Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk. Try it later.
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk.
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk.
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance,
I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of builders.
It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people,
and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot..
One day a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door,
and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks,
and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope,
containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother,
who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink,
listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site,
and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this," said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked all last week with the men building a big house."
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier,
"Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"
The little girl thought for a moment and replied,
"I think so, provided those w *nkers at Jewsons deliver the f *cking bricks!".
Cold Winter
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone like d to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, --- thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ..(this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
.......... and finally............
10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A husband and wife are travelling by car from
Key West to Boston.After almost twenty-four
hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at
a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan
to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk
clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why
the charge is so high.He tells the clerk although
it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.00.
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard
rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and
then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized
pool and a huge conference centrer that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have,"
explains the Manager.He goes on to explain
they could have taken in one of the shows for
which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers
from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows",
complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the
Manager replies. No matter what amenity the
Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't
use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man
gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the
cheque. "But sir," he says, this is only made
out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00
for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here
and you could have!"
Originally posted by heldenhow do you do it? busiest player on the site yet you still have time to come post in the forums, man thats dedication.
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk. Try it later.
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk.
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
some nice jokes there too lol 😵
Originally posted by MCA288960 moves from 16-july-04 until now, that works out at roughly 480 moves a day around 12 games a day.
how do you do it? busiest player on the site yet you still have time to come post in the forums, man thats dedication.
some nice jokes there too lol 😵
How does s/he manage to play that much chess?
🙄🙄🙄🙄