The 1st Step...

Accepting ourselves is the first step of love. Only then do we allow ourselves to shine! ~ Jill Douka

Love your cracks!

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, which each hung on the ends of a pole she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

The perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled. "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Like the cracked pot, I spent a lot of time trying to hide my flaws, change them or ignore them. This was very hard and in the end did not serve me or my environment.

Now I know that the only way to really allow our unique diamond to shine is to love it and accept it 100%. Love and accept ourselves 100%. Embrace every little flaw that we have. Speak to ourselves like we would speak to our dearest friend, or to our children. Ask ourselves what would make us happy and feel fulfilled.

While in an emergency case, on an airplane, it is crucial that we put on our own oxygen mask, before doing it for our child or the person who sits next to us. The same applies for ourselves. It is important that we first provide ourselves with the love we want to receive.

The meaning of loving ourselves is quite misunderstood. Selfishness and loving ourselves are two terms that are often confused. Loving ourselves starts from self-respect. It is important to respect our wants, needs and the moments we enjoy. It starts from us and within us. It is unnatural to expect other people's respect and love when we don't do it ourselves.

Most of us are wasting our lives, waiting to be loved by other people. But love comes the other way around. The first step is to love ourselves and only then, we are able to attract other people who have the ability to truly love us. Accepting ourselves is the first step of love. Only then do we allow ourselves to shine!

You seem to be new to the site. Welcome. The wins will start to flow once you have a bit more practice. Meanwhile everyone will enjoy the wins you give them. I am a bit of a crackpot myself as you may notice in time.

Useful to establish the distinction between a capacity for self respect on the one hand, and narcissism on the other, and the way these different energies play out socially.

Eric Beirne, of the famous Games People Play, proposed a matrix for the way people deal with their world based on the choice to decide: I'm Okay you're Okay. This gives four "life positions" :
I'm OK you're OK
I'm OK you're not OK
I'm not OK you are OK
I'm not OK you're not OK

What is critical; is that these "life positions" are inherent in the personality and are not objective at all. Some people are just predisposed to think that others are not to be trusted.

Bowlby's Attachment Theory research over many years developed an almost identical model based on the way children emerge from their early life experiences. Some trust that their needs will be met. Some believe the opposite. Some trust that other people will like them and some expect that other people will normally dislike them and be hostile.

In this theory, if people form the fundamental belief that their needs are not going to be met, either because other people are not to be trusted or because the person does not believe themself deserving, then they will approach others on this basis consistently and it will colour (or discolour) their experiences of social life.

Both theories insist that people out there are a mixture and that we need to learn how to deal with people in a more objective manner. The first step, as you say, is learning that we ourselves have intrinsic value and are deserving of having our needs met. A second step is to appreciate that this is reciprocal and other people also have intrinsic value and deserve to have their needs met. That second step is essential to escape narcissism.

Object Relations Theory, in the psychoanalytic field, suggests that part of healthy development entails the necessary and unavoidable experience of being disappointed. Slowly, we learn that our carer (mother) is sometimes full of empathy and concern and sometimes distant and unavailable. Of course we all need the security of being looked after, but we also need the frustration of not always getting what we demand when we demand it. We have to learn that the disappointments can and will be resolved. In the process we start to learn that our needs and wishes are not the same as those of others and we must negotiate to get our needs met. In short, we learn that we are separate and individual and that so are our mother, our carers, and others generally.

Narcissism is a failure to grasp that others think and feel in their own way, differently to the way we think and feel. Most people will establish some measure of empathy, able to see that others are like ourselves but able also to see that they are not identical and do not have to be. But some people fail to achieve this outcome and their approach to social life can be poisonous. I fear that such people, narcissists, also gravitate towards the more dogmatic and intolerant aspects of politics, religion and society. I also fear that most people have a potential for narcissism which can be activated and excited by agencies of social control, not least of course the consumer marketing industry, but also those promoting bigotry in politics and religion.

Originally posted by Lloyd E Adkins
Accepting ourselves is the first step of love. Only then do we allow ourselves to shine! ~ Jill Douka

Love your cracks!

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, which each hung on the ends of a pole she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At ...[text shortened]... Accepting ourselves is the first step of love. Only then do we allow ourselves to shine!