Originally posted by angie88Yeah, it's no fun when everyone else picks on him at the same time!
And here for the bowmann-esque people out there... minor style and comma changes 😛
The boy climbed up the cold metal steps that led out of the pool. He made his way over to the sunbed on which his towel lay. He picked up his towel and dried off his body and his hair. Wrapping his towel around himself, the boy made his way towards the hotel lobby. He was ...[text shortened]... d....
Edit: Stop picking on him! The style was (admittedly) terrible, but I like the story 😛
Personally, I would have styled it more like this so there's less word repetition andover-obvious descriptions.
The boy climbed up the cold, metal steps that led out of the pool and made his way over to the sunbed. Picking his towel up, he dried off his body and hair before wrapping it around himself and walking towards the hotel lobby. He was on holiday with his parents in Bulgaria and he was loving it. At the reception desk, he asked for the key to room 807 and headed for the lift. Whistling to himself, he pressed the elevator call button and waited. The lift came and the doors opened. He got inside and pushed the level 8 button. Adjusting his hair in the mirrors on the side of the lift, the boy started to think about what he would do tomorrow. The lift stopped, the doors opened and the boy walked out towards his room. He opened the door and entered; it was pitch black. He closed the door behind him and turned to switch on a light. He felt a sharp stabbing pain in his stomach and then realised that it was a knife. He fell to the floor and was struck on the head by a chair before he slowly but surely died....
Originally posted by angie88serious style changes...
And here for the bowmann-esque people out there... minor style and comma changes 😛
The boy climbed up the cold metal steps that led out of the pool. He made his way over to the sunbed on which his towel lay. He picked up his towel and dried off his body and his hair. Wrapping his towel around himself, the boy made his way towards the hotel lobby. He was ...[text shortened]... d....
Edit: Stop picking on him! The style was (admittedly) terrible, but I like the story 😛
died....
Originally posted by TomEdwardsIt sure aint Shakespeare
it starts like this
The boy climbed up the cold metal steps that led out of the pool. He made his way over to the sunbed that his towel lay on. He picked up his towel and dried ofhis body and his hair. Wrapping his towel around himself the boy made his way towards the hotel lobby. He was on holiday with his parents in Bulgaria and he was loving it. He ...[text shortened]... chair and then he slowly but surely died....
tha is just the prolouge but what do you think?
Originally posted by Daemon Sinwell yeah, but then you should make the sentences longer, now it's less repetitive, but it's kinda irritating to read (well at least for me it is... on the other hand, I will write sentences that run on for more than half a page in a written English exam just to piss off my teacher 😀)
Yeah, it's no fun when everyone else picks on him at the same time!
Personally, I would have styled it more like this so there's less word repetition andover-obvious descriptions.
The boy climbed up the cold, metal steps that led out of the pool and made his way over to the sunbed. Picking his towel up, he dried off his body and hair before wrappi ...[text shortened]... He fell to the floor and was struck on the head by a chair before he slowly but surely died....
1 edit
Originally posted by TomEdwardsWas it his mom was it his mom????
it starts like this
The boy climbed up the cold metal steps that led out of the pool. He made his way over to the sunbed that his towel lay on. He picked up his towel and dried ofhis body and his hair. Wrapping his towel around himsel ...[text shortened]... surely died....
tha is just the prolouge but what do you think?
1 edit
Originally posted by Daemon SinI would have phrased it thusly:
Yeah, it's no fun when everyone else picks on him at the same time!
Personally, I would have styled it more like this so there's less word repetition andover-obvious descriptions.
The boy climbed up the cold, metal steps that led ...[text shortened]... struck on the head by a chair before he slowly but surely died....
The boy grew ever weary of the hackneyed, cliche-ridden narration that constituted his inner monologue. The water from the pool had invigorated him, he knew what he had to do. Wet footprints were the only indication of the boy's route. He knew where he was going ... he was going to sort out that retarded bastard once and for all.
