Chess Jokes
23 Aug '13 12:38Again I don't claim them as mine, just cute:
TOP TEN moments when you should sense danger in chess:
There has been a change in the pawn structure; your opponent has 8 and you don’t have any.
Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
You have a position won, but your opponent has a gun.
The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.
Before the game begins you notice your opponent’s first initials are GM.
After completing your development you sense your opponent is playing the endgame.
Just as you make your opening move, your opponent announces mate in 11.
You don’t control any squares at all.
Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
Your opponent has three bishops.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nine...
one to complain about the lighting levels
one to say he thinks the lighting is OK
one to suggest someone calls the arbiter
one to go and call the arbiter
one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings
one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing
both arbiters, and
one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say, "What a clever dog!" But the man protests, "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"
A passed pawn comes home from work one day driving a fancy new car. His wife is astonished and says "Honey, I don't think we can afford this nice new car on your salary." The passed pawn says, "Relax, I'm about to get promoted!"
My computer beat me at chess. Unfortunately my computer is not as good at kickboxing. I think my computer will have to forfeit the tiebreak round.
"So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!"
Two friends meet on the street one day and one of them says, "My wife says if I play in the chess tournament tomorrow she'll take the kids and leave me." The other asks him, "So what are you going to do tomorrow?" And the other answers, "Same as always: 1. e4."
TOP TEN moments when you should sense danger in chess:
There has been a change in the pawn structure; your opponent has 8 and you don’t have any.
Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
You have a position won, but your opponent has a gun.
The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.
Before the game begins you notice your opponent’s first initials are GM.
After completing your development you sense your opponent is playing the endgame.
Just as you make your opening move, your opponent announces mate in 11.
You don’t control any squares at all.
Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
Your opponent has three bishops.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nine...
one to complain about the lighting levels
one to say he thinks the lighting is OK
one to suggest someone calls the arbiter
one to go and call the arbiter
one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings
one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing
both arbiters, and
one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say, "What a clever dog!" But the man protests, "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"
A passed pawn comes home from work one day driving a fancy new car. His wife is astonished and says "Honey, I don't think we can afford this nice new car on your salary." The passed pawn says, "Relax, I'm about to get promoted!"
My computer beat me at chess. Unfortunately my computer is not as good at kickboxing. I think my computer will have to forfeit the tiebreak round.
"So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!"
Two friends meet on the street one day and one of them says, "My wife says if I play in the chess tournament tomorrow she'll take the kids and leave me." The other asks him, "So what are you going to do tomorrow?" And the other answers, "Same as always: 1. e4."
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