A letter from the British Home Office to the people of America
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP (for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'😉 and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America (except Japan because you made them). Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because
we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). This will
include all interest paid on the loan to us in World War 2 whilst you
sat on your arses milking our economy dry.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Originally posted by howardgeeI'd give you a rec, if I thought this was written after the 2004 election. This was written in 2000, after the election, but before the Supreme Court declared Bush the winner of the presidency. Hence, the opening line, "In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves...." I laughed when I read this four years ago. But the second time around....not so much.
A letter from the British Home Office to the people of America
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give ...[text shortened]... ses milking our economy dry.
Thank you for your cooperation.
In case you are wondering, I did not vote for Bush in either election.
Originally posted by Natural Sciencei wanted to rec it but then read yours .... can you give more details ??????
I'd give you a rec, if I thought this was written after the 2004 election. This was written in 2000, after the election, but before the Supreme Court declared Bush the winner of the presidency. Hence, the opening line, "In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves...." I laughed when I read ...[text shortened]... around....not so much.
In case you are wondering, I did not vote for Bush in either election.
where was it?
when was it?
where is it?
(i still may rec it!)
Originally posted by howardgeeSpeaking as someone who has drunk "tea" in the US, this can only be an improvement...
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
Originally posted by Natural ScienceOh, I only received it yesterday.
I'd give you a rec, if I thought this was written after the 2004 election. This was written in 2000, after the election, but before the Supreme Court declared Bush the winner of the presidency. Hence, the opening line, "In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves...." I laughed when I read ...[text shortened]... around....not so much.
In case you are wondering, I did not vote for Bush in either election.
A good spot there Natural Science, I did not realise it was old hat.
This is the first time I have posted something which was not entirely my own work, but I knew plenty would enjoy it on this site.
I am just waiting for SlimJim and ChancreMechanic to Rec it!
Originally posted by kirksey957Tony Blair.
How's she going to govern us when she can't even keep that soap opera under her own roof under control?
You think the Queen can spell "glass houses"?
I kind of suspect that if the Brits had done better when the were the
big honchos in the middle east, the world might be a less dangerous place today.
This is by no means an excuse for Bush just a reminder that the U.S. doesn't exist in a vaccuum and not everything is Bush's or America's fault.
Originally posted by frogstompTrue, maybe we (the allies) should have handed Germany over to the Jews after WW2?
Tony Blair.
You think the Queen can spell "glass houses"?
I kind of suspect that if the Brits had done better when the were the
big honchos in the middle east, the world might be a less dangerous place today.
This is by no means an excuse for Bush just a reminder that the U.S. doesn't exist in a vaccuum and not everything is Bush's or America's fault.
Originally posted by howardgeeget a life....🙄
A letter from the British Home Office to the people of America
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume mon ...[text shortened]... 2 whilst you
sat on your arses milking our economy dry.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Originally posted by timebombtedSheesh, did I say something bad about "Friends"?...wait, I think I did about 4-5 months ago...you have a memory like a steel trap...uh, to answer your question, no....I never found "Friends" to be funny...now, "All in the Family"?...yes
Excellent 😀
Now do you still find Friends funny?
🙂🙂