He got into the lift and stabbed at the button which would bring him closer to his prey and deliver him from his curse of only being able to have one-dimensional thoughts. The boy walked down a dank, urine soaked corridor and stopped outside one of the rooms. A curious smile crept upon his face: showtime, he thought.
With that his face became suddenly animated and he kicked in the door which offered scant resistance because it was half-eated away by parasites. TomEdwards didn't flinch. Sporting a pair of brown, stained, Y-fronts he continued to stir his gin and tonic, although there was hardly any tonic and the gin had been replaced by Brut aftershave. He slowly raised his head to regard his visitor.
"Is that a gun down your trunks or are you just pleased to see me young man?"
"It's a gun, a-hole" and the boy reached deep into his trunks to reveal his Smith and Wesson, "..and I am going to put an end to this misery. No more trite observations, no more word repitition, no more bad spellings for god sake."
"Who the hell are you?" enquired Tom, beginning to appreciate the seriousness of the situation.
"I am the boy ... you ... " the boy recoiled in disgust, "... created, I use the word loosely since you didn't so much create me as shat me out, but no more..." the boy raised the gun.
"No, no. You don't exist, you're dead. I made you so one-dimensional that there is no way you could possibly do anything imaginative or anything that would interest me in anyway."
The boy cocked the hammer.
"For god sake don't do it, I beg you, I will make you more three-dimensional I swear it" pleaded Tom.
"Too late for that, much too late"
The last sensation Tom Edwards felt was a heavy, dull, thud.
He slumped to the ground, he didn't even hear the gun go off.
Originally posted by demonseedBut but I thought it was a knife....
I would have phrased it thusly:
The boy grew ever weary of the hackneyed, cliche-ridden narration that constituted his inner monologue. The water from the pool had invigorated him, he knew what he had to do. Wet footprints were the only indication of the boy's route. He knew where he was going ... he was going to sort out that retarded bastard once and ...[text shortened]... t was a heavy, dull, thud.
He slumped to the ground, he didn't even hear the gun go off.
President Bush was waiting in the corridor for the guy coming in
from the pool, drying himself off as he came up to the elevator.
"STANG" I've got you now, the president howled and made a chopping
karate move with the knife, accidently stabbing himself in the arm.
Crying with pain, he slipped on the wet floor and the knife flew through
the air and hit Stang dead on through the sternum and the world never
found out, the suits came and quickly disposed of the body, a medic
attended to the presidents wounds and one of the suits says,
Good work, sir.
Originally posted by sonhouse..and that wasn't the end of it..
President Bush was waiting in the corridor for the guy coming in
from the pool, drying himself off as he came up to the elevator.
"STANG" I've got you now, the president howled and made a chopping
karate move with the knife, accidently stabbing himself in the arm.
Crying with pain, he slipped on the wet floor and the knife flew through
the air and h ...[text shortened]... the body, a medic
attended to the presidents wounds and one of the suits says,
Good work, sir.
The knife kept its steady flight across the room... tearing through the fragile humid air, blood soaked furniture, the pig and his loyal dogs.. It ripped through this thread and made its way to an unconspicuous Forum. Killing every thread, every sentence and every non-subscriber..
Then it suddenly stopped.. floating in mid air like a Daggercraft.. looking for the long forgotten thread.. then it shattered to a million pieces when it realised that the 'Word association game' thread has survived, hidden, tucked away and untouched.. on page 2..
Originally posted by TomEdwardsAhem ...
it starts like this
The boy climbed up the cold metal steps that led out of the pool. He made his way over to the sunbed that his towel lay on. He picked up his towel and dried ofhis body and his hair. Wrapping his towel around himself the boy made his way towards the hotel lobby. He was on holiday with his parents in Bulgaria and he was loving it. He ...[text shortened]... chair and then he slowly but surely died....
tha is just the prolouge but what do you think?
The ellipsis is perfomed as above.
A space; then three dots.
Carry on.