it starts like this
The boy climbed up the cold metal steps that led out of the pool. He made his way over to the sunbed that his towel lay on. He picked up his towel and dried ofhis body and his hair. Wrapping his towel around himself the boy made his way towards the hotel lobby. He was on holiday with his parents in Bulgaria and he was loving it. He went to the reception desk and asked for the key to room 807 and went towards the lift. Whistling to himself he slowly pressed the elevator call button and waited. The lift came and the doors opened. He got in the lift and pressed the level 8 button. Adjusting his hair in the mirrors on the side of the lift the boy started to think about what he would do tomorrow. The lift stopped and the doors opened the boy walked out the lift and walked up to the door of his room. He opened the doorand walked into a pitch black room. He closed the door behind him. And just as he turned round to turn on a light he felt a sharp stabbing pain in his stomach and he realised that he was being stabbed by a knife. He fell to the floor and was struck on his head by a chair and then he slowly but surely died....
tha is just the prolouge but what do you think?
Originally posted by TomEdwardsnice 😛
it starts like this
The boy climbed up the cold metal steps that led out of the pool. He made his way over to the sunbed that his towel lay on. He picked up his towel and dried ofhis body and his hair. Wrapping his towel around himself the boy made his way towards the hotel lobby. He was on holiday with his parents in Bulgaria and he was loving it. He ...[text shortened]... chair and then he slowly but surely died....
tha is just the prolouge but what do you think?
lol I'm bored out of my mind... would you like me to re-post it without the mistakes?
😉
Originally posted by TomEdwardsI think you should post your home address so I can come by and garrotte you.
it starts like this
The boy climbed up the cold metal steps that led out of the pool. He made his way over to the sunbed that his towel lay on. He picked up his towel and dried ofhis body and his hair. Wrapping his towel around himsel ...[text shortened]... surely died....
tha is just the prolouge but what do you think?
Originally posted by TomEdwardsCould be the start of a murder mystery 😲
it starts like this
The boy climbed up the cold metal steps that led out of the pool. He made his way over to the sunbed that his towel lay on. He picked up his towel and dried ofhis body and his hair. Wrapping his towel around himself the boy made his way towards the hotel lobby. He was on holiday with his parents in Bulgaria and he was loving it. He ...[text shortened]... chair and then he slowly but surely died....
tha is just the prolouge but what do you think?
What have you got against commas? They not good enough to go in your story or something?
Originally posted by TomEdwardsDo you write songs too? I like a good dirge.
it starts like this
The boy climbed up the cold metal steps that led out of the pool. He made his way over to the sunbed that his towel lay on. He picked up his towel and dried ofhis body and his hair. Wrapping his towel around himself the boy made his way towards the hotel lobby. He was on holiday with his parents in Bulgaria and he was loving it. He ...[text shortened]... chair and then he slowly but surely died....
tha is just the prolouge but what do you think?
Originally posted by Freddie2004... oh yes and one more little thing. Try to learn how to write in English.
tips: Don't start almost every sentace with "He". Give his a name or change the sentace structure...but do something to make it more interesting. I think you are imitating successful authors too much. In your story you don't need to mention every tiny little detail, it just doesn't work.
And here for the bowmann-esque people out there... minor style and comma changes 😛
The boy climbed up the cold metal steps that led out of the pool. He made his way over to the sunbed on which his towel lay. He picked up his towel and dried off his body and his hair. Wrapping his towel around himself, the boy made his way towards the hotel lobby. He was on holiday with his parents in Bulgaria and he was loving it. He went to the reception desk and asked for the key to room 807 and went towards the lift. Whistling to himself, he slowly pressed the elevator call button and waited. The lift came and the doors opened. He got in the lift and pressed the level 8 button. Adjusting his hair in the mirrors on the side of the lift, the boy started to think about what he would do tomorrow. The lift stopped and the doors opened. The boy walked out of the lift and walked up to the door of his room. He opened the door and walked into the room, which was pich black. He closed the door behind him. Just as he turned round to turn on a light, he felt a sharp stabbing pain in his stomach and realised that he was being stabbed by a knife. He fell to the floor and was struck on the head by a chair before he slowly but surely died....
Edit: Stop picking on him! The style was (admittedly) terrible, but I like the story 😛