Originally posted by TRAINS44Chuck norris so so fast that he has already lived 20 lifetimes in 65 of our as he calls them "weeny years". He also makes a lightsaber noise when he kicks.
Now I think all this about Norris is gonna make me puke. 65 years old? Time for the nursing home.
Norris threw nasty 'Hissy Fits!' More than you're average 'calm' martial artist would.
He would cringe everytime Bruce Lee told/corrected him, "Not like that!!!"
Word has it, Norris stood back (in the shadows) during the filming of 'The Way of the Dragon' & watched in awe, as Bruce Lee accepted challenge after pointless challenge from 10ft tall & bullet-proof dudes who thought they could break him...
Chuck Norris, alive, good martial artist.
Bruce Lee, dead? 😞 LEGEND 😏
Geez, you people obviously never attend the online Church of Chuck Norris (i.e. the forums at worldofwarcraft.com).
Allow me to enlighten you all to the glory that is our God, Chuck Norris............
Chuck Norris once threw a roundhouse kick so extreme and powerful it traveled through time and space, over the ocean, and killed Amelia Airheart.
Once on the set of 'Walker: Texas Ranger' Chuck Norris brought a still born baby lamb to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Once a crowd had gather to witness the miracle, Chuck gave it a roundhouse kick, snapping its neck and killing it. This, was simply to remind his crew that "The good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck taketh away".
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was initially going to be a playable character in the video game "Street Fighter II". However, he was scrapped during beta testing, as every button combination would simply make him do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch, Chuck Norris said, "What glitch?".
Chuck Norris has recently implemented a way to market his urine. He puts it in a can and sells it under the label "Red Bull".
Once, the girlfriend of Chuck Norris asked him, "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?". Chuck then replied, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!?!" and roundhouse kicked her in the head. He proceeded to say, "DON'T (rhyming colorful metaphor) WITH CHUCK!!!". Approximatley three years later, Chuck realized the irony of this, and laughed so loud and thunderous that everyone within a mile of him went deaf.
Chuck Norris was originally the fourth wiseman from the Bible. He brought the baby Jesus the gift of 'beard', which Jesus loved and proudly wore to his dying day. The other three wise men, jealous of the obvious favortism, combined their political power to have any mention of Chuck removed from the Bible. All three died of round house kick related deaths shortly thereafter.
The tears of Chuck Norris could cure cancer......if he ever cried.
The "Transformers: the movie" theme song originally was "Chuck Norris: More than meets the eye. Chuck Norris: robot in disguise" The movie starred Chuck Norris as a Texas ranger who could turn into a pick up truck, and fought drug dealing decepticons. This was too much awesome, so the role was split up and the film animated.
There are no crippled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Once, just to prove he could do it, Chuck Norris smoked 7 cartons of cigarettes a day for 3 years, getting 4 kinds of cancer, which he purged from his body by flexing for 30 seconds.
I could go on, but I think this is too much Chuck Norris awesomeness for you people for one day. 😉
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a
list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir."
That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire
state down
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity." then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they
attack.