Jesus and his buddies are coming to the end of a delicious meal, plenty of wine, good company and high jinks. The waiter arrives with the bill - Jesus takes it, looks at it, raises his eyebrows and passes it on to Peter saying "I'm a bit light this week, can you deal with this mate?". Peter smiles and says "no problem buddy, Judas owes me a solid - give it to him." Judas takes the bill and looks at it. He coughs and splutters, spitting wine across the table. "30 pieces of silver?! Where the hell am I gonna get 30 pieces of silver from?"
At Sunday School the children got the question "Where does Jesus live?"
Little Anna answered "In our bathroom."
"What? In your bathroom? How can you say that?"
"Well, when mum opened the bathroom door once I heard her saying 'Jesus, are you there!?'"
A Methodist arrives in Heaven and is looking around at all the people wondering who they are. He says to Peter, "who's that lot?" Peter says "they are the Baptists and the CofE lot having a BBQ together.
"Oh" the Methodists says "and who are those good people over there", "well they are the Presbyterians and the United Reformed lot, it's their sports afternoon today" explains Peter.
Looking around the Methodist spots a group of people way off in a corner all on their own, "who are they all by themselves?" he asks. Peter turns and says "Shhhhhh, those are the Pentecostals, and they still think they are the only ones here!"
A burglar breaks into a pet shop at midnight and as he navigates his way towards the light switch he hears a voice that says
"Jesus is watching!"
Ignoring the voices in his head he stumbles onwards. The voice comes over louder:
"Jesus is watching!!!"
Despite this second warning he continues his nefarious activities and finally stumbles upon the light switch. As he switches it on, it dawns on him that the voice came from a parrot...and that Jesus is the bloody great big rottweiler eyeing up it's next meal.
A girl was in her classroom and tells her science teacher about Jesus' teaching that Jonah was the only sign as to his coming. That is, Jonah was in the belly of the whale for 3 days and nights, just like Christ was in the grave for 3 days and nights. The teacher sneeringly says that a whale could never swallow a human whole, nor could a human being live in the belly of a whale for 3 days and nights. The child retorted that she will set the story straight when she gets to heaven and asks Jonah personally. The child then added that the teacher will never find out the truth like she will. The teacher then sneeringly asked the child why only she would ever know the truth. The child retorted, "Because Jonah went to heaven". 😛
"Jesus Alou on second with 2 out. McCovey at the plate. Here comes the pitch... and a line drive, base hit going into left field. Here comes Alou around third... here comes the throw home... and they NAIL Jesus at the plate!"