Its got to be the Life of Brian with the Holy Grail a close second
My two favourite scenes
EX-LEPER:
All right, sir. My final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper.
BRIAN:
Did you say... 'ex-leper'?
EX-LEPER:
That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.
BRIAN:
Well, what happened?
EX-LEPER:
I was cured, sir.
BRIAN:
Cured?
EX-LEPER:
Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.
BRIAN:
Who cured you?
EX-LEPER:
Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder.
BRIAN:
Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
EX-LEPER:
Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--
MANDY:
Brian! Come and clean your room out.
BRIAN:
There you are.
EX-LEPER:
Thank you, sir. Thanks-- Half a denary for me bloody life story?
BRIAN:
There's no pleasing some people.
EX-LEPER:
That's just what Jesus said, sir.
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MANDY:
Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... or did I dream it? So, you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?
WISE MAN #2:
Hmm?
MANDY:
What star sign is he?
WISE MAN #2:
Uh, Capricorn.
MANDY:
Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
WISE MAN #2:
Ooh, but... he is the son of God, our Messiah.
WISE MAN #1:
King of the Jews.
MANDY:
And that's Capricorn, is it?
Okay, one of the best quotes from The Meaning of Life, spoken by none other than the Grim Reaper, hehe:
"Shut up, you American. You Americans, all you do is talk, and talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say." Well, you're dead now, so shut up!"
LOL! God, reading it just makes it all the funnier, hehehe.
-Kev
"i'm brian and so's my wife!"
"don't say "it"! i just said it! it just said it again! i just said it again! arrgh!"
"how to defend yourself with...a banana!"
Hungarian: (reading from book with heavy accent) Pleease foondle my buttocks.
Random: Ah yes, it's past the post office, 200 yards down, and then left at the light. (He indicates)
Voice Over: In this picture there are forty-seven people. None of them can be seen. In this film we hope to show you how not to be seen.
This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE14. He cannot be seen. Now, I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw, will you stand up please?
(In the distance Mr Bradshaw stands up. There is a loud gunshot as Mr Bradshaw is shot in the stomach. He crumples to the ground.)
This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
(Cut to another location - more shrubs and trees.)
In this picture we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Crescent, Belmont. Mrs. Smegma, will you stand up please?
(To the left of the area Mrs Smegma stands up. A gunshot rings out, and Mrs. Smegma leaps into the air and falls to the ground dead. Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle.)
This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbitt would you stand up please?
(longish pause)
Mr Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen. Not to stand up. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
(The bush explodes. Cut to another scene with three bushes.)
Voice Over: Mr. E.W. Lambert of Homeleigh, The Burrows, Oswestly, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind. But we can soon find out.
(The left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, and then the middle bush explodes. There is a muffled scream as Mr. Lambert is blown to bits.)
Yes, it was the middle one.
(Cut to a panning shot across a river in the woods.)
Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Hull chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks' holiday. However, a neighbor told us where there were.
(The camera pans around and stops on a obvious looking tent, which blows up. Cut to a house with a gumby standing out front.)
And here is the neighbor who told us where they were...
*man blows up*
And here is where he lived ...
*shack blows up*
And this is where he was born... etc etc
does "and now for something completly different" count...?
One of my favourite Monty Python moments is John Cleese as the enchanter in the Holy Grail.
Here's the script for that part {with comments from me in funny brackets}:
ARTHUR: Knights! Forward!
[boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]{John Cleese is shooting fire at random spots around the location, for no particular reason)
ARTHUR: What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
TIM: I... am an enchanter.
ARTHUR: By what name are you known?
TIM: There are some who call me... Tim?
ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
TIM: Greetings, King Arthur!
ARTHUR: You know my name?
TIM: I do.
[zoosh] {John Cleese uses his staff as a flame thrower}
You seek the Holy Grail!
ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
TIM: Quite.
[pweeng boom] {John Cleese takes his staff and aims it at a narrow tree on the hill, hitting it with a fire ball}
[clap clap clap] {the knights are impressed}
ARTHUR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
ARTHUR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are.
BEDEVERE: We have been for some time.
ROBIN: Ages.
ARTHUR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very... helpful...
GALAHAD: Look, can you tell us wh-
[boom] {John Cleese is lord}
ARTHUR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh--
TIM: A what...?
ARTHUR: A g--, a g--
TIM: A Grail?! {seriously Scottish accent from John Cleese, slighty high pitched}
ARTHUR: Yes, I think so.
KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.
TIM: Yes!
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
[boom pweeng boom boom] {I love John Cleese}
ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh--
TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.
TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Caerbannog {SERIOUSLY SCOTTISH ACCENT} --
wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the
last words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last
resting place of the most Holy Grail. {John is spitting like crazy as he's talking, you can see the spit fly every few words}
ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
TIM: Follow! {John turns around and starts walking, the knights follow, but he immediately turns around and says} But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth. {my favourite comedy moment of all time, after blowing random stuff up like a powerful enchanter, at the end of his speech John Cleese impersonates the foul creature and pulls a funny "scary" face and makes bunny teeth with his fingers}
ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance.
ARTHUR: O, Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR: What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.
RANDOM: Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say
Ekke ekke ekke ptang zoo boing!
RANDOM: Ni!
The life of Brian...
Reg at the crusifixion:
"Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time."
And just after standing naked in the window:
Brian: Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say.
The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
Man in crowd: I'm not...
The Crowd: Sch!
Surely things can't be any more classic than these!
Since no-one has posted it yet, my favourite of all the songs:
Arthur:Camelot!
Servant: It's only a model...
Cue singing....
We're Knights of the Round Table,
We dance when ere we're able,
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot,
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
We're Knights of the Round Table,
Our shows are formidable, But many times, we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're Opera mad in Camelot,
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
cue instrumental featuring, pots, pans, baskets and grunts form abused servants
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable,
Between our quests we sequin vests,
And impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot,
I have to push the pram a lot.
Arthur: On second thoughts, lets not go to Camelot, it is a silly place.
Life of Brian and the Holy Grail carry on.
Bring out you dead. Bring out you dead. Here. I'm not dead. He's not dead. Well he will be in a minute - Classic.
Stoning that Jew, where woman are not allowed and the whole crowd is made up from woman with fake beards on - Classic.
Ps. Haway lads. Cardiff. Sunday. 3-0. Come on the toon.