Sanne had her arm stretched with her thumb stuck up. She patiently paced in the dirt by the side of the road.
Michael was driving along the motorway between Rome and the coast.
He was in need of a holiday.
The gentle tones of 'Everybody's talkin' about it...' played from his stereo as the wind wooshed through his open windows.
His car climbed a small hill and as he cleared it 'The reliable Mediterranean...' seeped forth from the stereo to his ears and the Mediterranean sea itself lay beneath him like a large tranquil blanket. For one little moment he felt perfect. Sound, smell and vision blended together and true happiness spilled over him from inside.
He no longer felt any need to pick up a hitchhiker.
The girl looked out the window.
The sun was shining down on the meadow outside. The children were playing with their skipping ropes and marbles. Birds sang from their hiding places in the trees. An older man was walking his dog, whistling as he smiled at the children.
The girl looked out the window.
Her mother was talking over the fence with a neighbour. Her father was sat in a garden chair reading his newspaper.
She could have been outside as well. She wasn't though.
She picked up the gun, placed the barrel in her mouth and pulled the trigger.
Bob looked at Pete's foot. Pete was right. He did have hairy toes.
Bob felt slightly strange touching another man's foot. Maybe it was just the thought of touching another man, maybe it was the situation. He didn't know.
Bob was pleasantly suprised. It felt warm and soft. What had he expected? A cold scaly sensation or something?
He picked it up and walked over to the freezer: "Best to call an ambulance then eh?"
I've changed the odd word here and there. Anybody with any opinions on them?
Or more specifically:
- Do you find them interesting?
- Does the writing flow? (read them aloud)
- Are you left with a nagging feeling?
Sanne had her arm stretched with her thumb stuck up. She patiently paced in the dirt by the side of the road.
Michael was driving along the motorway between Rome and the coast.
He was in need of a holiday.
The gentle tones of 'Everybody's talkin' about it...' played from his stereo as the breeze washed in through his open windows.
His car climbed a small hill and as he cleared it 'The reliable Mediterranean...' seeped forth from the stereo to his ears and the Mediterranean sea itself lay beneath him like a large tranquil blanket. For one little moment he felt perfect. Sound, smell and vision blended together; true happiness spilled over him from inside.
He no longer felt any need to pick up a hitchhiker.
The girl looked out the window.
The sun was shining down on the meadow outside. The children were playing with their skipping ropes and marbles. Birds sang from their hiding places in the trees. An older man was walking his dog, whistling as he smiled at the children.
The girl looked out the window.
Her mother was talking over the fence with a neighbour. Her father sat in his garden chair reading a newspaper.
She could have been outside as well. She wasn't though.
She picked up the gun, placed the barrel in her mouth and pulled the trigger.
Bob looked at Pete's foot. Pete was right. He did have hairy toes.
Bob felt slightly strange touching another man's foot. Maybe it was just the thought of touching another man, maybe it was the situation. He didn't know.
Bob was pleasantly suprised. It felt warm and soft. What had he expected? A cold and scaly sensation or something?
He picked it up and walked over to the freezer: "Best to call an ambulance then eh?"
First three sentence don't flow as well as the rest of the paragraph does... I still don't understand what happened.. It sounded like 3 different stories to be honest. What is it about? O... and try adding a lot more description. The first paragraph was full of it, but then less and less came. AGAIN, just suggestions
Originally posted by Impala03They are three different short stories.
First three sentence don't flow as well as the rest of the paragraph does... I still don't understand what happened.. It sounded like 3 different stories to be honest. What is it about? O... and try adding a lot more description. The first paragraph was full of it, but then less and less came. AGAIN, just suggestions
Basically anecdotes. I'm attempting a certain style.