The CIA needs your help

After invading Iraq to save us from weapons of mass destruction, the CIA has yet to find anything at all. Those crafty Arabs have hidden it all!

After using satellites, spy planes, electronic intercepts, paid informers and nine months of searching by thousands of troops with unfettered acess, the end result is the same as found by these useless ineffectual UN inspectors - not a noxious bean.

This is where all patriots can help. The CIA have put up a site on the web with a secure on line form when you can report chemical, biological and nuclear weapons! Check under your bed because there is a big reward. Blair and Bush said they were there and, by golly, they must be still around somewhere.

http://www.cia.gov/cia/english_rewards.htm

The CIA's 14 most important reasons why Saddam Hussein was a grave threat to the United States:

1) Had purchased uranium from Africa.

2) Had stockpiled and was building biochemical weapons.

3) Had an active nuclear weapons program.

4) Had links with al-Qaida and Osama bin Laden.

5) Had missiles that were capable of reaching the United States.

6) Was paying relief to the families Palestinian suicide bombers with American food stamps.

7) Had purchased aluminum tubes from Africa to be used as exploding kazoos.

8) Was seen with Elvis at a D.C. McDonald's selling painkillers to Rush Limbaugh.

9) Had signed a contract to be in a future "Survivor" series.

10) Was offered a job as a prime-time conservative talk show host.

11) Was secretly dating Martha Stewart.

12) Was going to be the cover model for "Disheveled" magazine.

13) Was going to have the veil and lock-on-bra concessions at
Janet Jackson concerts.

14) Had planned to spray our crops with a Viagra-based chemical that would cause immense hardships.

These are indisputable facts. Why would anyone want to distort the truth? 😉😀

Originally posted by steerpike
After invading Iraq to save us from weapons of mass destruction, the CIA has yet to find anything at all. