BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
(A Message from John Cleese To the Citizens of the United States of America)
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation."
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Classic or what?
I think to think there was a bloke called monty python, but so did a lot of American's. For some reason, that fact never makes me feel better about it...
i love Faulty Towers though! The single greatest British sitcom of all time!
EDIT: sorry, did i say "single greatest British sitcom"? i meant "single greatest sitcom". no others can match it...
Originally posted by shavixmirMemo to John Cleese (who is a very funny man!)
BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
(A Message from [b]John Cleese To the Citizens of the United States of America)
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will res ...[text shortened]... nies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation."
------
Classic or what?[/b]
You can't revoke what was not granted. We are independent because of a war that England lost.
Given the English monarchs before and after George III, I am not sure that you are competent to judge our leaders.
Cheers! 😀
Originally posted by jebrydzaginIs it true that the film 'The Madness of King George' was originally titled 'The Madness of King George III', but that the 'III' was dropped because it would confuse US audiences.?
Memo to John Cleese (who is a very funny man!)
You can't revoke what was not granted. We are independent because of a war that England lost.
Given the English monarchs before and after George III, I am not sure that you are competent to judge our leaders.
Cheers! 😀
Apparently, they would think it was the 3rd film in a series.
Originally posted by jebrydzaginEngland has never lost a war.
Memo to John Cleese (who is a very funny man!)
You can't revoke what was not granted. We are independent because of a war that England lost.
Given the English monarchs before and after George III, I am not sure that you are competent to judge our leaders.
Cheers! 😀
Americans speak English.
I think that denote the winners.
Originally posted by shavixmirVery funny. I have only two qualms with it, though:
BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
(A Message from [b]John Cleese To the Citizens of the United States of America)
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will res ...[text shortened]... nies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation."
------
Classic or what?[/b]
Baseball has been played outside of America's borders since 1969. There is currently a MLB franchise in Toronto, Canada (the Blue Jays). There used to be one in Montreal as well, but it was moved due to a supreme lack of interest on their part. Although a vast majority of the teams are located within the US, many of the players are from other parts of the world. There are players from all over Central and South America, Japan, Korea, etc. It is becoming more of a "World" Series all the time.
My second issue deals with beer. Prior to a couple of decades ago, Mr. Cleese's observations on the quality of American beer would have been spot on. But the brewing renaissance that has occured since then has rendered his critique obsolete. The burgeoning number of micro breweries has given Americans an unparalleled selection of quality beers to choose from. There are about 40 establishments within my own state of Michigan that brew their own beer, most with excellent results. So, although the major breweries still produce an execrable product, Americans no longer need to hold their heads in shame when it comes to the status of their beer. There are many excellent American beers now that will hold their own against anything brewed in the British Isles.
Originally posted by celticcountryamericans speak american. I don't go to the lou, i dont watch the telly, and i definitely dont go downtown with the bobbys. I as an american, I speak american by going to my sh****r, watchin tv, and go for a ride with the police. Bush may be a flaming dumbass, but hes hasnt signed anything like the magna carta. you remember that dont you. 1215, K.John. ruined the monarchial system in england from then on just about. besides, England got their a**es handed to them with all the trimmings in the revolutionary war. WHAT!
England has never lost a war.
Americans speak English.
I think that denote the winners.
Originally posted by rwingett"Do you know that drinking Budweiser is like having sex in a canoe? It's fcuking close to water."
Very funny. I have only two qualms with it, though:
Baseball has been played outside of America's borders since 1969. There is currently a MLB franchise in Toronto, Canada (the Blue Jays). There used to be one in Montreal as well, but it was moved due to a supreme lack of interest on their part. Although a vast majority of the teams are located within t ...[text shortened]... ellent American beers now that will hold their own against anything brewed in the British Isles.
- Monty Python -
Nothing beats a Guiness.
Originally posted by rwingett
Very funny. I have only two qualms with it, though:
Baseball has been played outside of America's borders since 1969. There is currently a MLB franchise in Toronto, Canada (the Blue Jays). There used to be one in Montreal as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CANADA IS AMERICA YOU HIDEOUS ORANGUTANG !