First few sentences below. Comments?
It was a dark, rainy night. Outside the house - which had recently been valued at £150,000 - a red Ferrari pulled up. Obviously no one could tell it was red, because it was dark. But it was.
A man got out. He was exceptionally funny and far more attractive than most girls gave him credit for. He took out his cigarettes and lit one, even though he was suffering from mild flu and NOT JUST A HEAVY COLD, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. He knocked on the door...
Originally posted by dottewellUmmm... Don't give up your daytime job. 😕
First few sentences below. Comments?
It was a dark, rainy night. Outside the house - which had recently been valued at £150,000 - a red Ferrari pulled up. Obviously no one could tell it was red, because it was dark. But it was.
A man got out. He was exceptionally funny and far more attractive than most girls gave him credit for. He took out his cig ...[text shortened]... uffering from mild flu and NOT JUST A HEAVY COLD, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. He knocked on the door...
Originally posted by dottewellWhat happened when your next door neighbor answered the door?
First few sentences below. Comments?
It was a dark, rainy night. Outside the house - which had recently been valued at £150,000 - a red Ferrari pulled up. Obviously no one could tell it was red, because it was dark. But it was.
A man got out. He was exceptionally funny and far more attractive than most girls gave him credit for. He took out his cig ...[text shortened]... uffering from mild flu and NOT JUST A HEAVY COLD, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. He knocked on the door...
Originally posted by dottewellimpressive. I like way the dark side takes over, and the leading character evolves from mild mannered humorist into a husband-beating sexoholic. it's almost like 'harry' in hubert selby's 'the demon'.
[continues...]
...and had sex with the woman inside before beating up her husband.
there could be a car chase and some drugs too. and a bad tempered lieutenant with an ulcer.
It's hard to get a serious answer, isn't it. But here's one...
Your writing could use more "action verbs." Instead of "It was a dark and rainy night." Perhaps, "Rain filled the night making it darker still." Or something like that. The verb "filled" is more descriptive and therefore more powerful that the verb "was." The way I hear it is a writer should describe the scene and action rather than tell a story.
Originally posted by dottewellA little editing job for you...
[continues...]
...and had sex with the woman inside before beating up her husband.
...and the man had sex with the woman while beating up her husband. Wiping himself on her curtains, he split her head open with an axe. With a grimace, he wiped the blood from his face and trudged down the hall, searching for the kids.
Originally posted by tsvhAnd seriously, I don't think you should tell the readers that the man is funny when he steps out of a car. Let his opening dialogue show them his sense of humor.
It's hard to get a serious answer, isn't it. But here's one...
Your writing could use more "action verbs." Instead of "It was a dark and rainy night." Perhaps, "Rain filled the night making it darker still." Or something like that. The verb "filled" is more descriptive and therefore more powerful that the verb "was." The way I hear it is a writer should describe the scene and action rather than tell a story.
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Originally posted by dottewellDottie, are you looking to us to continue with the story, looking for honest feedback, or is this some kind of unfunny joke?
First few sentences below. Comments?
It was a dark, rainy night. Outside the house - which had recently been valued at £150,000 - a red Ferrari pulled up. Obviously no one could tell it was red, because it was dark. But it was.
A man got out. He was exceptionally funny and far more attractive than most girls gave him credit for. He took out his cig ...[text shortened]... uffering from mild flu and NOT JUST A HEAVY COLD, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. He knocked on the door...
"It was a dark, rainy night" is a bad opener. Throw the rain detail in, as he's trying to light is cigarette.