairs kisses the Old Guy and goes out
Second: a limo turns up, and out steps another young fella wearing a crisp, clean Armani suit and holding some flowers
"Hi, my names Clancy. I've come to take your daughter Nancy to a dancy if she'll fancy"
So the Old Guy shouts inside: "Hey, Nancy there's a guy here called Clancy wants to take you to a dancy if you'll fancy"
She also comes running downstairs kisses the Old Guy and goes out
Third: a big sixteen wheeler turns up and out steps an eighteen stone guy, covered in tattoos and swigging from a can of beer
"Hi, my names Tucker......
Mark
Hmmm, I think I've used all the clean aussie jokes already, let's see...kiwi shearing the sheep errr, bird poo on the windscreen um..dog's arse as an egg cup...no...ah ha, got one!
Dad and Dave were standing watching a dingo licking its privates. Dave said to dad, ‘Just between you and me, I wanted to do that all my life.’
Dad said, ‘Go ahead, but I’d pat him a bit first. He looks pretty vicious to me.’
And two more before bed.
In response to sound of unusual activity in next door’s backyard, a neighbour looked over the fence. A great deal of shovelling was taking place. A very large hold was being excavated.
‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m burying my dead cat.’
‘Oh, what a pity. But Tiddles was only a little cat. Why the big hole?’
‘Because,’ solemnly explained the neighbour, ‘he’s inside you bloody great Alsatian!’
**********
Saddam Hussein disappeared down the bunker where he addressed his magic mirror, ‘Magic mirror on the wall who is the biggest bastard of them all?’ The magic mirror said, ‘Saddam Hussein, you are the biggest bastard of all.’ Saddam was so delighted with the response that he raced out and ordered a thousand of his faithful followers to be put to the sword.
The next week he disappeared down the bunker again. ‘Magic mirror on the wall, who is the biggest bastard of all?’
‘Saddam Hussein, you are still the biggest bastard of all.’
Saddam again was so delighted he declared war on the Kurds. The next week he went into the bunker, but didn’t return. His worried aides finally decided to seek him out. When they arrived there was Saddam crying uncontrollably in the corner.
‘Sire, sire,’ they cried, ‘what’s wrong?’
‘Who’s John Howard?’ sobbed Saddam.
a bunch a saddam impersornaters are nervously awaiting the news of their injured leaders health after a attack on his bunker deep in the desert ... in the secret bunker where they are all located a aide to saddam walks in , i have some good news and bad news he proclaims , the good news is saddam is ALIVE , the bad news is ................. he lost a arm 😛
St. Peter is at the pearly gates checking in people as St. Peter does and such when up comes his next customer. "Who are you?", asks St. Peter. "I am Einstein.", says the man. St. Peter asks him, "Can you prove you are who you say?". "Of course, I just need a chalk board.", says the man. So, the saint snaps his fingers and instantly a chalk board materializes. Einstein writes down several of his theories on the board in great detail. "Very well", says Peter, and he lets Einstein in to heaven.
Next person to come up says, "I am Michaelangelo". St. Peter asks him if he can prove his identitly, and in turn he wipes the chalk board clean and then spends a great deal of time creating a beautiful picture with great detail. "Come on in", says the saint.
St. Peter is pleased with this new system, so he says to the next man, "Einstein and Michaelangelo were able to prove who they were, so you should too right?" The man looks at him with a confused look and asks, "Who are Michaelangelo and Einstein?". St. Peter sighs and says, "George W. Bush, come on in."
😀