'Off the chest'. This is euphimism for confession. Though that is a distinctly christian concept, I am a product of it. I have a lot to say to RHP.
I made a statement to a RHP'er that I once belonged to a community at a Saloon that almost killed me. The reason it did was because I really don't like me, and I try to destroy myself at every opportunity.
That is the way life goes when you are not given an opportunity to express yourself until you are an adult. Self destuction.
At some point you say that you deserve to be heard. You join a community (or several) in hopes of being heard. It doesn't work. You are totally non-functional.
My offer today... to all RHP'ers is to answer completely and honestly any questions posed of me. I am tired of trying to pretend to 'fit in' with this community. I don't and can't.
Mike
Originally posted by StarValleyWyMike, the only way you don't ''fit in here'' is your dislike of chess 😉. There are 60 000 people here from all over the world. You fit in by default because you are human. Also, most of RHP like having you around.
'Off the chest'. This is euphimism for confession. Though that is a distinctly christian concept, I am a product of it. I have a lot to say to RHP.
I made a statement to a RHP'er that I once belonged to a community at a Saloon th ...[text shortened]... nd to 'fit in' with this community. I don't and can't.
Mike
I think you are heard here. You frequently have good things to say, and the people of RHP argue, respond, laugh etc.
Given your offer, I can't believe more people have not responded 😛.
My question is:
''What is the fundamnetal secret of everything?''
Answer completely and honestly.
Originally posted by StarValleyWyWhat do think is so different about yourself that you don't fit in ?
'Off the chest'. This is euphimism for confession. Though that is a distinctly christian concept, I am a product of it. I have a lot to say to RHP.
I made a statement to a RHP'er that I once belonged to a community at a Saloon that almost killed me. The reason it did was because I really don't like me, and I try to destroy myself at every opportu ...[text shortened]... I am tired of trying to pretend to 'fit in' with this community. I don't and can't.
Mike
Hi RC,
The truth is that I have no clue. Everything get's mixed up in the shuffle. If there is anything I have learned in my 56 years now... it is that what I think of as important... those precious nuggets of import... probably matters in the great scheme about as much as a gnat's "loose wind" in the forest.
A "few" important things are...
1 - Family
2 - Trying to be truthful, to family and self and then everyone else.
3 - Admitting failure and defeat. Recognizing success. (I still can't)
4 - Not gloating
Originally posted by Jay PeateaThat is the question. I hate being in any group or organization or community. I tend to argue with people with whom I agree. I usually end up in a shouting match for no reason other than making people hate me as much as I hate myself. I don't really think that my point of view matters. I gain nothing by "winning" an argument. I become despondent and beligerent. I withdraw for weeks at a time, swearing never to put people through that kind of BS again, but I always do. I am an alcololic and never state an opinion unless I'm drunk. That is the bare starter list.
What do think is so different about yourself that you don't fit in ?
You said you hate yourself. Here's my string:
What aspects of yourself do you dislike?
Why do you dislike them?
Have you tried to change them?
Do you feel that you can change them?
To be truthful with you my friend, this is all pointed at something. I believe in several basic things with people. First of all, the only person that can truly alter a person is themself. Secondly, true change doesn't occur untill we unearth the truth, totally devoid of prejudice and opinion. You can think my questions silly, but if you haven't ever asked them of yourself and answered honestly before, I strongly suggest you do. Further more, I simply must add that I enjoy your company at this site and hope that whatever demons you've got, you overcome them.
Originally posted by StarValleyWyAre you an alcoholic because you hate yourself, or do you hate yourself because you are an alcoholic ?
That is the question. I hate being in any group or organization or community. I tend to argue with people with whom I agree. I usually end up in a shouting match for no reason other than making people hate me as much as I hate myself. I don't really think that my point of view matters. I gain nothing by "winning" an argument. I become despondent and ...[text shortened]... . I am an alcololic and never state an opinion unless I'm drunk. That is the bare starter list.
Originally posted by Jay PeateaBecause of genetics. It is on both sides of the family. I am able to control it mostly.
Are you an alcoholic because you hate yourself, or do you hate yourself because you are an alcoholic ?
I don't like myself because my father was and is a certified ego maniac who destroyed us as children with physical abuse. We were not allowed an opinion... indeed we were not allowed to even speak in his presence, upon penalty of a family beating... starting with our mother and ending with the baby at the time.
I don't like myself because I had the bastard in the sights of a hunting rifle at the age of eleven and let him live. I hate myself because at age 16 I managed to beat the crap out of him and my family hated me for putting them in danger.
For this reason I both scoff at Michael Jackson and feel sorry for him at the same time. If he was abused sexually as I was abused physically/psychologically... Does he have any ability to change and be normal? I have spent a life time just trying to figure out what "normal" is. I can't do it yet.
Originally posted by Jay PeateaI am "Proud" to say that i do have a wife and two kids. I did not repeat the cycle. I don't know for sure to what extent I hindered their development. Joshua is married (to wonderfull Shamim) and is a chemist. Shamim is in the Law school at the U of U. Rebecca is divorced and has two wonderful kids. She and her family are living with us while finishing her (second) college degree to become a nurse.
Do you have a family ? & if so do you treat them like your father treated you ?
(Her first was in psychology. No good jobs there, without selling your soul as Becky puts it.)
