In case some of you don't know, Mike Brown is the owner of the Cincinnati Bengals who has single handidly destroyed an entire franchise since he took it over in 1990. To give you some perspective, since he took them over, the Bengals have not had one play off win, which is the longest span of any NFL team. In fact, since 1990 the Bengals have only been to the play offs twice since he took over for his father Paul Brown, who was a football legend. This was about the time that this poem was written.
Now that we have some perspective, here is a Christmas ode to Mikey.
Down in Who-deyville
Liked winning a lot
But the Grinch!
Who lived just North of Who-deyville
The Grinch hated winning! The whole football season!
Now, please don't ask me why, no one
quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head was not screwed on quite right!
It could be, perhaps, that his knotted tie was too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all,
Was because his heart was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason
His heart or his tight tie,
He stood there this football season
Hating the fans known as the Who's,
Staring down from his throne with a sour Grinchy frown,
At the warm glow of optimism
Emanating from the town.
For he knew every fan in Who-deyville in his mercy,
Was putting on a brand new Ickey Woods jersey.
"And their hangning thier pennants!!"
he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrrow is football season! It's practically here!"
Then he growled with his grinch fingers nervously tapping,
"I must find a way to keep winning from happening!"
For tomorrow he knew.....
All the fans with their toys,
Would arrive bright and early.
They would drink with great joy!
And then? Oh the noise! Oh the noise! noise! noise! noise!!
That is the one thing he hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the fans, young and old, would tailgaist a feast!
And they'd feast!
And they'd feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!!
That was something the Grinch could not stand in the least!
They would fire up their grills on hot coals
Wolfing down burgers on kaiser rolls!!
They'd do something he liked least of all!!
Every fan down in Who-deyville, the tall and the small,
When they were through eating and beering that he saw,
Would enter the stadium and begin with their cheering!
They'd cheer! And they'd cheer!
And they'd cheer! Cheer! Cheer! Chear!!!
The more the Grinch thought of such joy while drinking their beers
The more the Grinch tried to hold back his tears.
Why for 33 years I've put up with this now,
I must stop winning from coming......
Then he got an idea
An awful idea!!!
The Grinch got a wonderful awful idea!!
"I know just what to do!" the Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick general manager's hat and coat!!
And he chuckled and clucked at all of his bother.
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like my father!"
All I need is a staff......
The Grinch looked around,
But since they seemed to be scarce,
there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch?
NO!! The Grinch simply said...
"If I can't hire good staff I will make them up instead."
So he called all his relatives, who thought the idea was hot,
And he ended by saying, "This will be easier than I thought."
He loaded some old jerseys
And unwashed jock straps
In his ramshackle Chevy
And quickly made ready.
Then the Grinch said, "Let's go!"
And the car started down
Toward the suburbs
where the fans made thier homes in the town.
All the windows were dark.
Quiet expectation filled the air.
All the fans were dreaming of Boomer without care.
When he came to the first house on the square,
"This is stop #1," the old Grinchy manager hissed,
A stack full of roster moves clenched in his tight fist.
He crept in the window, taking his time.
He didn't want to wake the whole offensive line.
He stumbled just once, for a moment or two,
But once inside he knew just what to do.
He looked where their jerseys of the blockers hung in a row.
"These All-Pro's on the line" he said,
"Are the first things to go!!"
Then he slithered and slunk,
with a smile most unnerving!
Taking roster moves in his hand, he began unraveling!!
He got rid of Montoya! Walters! Kozerski! Munoz!
He replaced them with Chidress! DeMarco! Tom Scott! And Rod Jones!!
He took them all away leaving nothing but stiffs.
Running backs blowing out knees after offensive line whiffs!!
Then he slunk to the defense.
He trashed the front seven!
No more Krumrie or Reggie Williams!
Oh this is heaven!!
HE was so thorough with his dismantling that when he was done,
He had even replaced Deryl Williams with Lance Gunn.
He felt satisfied that he had done well on his fateful trip.
"And Now!" said the Grinch, "I will take away the leadership!"
As the Grinch grabbed Esiason, as he started to shove,
He heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and saw a small fan.
A bengal-clad boy of 12, not quite yet a man.
The Grinch had been caught by this die-hard fan.
Who had dared question his miserable plan.
He stared at the Grinch and said, "Why, Mr. Brown why?"
"Why are you taking our quarterback, why?"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick.
That he thought up a lie, and he thought is up quick!
"Why, my astute young man," the fake GM said,
"I've got a young Klingler, who has a much quicker trigger finger.
So I'm getting rid of the old one, who has a bad shoulder."
"You'll be much happier with this new one he has a laser in his holster."
And his fib fooled the child.
He patted his head, and got him a draft guide, and sent him to bed.
And when the young man was gone without a fret,
He grabbed old #7 and made him a Jet.
Then the last thing he took
Was the coach who had fire.
And he crowned himself king, the old liar.
All he left of the team were some scrubs running through tires.
And the one quality player he left in the house,
Was a kicker who was as small as a mouse.
Then he planned to do the same thing year after year.
Leaving teams too weak to cause any fear.
It was dawn of opening day....
All the fans still snug in their beds,
All the fans still snoozing, Lombardi Trophy in their heads.
When he dismantled the team,
No shoes! No breakfast!! No new towles!!! No bonuses!!!!
No quality lockers in the stadium bowels!
Poo poo to the Who's, he was Grinchishly humming,
"They will soon figure out that no winning is coming."
They are just starting to arrive! I know just what they will do!"
"Their mouths will hang open for a moment or two,
Then all the fans down in Who-deyville will cry BOO-HOO!!
"That is a noise," grinned the Grionch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused, then he put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the town.
It started in a bit down, but soon made the Grinch frown!
This sound was not sad! This sound was glad.
It could not be so! But it was merry! Very!!
Every fan down in Who-deyville, the tall and the small,
Was cheering!! Without the least hint of winning at all!!
He had stopped winning from coming, but they came just the same!!
And the Grinch, with his Grinsh-feet all cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be so?"
They came without playoffs!! They came without stars!! They came without tickertape parades in fancy cars!!"
And he puzzled long and hard till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
"Maybe winning," he thought, "Doesn't matter anymore."
"Maybe, just maybe, these fans can be squeezed a little bit more."
And what happened then?
Well, in Who-deyville they say,
The Grinch's heart shrank three more sizes that day!!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so light,
He blew into town with a threat to move in the night!!
He demanded tax-payer built stadiums on words dripped with honey.
And he, he himself, the Grinch, kept all of the money!!
Have a belated Merry Christmas everyone!!