First, the basics :
Q. What is an economic stimulus payment?
A. It is money the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Now, some helpful advice on how best to help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely :
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay off your credit cards off or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and be hidden offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by :
1. spending it at yard sales;
2. going to ball games;
3. spending it on prostitutes;
4. buying beer; or
5. getting tattoos.
These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.
Conclusion : Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.