I hit my children one time each... on the same day. I came home from working in California at the height of a recession here in Utah in 1988 and found my wife in tears because the kids were throwing billiard balls at each other. Two ruined doors and a hole in the basement wall. I rapped them on the head with a middle knuckle. I yelled. I screamed because thay had hurt their mother and made her cry. They never did it again. I hated myself more for hitting my kids.
They both tell me to this day that it was good for me to do. I don't believe them. It is never good.
What damage have I done to them without knowing? I have no clue. They see my struggle with depression and alcohol and neither drink or become depressed.
I hate bullies. I hate people who tolerate them and support them ipso facto. (See my rants against bbar and the freethingers who in my mind are supporting Sadaam) My kids hate bullies. Is this good or bad? They prolly love me too much.
They both seem to be "normal". They have lots of friends and go to parties and enjoy the people they work with. I hope I didn't mess them up. I started at an early age by telling them the truth about myself and my family... then having them talk with their mother about it. She is the most sane, well balanced person on the planet. But... after all is said and done... I'm crazy. How would I know if I had caused damage or not? That is the key. Assume the worst.
Originally posted by Jay PeateaThere are many levels of intelligence. The ability to communicate. The ability to do math. The ability of language. The ability of rational thought. The ability of seeing history as a starting point. The ability of Physical Looks. The ability of memory. The ability to think on the fly. The ability to proceed in the face of danger. The ability to know spin when it is presented. The ability to be a friend. The ability to know the enemy. The ability to not get the two entwined. The ability of speech. The ability of body control. The ability to influence through emotive inductance. The will to succeed. The will to forgive. The ability to forgive. The ability to remember and forget... and knowing which to apply in a billion cases.
Do you think that teenagers have enough intelligence to beable to solve the problem of an abusive parent ?
No. No child can know anything of import. It takes a lifetime to know. By then it is too late. That is what is sad about abuse.
Originally posted by StarValleyWySomeone once told me that "normal" is a cycle on the washing machine. Anyway, with the disease of alcoholism I'm not sure that "mostly" and "control" can go together. It is indeed a powerful disease that has never affected just one person. There are many on the site who are effected by this disease and I hope they will rally to support your recovery in whatever way they can. Kirk
Because of genetics. It is on both sides of the family. I am able to control it mostly.
I don't like myself because my father was and is a certified ego maniac who destroyed us as children with physical abuse. We were not allowed an opinion... indeed we were not allowed to even speak in his presence, upon penalty of a family beating... starting with ...[text shortened]... rmal? I have spent a life time just trying to figure out what "normal" is. I can't do it yet.
Originally posted by kirksey957Just to put it into scale. Alcohol is nothing as to the rape of the mind and self that abuse brings. My dad never drank a drop in his life. He preached that it was wrong and was always trying to get others into AA. I can't quite ever get along with those who put alcohol into the same category as abuse. Real abuse. Gun to the head abuse. They are not even in the same universe. No clue. Totally lost as to what matters to a kid. Or later to the warped adult that came from the kid.
Someone once told me that "normal" is a cycle on the washing machine. Anyway, with the disease of alcoholism I'm not sure that "mostly" and "control" can go together. It is indeed a powerful disease that has never affected just one person. There are many on the site who are effected by this disease and I hope they will rally to support your recovery in whatever way they can. Kirk
To finish the thought of the day... These things have bothered me and I want to clear them up.
I have on occasion made reference to what I pay to government and what I pay to charity.
2002 1040 Tax Return shows I made $39,455 all of which was from Profit Or Loss line on my software business... on which I paid $6490 federal tax and $3400 Utah state taxes. This included my "Self Employment" tax or the tax paid into social security. I am qualified to retire at this time drawing 622 dollars per month. If I wait to age sixty I will get 659 dollars per month. If i wait to age 70 I will make 1240 per month, and age 72 i will qualify for 1290 dollars per month.
2002 I donated the following. $7400 divided between various charities and causes. I apologize for saying I gave "much more" to charities than I gave to government. I did not.
I own a 2000 sq. ft. very modest rambler in Taylorsville UT , that we purchased in 1978 for $44,500 that is now valued at $150,000. I have zero debt and zero savings. My wife has a retirement plan worth a hundred fifty thousand dollars. I own a 1989 pickup truck and very little else. Never wanted anything... never needed anything. Have given away all my earnings. Neither of my kids ever had to take out a loan for college, and their total education to date totals $78,000.
Never been unemployed. Never worked for anyone besides myself.
Have never taken out a loan, except for the house. Never given a loan. If I give money... I give it.
Never had a credit card. Never will.<Edit... except to pay RHP online> Should have said "Never owed at the end of the month on any credit card".
Never had a hobbie. Never knew how to have fun, so what's the point. Never liked phony society. All the kissing and polite chatter makes me want to scream. I hide in corners at all public gatherings. What's to enjoy? People? Give me a break.
Have referred several times to airplanes. My friend John Bagley has all the money and airplanes. He lets me fly them on occasion, only because we went to school together and I talked him into taking flying lessons after I had learned. And I as the straight A student told him he, the straight D student would be a millionaire. He is. He took inspiration from the obvious fact that I recognized he was driven to succeed. Wow.
What else? Oh yea. Always wanted to be good at science. Never was. Still know enough to demand rigor and reproducibility. That is all science is.
What else? Oh yea. Always wanted to be religious. Spent hours praying to god on my knees as a teen ager that I would have an answer to all the bad stuff that was going on. Am now a devout atheist, if that gives you any clue.