An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out".
The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
2 irishman were walking down the streets in london
1 says "patty why you walkin funny"
The other 1 says "oh. ive got a handgrenade tyed to me old fella"
"Why u got a handgrenade tyed to your old fella?"
"So the next englishman who kicks me in the balls gets their foot blown off!"
3 people were in a room together
there was an american a russian and a blonde
the russian says " we were the first people in space"
the american says" well we were the first people on the moon"
the blonde says " well we are going to be the first people on the sun"
The american and the russian look at each other and say" but you'll shrivvle up and burn"
Then the blonde says "deerrrrrrrrrrrr. we're not that dumb."
"we'll go at night time"
a plane with 5 people in it was about to crash and there was only 4 parachutes
The 5 people were
A pope
a small boy
An irishman
John howard (prime minister of australia)
and george bush (President of america)
They tried to work out who was the most important
John howard says "i own australia"
So he jumps off with the 1st parachute
George bush says "I own america"
So he jumps of
then the irishman says "Well im the smartest man in the world"
he jumps off
The pope says to the small boy "you take the last parachute. i have already lived a healthy life."
Then the small boy says" don't worrry........"
"..........the smartest man in the world jumped off with my lunch bag
this couple were taking thier kid to the zoo.
they saw the lions, the tigers, the bears. but when they got to the monkeys, the monkeys were having sex.
"what are those monkeys doing daddy?" the kid asked
"eh...eh.....they're making cakes"
"making cakes?"
"making cakes"
so after the zoo, they went to macdonalds and had thier lunch, then they went to the train station to go home. outside the train station there were two dogs having sex
"daddy, what are those two dogs doing?"
"eh...eh...eh, they're making cakes"
"making cakes?"
"making cakes"
"ok daddy"
when they got home, they kid was so tired he went to bed early, but got up early aswell.
his father heard a nocking on the bedroom door
"daddy! daddy!"
"what is it, do you know what time it is!"
"daddy, daddy, were you and mummy making cakes tonight?"
"eh.......yes, why"
"i just licked the icing of the carpet"
🙂
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotchman walk into a bar. They each sit at the bar and order a beer.
Before any of them can take a drink, three flies wander into the bar. A fly lands in each beer.
The Englishman curses and pushes his beer away.
The Scotchman makes a sour face, flicks the fly out of his beer, and starts sipping at it.
The Irishman grabs the fly in his beer by the neck, shakes it violently, and starts screaming, "Spit it out, you bastard, spit it out!!!!"
Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: you Got Male
