Entry No 2
PERRY FLUTTER AND THE SEWER OF DREAD
Perry Futter lived a life of ease and opulence in the penthouse suite of Dursley Towers until he was kidnapped one day by the half-squirt, Shagrid, on a flying Harley and carted off, kicking and screaming, to St. Pancreas Station, platform 9-7/8, there to be bundled aboard the Frogwarts Express. As the train pulled out, Perry mooned through the window, revealing the amazing birthmark on his left buttock.
"I say, that's a remarkable birthmark," remarked the lad on the seat next to Perry, "you must be Perry Futter!"
"Maybe," Perry shot back. "Who wants to know?"
"Foulboy," the lad answered, "Sluggo Foulboy. My dad's a bigwig at the Ministry of Malcontents. You'll be my friend, if you know what's good for you."
And so before the train arrived at Frogwarts, Perry had made a fast friend and everyone on the train knew of the amazing birthmark, including saucey Trollopione Danger, who was already heavy with Ron Measley's illegitimate child, though Ron was too dense to connect his previous two-minute epiphany with her presently rotund appearance.
"Shush!" Professor McConical chided, as Perry proceeded to show everyone else at Frogwarts his amazing birthmark immediately upon arrival, "there is plenty of time for that later. First we shall snort the saplings into their houses."
The names of the saplings were read out, and, one-by-one, they slipped on the Snorting Hat and were assigned to their houses:
"Trollopione Danger, Pifflespoof," the hat snorted.
"Viktor Crumb, Mufflefart."
"Colin Greasy, Smurkwicke."
"Ronald Measely, Oh God, not another Measley -- don't your parents know about birth control?? Oh well, go and join the other fifteen Measleys in Drivelfish."
"Perry Futter, Smithereens."
"Mortimer Flinch-Bletchley -- go home, now!"
"Who's that next to Professor Grumbleboar?" Perry asked his new mates, having seated himself to a tumultuous reception at the Smithereens' table. "The stern-looking one who keeps staring at my trousers?"
"That's Professor Septicemius Grope," Sluggo's now second-best friend, Drabbe, answered, "lecturer in Dark Arts, curses and psychological diseases."
"Coool," Perry cooed. "Do you think he'd like to see my birthmark?"
"I'm sure he knows all about it," Drabbe said. "He and your murdered father were tight, so they say."
Perry suddenly turned pale. "What?!" he gasped incredulously, "tight?"
Perry quickly endeared himself to Professor Grope and excelled in Dark Arts and psychological diseases and it surprised no one at Frogwarts when Miss Danger gave birth, some three months later, to a two-headed piguana which subsequently became Colin's animucus and constant companion.
Professor Goldenboy Flipchart (narcissism 101) and Professor McConical (numerology) caligulated Neville Shortbutt and his squidroach, 'Neville.' Until, that is, the arrival of Mad-Eye Mouldy, the new lecturer in poisoned darts, lycanthropy, and philately.
Having crept through the dank sewers to Frogsmeade tavern and stuck himself under a table like someone else's abandoned chewing gum, Perry overheard Mad-Eye Mouldy and Asthmaticus Cough conversing in hushed tones about the strange and untimely demise of his father, Protagoras Futter, in the Sewer of Dread.
"'Ee dint slip, oi sez," Mad-Eye Mouldy was sezzin. "'Ee were shov-ed!"
"He knew of the secret invisible map," Cough coughed. "Why didn't he swim for the other side and climb out?"
"Maybe 'ee were under a curse of, ya know, the one we ne'er speak out loud," Mad-Eye Mouldy murmured conspiratorially.
"But only two people are master of the curse of, you know, the one we never speak out loud."
"An' one'a dem be..."
But just at that instant Shagrid rent the tavern with a fierce flatus which drowned out the name of the only other person who, you know, knew the curse one never speaks out loud.
Professor Fumblehore was not amused: the kitchen-dwarves had been unionized by that brat-chick, Trollopione, and walked out on strike for pay and conditions. The silly old fool, Dribblesore, engaged Venal strikebreakers and the menu was poached Druids three meals a day. Perry and Sluggo Foulboy had no choice but to act; they stole the secret invisible map and swam the Sewers of Dread to far-away Ascorbate where they came under the tutelage of its warden, Jocular Black, who taught them the secret magical imprecation to reverse the curse holding Professor Babblelore's once brilliant protege, Todd Piddle, captive in a secret cheese cellar deep beneath the vinaigrette vault of Frogwarts.
"In flagrante origami!" Black taught them to chant in unison, for only thus could they wake Todd from the spell of somnambulismatoxis.
Ludicrous Foulboy, Ministry of Malcontents, saw to it that Bulbous Bumblemore (who kept forgetting his own name) was dispatched on permanent sabbatical to an Alzheimer's clinic in Peoria and replaced by his own former most-brilliant and now-rehabilitated acolyte -- Lord Walmart!
The End (buy the sequel: Perry Futter and the Stoned Philosopher)