Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.
Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...
A poem....
THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER by Lewis Carroll
"The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done --
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun."
The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead --
There were no birds to fly.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
`If this were only cleared away,'
They said, `it would be grand!'
`If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose,' the Walrus said,
`That they could get it clear?'
`I doubt it,' said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.
`O Oysters, come and walk with us!'
The Walrus did beseech.
`A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.'
The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head --
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.
But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shows were clean and neat --
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.
Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more --
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.
`The time has come,' the Walrus said,
`To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing-wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings.'
`But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,
`Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!'
`No hurry!' said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.
`A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,
`Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed --
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.'
`But not on us!' the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
`After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!'
`The night is fine,' the Walrus said.
`Do you admire the view?
`It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
`Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf --
I've had to ask you twice!'
`It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,
`To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
`The butter's spread too thick!'
`I weep for you,' the Walrus said:
`I deeply sympathize.'
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.
`O Oysters,' said the Carpenter,
`You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none --
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.
Holding the walrus in one hand, with only its head showing, the brash young man said to the wise old man, "Is it dead or alive?" The old man knew the youth's intent. If he said, "Dead," the boy would let the walrus slide away. If he said, "Alive," the boy would squeeze the walrus to death. So the old man skirted the issue by saying, "as you will, my son. As you will."
Originally posted by shavixmirHow can you tell if a left-flippered walrus has raided the fridge?
How can you tell if a walrus has raided the fridge?
He'll have left flipper marks in the butter.
If you groaned at reading that, just think of what I went through writing it!
He'll have left left flipper marks in the butter.
I man with a walrus on a leash flopping along behind him walked into a bar. He pointed with his cane at the patrons and announced:
"This is an amazing Brazilian trained walrus. Buy me a drink and I will show you the most amazing thing! She's fantastic!"
So a guy buys him a drink. The man looks down at the walrus. The walrus looks back at the man.
Then the man whacks the walrus on the head with a cane!
The walrus immediately sits up on her tail and unzips the man's pants. She pulls out his John Thompson and services it, rolling her eyes and using just a little tusk. As the man groans with pleasure, the walrus cleans him off with a napkin and rezips his pants.
"Now, would any of you like to try it? Just buy me another beer," the man says.
One fellow raises his hand. "Sure, man, I'll try it...but please...don't hit me with that stick!"
Originally posted by Jay PeateaLet's see if we can make it work....
There was an English walrus, Irish walrus & Scottish walrus, all shipwrecked on an iceberg...... oh Boll*cks this isn't going to work is it?
An English, Irish and Scottish walrus are shipwrecked on an inceberg.
One piece of the iceberg breaks off and starts floating towards mainland Greenland. There's only room for one walrus on it.
The Scottish walrus says: "I should be on that. We invented the television, anti-biotics and football. We're something the world should be proud of!"
The English walrus answered by giving the Scottish walrus a violent head butt. Yes. The English walrus had probably drunk 3 pints of lager.
The Irish walrus slid off the iceberg and just swam home.
Originally posted by Jay PeateaYou have to say that last line in a Tom Baker/little britain style voice !
Not Bad (NPSR for you) but it needs fine tuning
An English, Irish and Scottish walrus are shipwrecked on an inceberg.
One piece of the iceberg breaks off and like a turd in the sea, starts floating towards mainland Greenland. There's only room for one walrus on it.
The Scottish walrus says: "I should be on that. We invented golf, and have th ...[text shortened]...
The Irish walrus slid off the iceberg, pissed as a newt, and drown, but who cares about him.