"Thread: Biblical Humor"

"Thread: Biblical Humor"

http://www.treasurenet.com/forums/comedy-central/328873-biblical-humor.html

Enjoy!

Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
[b]"Thread: Biblical Humor"

http://www.treasurenet.com/forums/comedy-central/328873-biblical-humor.html

Enjoy![/b]

A whole link for one rubbish joke 😕

Originally posted by divegeester
A whole link for one rubbish joke 😕

Slow down. Go to the Forum Window. There's a number of interesting threads.

Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
Slow down. Go to the Forum Window. There's a number of interesting threads.

But your OP is about the "humour"; surely you don't expect me to rummage through pages of a random website looking for jokes?

Originally posted by divegeester
But your OP is about the "humour"; surely you don't expect me to rummage through pages of a random website looking for jokes?

Five options, one click.

Although not nearly as funny as the joke in the OP, here is an example of indirect humor in the Hebrew Scriptures, in which there are puns and jokes that also sometimes carry a moral. Unfortunately, they are likely to be missed by people who insist on a “literalistic/historicistic” (descriptive/factual) reading (perhaps especially in translation).

Anyway, I am off for Sabbath. This is perhaps a lazy post, copied from a while back (with minor edits); but maybe someone will enjoy it . . .

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Another midrash (the first one I ever attempted; midrash usually pays attention to the poly-meanings of Hebrew). This was in 2005 on here. I just remembered it because the story was brought up recently in a thread here (I forget where). It is based on 2 Kings 2:23,24—

23 He went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, "Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!"
24 When he turned around and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.


My exploration was prompted by this question by bbarr: “Why 42 children rather than some other number? Normally the numbers used in the OT have metaphorical significance.” And a follow-up a few posts later: “Why 42 children, dammit! There has to be a reason!”
My midrash (slightly edited) is presented below:
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In Hebrew, each letter also stands for a number (there are no numerals in Biblical Hebrew). Now, the word for bear is spelled dalet bet (DB, pronounced dob; there were no real vowels in Hebrew either: sometimes a consonant could also have a vowel sound, and vowel markings were added later). Dalet is the fourth letter of the Hebrew alphabet, bet is the second letter: 4 and 2. [These would actually be used in a chumash—printed Torah/Tanach—to number the verses.]

The words used to identify the number of children in the story are arba’im v’sheni. arba’im is the plural form of arba, which means four-fold, quadruple, a four-count; hence, arba’im was used for the word “forty.” v’sheni means “and a double.”

A reader fluent in classical Hebrew would recognize the complex pun on the word dob, meaning bear, but also the numerals 4 and 2. (Again, there are no numerals in classical Hebrew.)

Since Hebrew is based on a consonantal root system (usually three, but in this case two), words with the same consonantal roots can be related, regardless of the order of the letters. Now, the word spelled bet-dalet (BD), also means idle talk or prattle. It would not be outside of midrashic exegesis to propose that this verse means, symbolically, something like, “idle chatter ate them up.”

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So, in this case, the story is really a fable, with a symbolic pedagogical meaning, likely aimed at “idle talk” among children. Read literally, it is inescapably horrific. I just don’t think that this story was ever intended to be taken literally—or even gravely. The pun is too obvious (and I had learned just enough Hebrew to see it). That does not make this the only possible, or “the one right”, reading/midrash by any means—a notion that I reject in principle with regard to classical Hebrew.

Basically, this is a children’s tale, based on a pun. You might visualize a story-telling scenario in which the youngest children are initially frightened (kind of like a ghost story), but then see the older children (who see the pun and the lesson) rolling their eyes, and the adults laughing up their sleeve.

Very good, and thank for posting vistesd. I guess us Christians can rest assured that God doesn't really hate children after all. 🙂

You don't happen to have a similar fable about homosexuals by any chance do you?

Originally posted by divegeester
Very good, and thank for posting vistesd. I guess us Christians can rest assured that God doesn't really hate children after all. 🙂

You don't happen to have a similar fable about homosexuals by any chance do you?

Thanks, divegeester. 🙂 No, no fables on that one; I do have some in depth exegesis of the Hebrew texts that I’m pulling together—short version: the Hebrew bible refers to (a) abusive relations of any kind, (b) homosexual relations (generally by otherwise heterosexual males) in the context of ritual idolatry, and (c) relationships that would be prohibited to heterosexuals as well (e.g., incestuous ones), but does not speak to homosexual relations in general (no reference to lesbian relations, no mention of what we would call a committed relationship between gays). There does appear to be a limited prohibition for priests (Levites/kohanim), and perhaps in the land of Israel (aretz yisrael), only. [Though the original Levitical texts were apparently amended/expanded in the time of Ezra the Scribe.]

That is the extremely short (much too short) version. Below is a link to a long version, with articles by several respected rabbis/scholars. It’s a lot to wade through, from a number of different angles(including Oral Torah), and I personally wouldn’t comment on it further until I’ve had a chance to assimilate it better, and compare it with other such work. Maybe, at some point, I would be willing to present a more thorough argument.

http://home.earthlink.net/~ecorebbe/id18.html

For those (whether Jews or Christians or Muslims) who are not willing to accept even the possibility that the original Hebrew texts, in the original language, contain no general condemnation of homosexuality, no amount of scholarship will matter. [I am aware that Christians and Muslims have other scriptures (i.e., the NT and the Quran, respectively; I won’t address them, but I have heard similar arguments for Paul’s statements in the original Greek—I really don’t recall them exactly though, and somebody else can dig into that. I am looking into the Oral Torah as much as I am able, given my somewhat limited resources.]

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EDIT: No criticism is intended for people who are not interested in extended research or extended discourse in a given area. We all have our individual interests that we bring to the table, as well as our own styles of discourse (such as my usually overlong, overly detailed excursions . . . ).

Dying Priest

In Washington, DC an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served
the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old priest
wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images."

Reid agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen,
why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama. "Amen", said Reid.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same".
.

Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
[b]Dying Priest

In Washington, DC an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served
the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I ...[text shortened]... "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same".
.[/b]

then obama took out two six inch nails and a hammer.

the priest went pale and apologized for being a prick.

Jesus and Mary Magdalene walked into a bar. Judas ducked.

Catholic lipstick

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. ''There are teachers...... And then there are educators! If Sister Mary ran for office I would vote for her''!
.

Ah, we’re back on track!

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.


Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read
to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."


They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

From: http://www.jewishjokes.net/jokes/772/The-bear

Originally posted by vistesd
Although not nearly as funny as the joke in the OP, here is an example of indirect humor in the Hebrew Scriptures, in which there are puns and jokes that also sometimes carry a moral. Unfortunately, they are likely to be missed by people who insist on a “literalistic/historicistic” (descriptive/factual) reading (perhaps especially in translation).

Anyway ...[text shortened]... (who see the pun and the lesson) rolling their eyes, and the adults laughing up their sleeve.

Are you suggesting the entire Bible is a joke of some sort?

😵

I remeber visiting the Sistine Chapel. One of the stories was about the painting of the Great Judgement on the wall. Michael Angelo had painted nudes and one of the priests hinted that they needed to have clothes. The two fought for some time about this and the priest finely brought the Pope into the Sistine Chapel to try and persuade Michael Angelo to censor the nudes in the paintings. Then, much to his chagrin, the priest in question saw his face painted in the deepest chamber of hell in the painting of the great judgement. Outraged he demanded that the Pope do something about it. The Pope just smiled and said, "Once you are in hell, nothing can be done, all hope is gone", and just smiled and walked off.

Zing!!! 😛