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General Forum

  1. Standard memberKJCavalier
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    23 Aug '13 12:38
    Again I don't claim them as mine, just cute:

    TOP TEN moments when you should sense danger in chess:

    There has been a change in the pawn structure; your opponent has 8 and you don’t have any.
    Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
    You have a position won, but your opponent has a gun.
    The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.
    Before the game begins you notice your opponent’s first initials are GM.
    After completing your development you sense your opponent is playing the endgame.
    Just as you make your opening move, your opponent announces mate in 11.
    You don’t control any squares at all.
    Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
    Your opponent has three bishops.

    Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Nine...

    one to complain about the lighting levels
    one to say he thinks the lighting is OK
    one to suggest someone calls the arbiter
    one to go and call the arbiter
    one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings
    one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing
    both arbiters, and
    one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb

    A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


    In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say, "What a clever dog!" But the man protests, "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"

    A passed pawn comes home from work one day driving a fancy new car. His wife is astonished and says "Honey, I don't think we can afford this nice new car on your salary." The passed pawn says, "Relax, I'm about to get promoted!"

    My computer beat me at chess. Unfortunately my computer is not as good at kickboxing. I think my computer will have to forfeit the tiebreak round.

    "So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!"

    Two friends meet on the street one day and one of them says, "My wife says if I play in the chess tournament tomorrow she'll take the kids and leave me." The other asks him, "So what are you going to do tomorrow?" And the other answers, "Same as always: 1. e4."
  2. SubscriberPonderable
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    03 Sep '13 13:45
    Chess jokes have been collected a few times here. e.g. Thread 153441.

    There should be a sticky thread for it?
  3. SubscriberPonderable
    chemist
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    24 Oct '13 13:58
    Originally posted by Ponderable
    Chess jokes have been collected a few times here. e.g. Thread 153441.

    There should be a sticky thread for it?
    or should we just bump this one?

    To add an old one:

    GW Bush and Osama bin Laden play chess who wins?

    * Osama, Bush already lost two towers.
    * Bush, Osama plays without Queen.
  4. SubscriberPianoman1
    Nil desperandum
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    25 Oct '13 10:48
    Originally posted by Ponderable
    or should we just bump this one?

    To add an old one:

    GW Bush and Osama bin Laden play chess who wins?

    * Osama, Bush already lost two towers.
    * Bush, Osama plays without Queen.
    Chess joke for Christmas|

    Convention of chess players at large hotel. All meet in hall to discuss their games. Much arrogance about their rating, how good their games are. You could even say: Chess Nuts Boasting in open Foyer.
  5. e4
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    25 Oct '13 15:541 edit
    Just make them up. I'm always making up chess jokes.

    A guy goes into a library and asks if there any chess books.

    "Yes", says the librarian, "but we do not have the full set."

    Library jokes are the new elephant and light bulb jokes.

    A guy goes into a library.

    "Any books on suicide?"

    "Yes, but no one ever brings them back."

    A guy goes into a library.

    "I'm looking for the section about books on the pantomime."

    "It's behind you....."

    A guy goes into a library.

    "I want a book on butter."

    "OK but don't spread the word."

    A guy goes into a library.

    "Have you got any large print books for people who cannot see to well?"

    "No!"

    "Why not?"

    "Because this is a shoe shop."

    and on it goes......
  6. Standard memberKJCavalier
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    26 Oct '13 17:34
    I thought it a good joke to.see.one of my threads om the first.page again
    🙄
  7. Joined
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    26 Oct '13 17:44
    Originally posted by KJCavalier
    I thought it a good joke to.see.one of my threads om the first.page again
    🙄
    Yes, they are good jokes!
  8. Joined
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    27 Oct '13 19:35
    "... Let's talk about chess, baby
    Let's talk about you and me
    Let's talk about all the good things
    And the bad things that may be
    Let's talk about chess
    Let's talk about chess
    Let's talk about chess
    Let's talk about chess..."




    (Salt 'n' Pepa - Let's talk about sex)
  9. SubscriberPonderable
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    31 Oct '13 16:34
    What is the difference between a man short of money and a Chess Champion?


    One pawns his watch, the other watches his pawns.
  10. SubscriberPonderable
    chemist
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    10 Dec '13 13:22
    How about this one:

    A woman tells here friend: My husband is beating me every night.
    You should divorce him.
    You think he will play weaker then?
  11. SubscriberPonderable
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    03 Jan '14 12:17
    The idea for this topic is merely to have fun!

    Please add any chess jokes you may have, and, most importantly... have a good time!!!!

    Cheers!!!

    My joke: The Merchant and the Arab

    A Spanish merchant traveling a lonely road did business from town to town. One day he came aross an Arab sitting in the middle of the road with a chess board.

    Curious, the merchant asked, "Why are sitting here alone playing chess?"

    "Oh, I'm not alone," said the Arab.

    "But I don't see anyone with you."

    "That is, the Arab replied, because I play the great Allah, the One who is everwhere!"

    "You have a powerful opponent, then!"

    "Yes, but a fair one."

    "And is He winning?" asked the merchant.

    "It seems so. Can you see how I can avoid being checkmated by His next move? It will mean I cannot play anymore today."

    "Why not?" asked the merchant, puzzled.

    "I will have lost all my money," replied the Arab.

    Stunned and not believing his ears, the merchant said slowly, "You and Allah play chess for money?" He had never ever heard of such a thing.

    "Yes. See, here I lose twenty gold pieces."

    "But wait, how do you pay Allah?"

    "Oh, of course Allah doesn't take the money Himself. He sends some honest holy man who takes it from me amd gives it to the poor. That is the same as giving it to Allah. And, since I have indeed lost, you must be the man Allah has sent today. Here, do Allah's and take these twenty gold pieces."

    The merchant, not as honest or holy as he might have been, was delighted.

    Weeks later, again traveling that road, the merchant shook his head at the thought of the Arab playing chess with Allah. Suddenly, in the middle of the road was the Arab, sitting alone with his chess board.

    "Is Allah winning today?" asked the merchant pulling his wagon up alongside.

    "No," replied the Arab, happily. "In fact, in one more move I shall checkmate Him, and win a hundred gold pieces!"

    "And however will Allah pay you?"

    "Oh, of course Allah doesn't pay me Himself. He sends some honest holy man who will give me what I have won! Today," the Arab finished, you must be the man Allah has sent to pay me one hundred gold pieces."
  12. Joined
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    03 Jan '14 16:48
    I'm an expert a blind chess.
    It's amazing the moves that I see after I push SEND.
  13. Joined
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    09 Jan '14 10:27
    A man was playing chess with his dog. A bystander watched in amazement.
    Eventually he could not contain himself any further.
    "I think your dog is amazing," he said.
    "He's not so smart," said the dog's owner, "that move just cost him the game."
  14. SubscriberPonderable
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    20 Jan '14 14:56
    Originally posted by billyray
    I'm an expert a blind chess.
    It's amazing the moves that I see after I push SEND.
    good one!
  15. SubscriberPonderable
    chemist
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    04 Mar '14 13:02
    Just to keep this floating:

    Two guys play chess until one says to the other: You play like the Rail Service?
    - Pardon me?
    - every move is late.
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