And here it is (but it's not a frog at all):
The giant green toad
It was a rainy evening and I was cycling home through the woods. I wasn’t cycling in a straight line. No sir! I was all over the place. I had in me: 3 liters of beer, 2 vodka martini’s and half a bottle of chilled white wine.
As I staggered (or whatever the cycling equivalent is of staggering) all over the wet and mouldy pathway, I nearly rode into a giant green toad.
It was big. It was green. And it was a toad.
I swerved like Starskey and Hutch out of its way, crashed into the bushes and tumbled over onto a nice, soft bed of thistles, ivy and nettles. As I dragged myself and my bicycle up off the forest floor, the giant green toad said: “Thank you sir. For not driving over me.”
I scratched my nose and said: “A talking giant green toad. How quaint. What have I been drinking?”
The toad smiled (or whatever the toady equivalent is of smiling): “No. I really am grateful. So grateful, that I’m going to grant you three wishes.”
Well, who am I to oppose such an alcohol induced offer, so I played along with the giant green toad: “Well, I wish I lived in a castle. I wish I owned a Porche 911 and I wish Drew Barrymore was lying in bed waiting for me.”
The toad smiled again and hopped away.
So, I got back on my bicycle and I had nearly forgotten the whole incident when I cycled into my street...
Well...my street and a castle with my door number on it. I was flabbergasted (which, incidentally, is a very cool word). I cycled up the pathway and in front of the door...stood a bright red Porche 911 convertible. I was flabbergasted (such a good word, I hope you don’t mind me using it twice).
And I’m not stupid. Even though IQ tests may well be inherently flawed, misused by nazi’s and pathetically inaccurate, my IQ has always been way over 90 and I put one and one together quicker than Bertrand Russel wrote the principa mathematica...I ran up the stairs...and lo and behold! There upon my bed lay the beautiful Drew Barrymore (or Drool Barrymore as I prefer to call her).
To cut a long story slightly shorter (and to miss out on the juicy details), Drool and I had hot and horny sex for hours and hours. I was obviously fantastic and she was quite good as well.
At about four in the morning I decided Drool needed a little break and I went down to the castle’s kitchen for a drink. I opened the fridge door and the whole fridge was full of ice-cold beers! I was well pleased!
So, I popped open a beer and then a voice behind me said: “Are you happy?”I swiveled around (not spilling a drop, in case you’re interested) and there stood the giant green toad.
I lifted my bottle and cheered him: “Well done Toad! This is fantastic!”
“I’m glad you’re happy.” He smiled. “But can I ask you one little favour.”
“Anything...anything you want Toad!” I was rather joyous.
“Would you give me a hug? Nobody ever hugs a toad.”
I looked at the giant green toad. He was green. He was a toad and he was all slimy. A slimy green giant toad. But he did give me a Porche 911...convertible. So, I grabbed his slimy cold body and gave him a nice big hug.
As I sipped my beer the giant green toad asked: “Can I ask you another favour?”
“Anything. Anything you want toad!” I was reasonably joyous.
“I’d like a kiss. I’ve not had a snog for ages.”
I looked at the giant green toad. He was green, slimy and he had warts all over his face and body. A giant, warty, slimy green toad. But he did give me a castle.
So, I wrapped my arms around his bum, planted my lips on his (or whatever the toady equivalent is of lips), stuck my tongue in his facial cavity and gave him some tongue.
After the kiss, as I was sipping some more beer, the giant green toad asked: “Could you do me one more favour please?” “Well....” I wasn’t really all that joyous anymore.
The giant green toad looked at me with big puppy eyes...
“Okay.” I said. “Anything you want!”
“Would you give me a good shagging please? I’ve never done that before.”
I looked at the giant green toad. He was green, slimy and his warts were leaking pus all over the place. Giant warts dripping with yellowish goo. But he did give me Drool Barrymore. What could I do?
I stepped behind him, bent him forward and started having sex with him.
As I was shagging, right in front of my eyes, he slowly started turning into a 9 year old boy. And seriously Judge, this is exactly how it happened!!
- traditional -
http://shavixmir.blogspot.com
(not my own, but a decent one)
A old king had to leave his realm for some business. He was afraid that his only daughter, his princess, would be taken advantage of by some of the guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.
The king left. That night, three of the guards did plan to pork the princess.
The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.
The Second Guard went in. After some time. Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.
The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to bang his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced members, but the third one didn't. Confused, the King sent the first two guards to the executioner, and praised the Third Guard for his honesty, telling him he would be handsomely rewarded. But his curiosity got the better of him, and he had to ask why the Third Guard was so much more trustworthy than his fellow guards. The Third Guard replied " Lor masty, aoul wespct to lor fwamily und lor heir und bwud wine, I lud neba pry fuk ur dahta".
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Metre board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing lengths. After about thirty lengths she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."
Originally posted by sjegI dont get it
(not my own, but a decent one)
A old king had to leave his realm for some business. He was afraid that his only daughter, his princess, would be taken advantage of by some of the guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.
The king left. That night, three of the guards did plan ...[text shortened]... masty, aoul wespct to lor fwamily und lor heir und bwud wine, I lud neba pry fuk ur dahta".
Originally posted by guitarguy1Not even if he were the grown-up version of the kid from the other joke thread that caused so much fuss? Old Sum Ting Wong? No?
Uhhh
either I still dont get it or its not funny
I give up. The fellow couldn't talk because his tongue had been sliced to bits when he was trying to get involved in a bit of foreplay with the princess. He said "Your majesty, out of respect to your family, your heir and your bloodline, I would never try and f*ck your daughter".
Blimey. If you folk aren't the fellows who cut the nightingale's throat open to see what's inside.
Any of you have anything better?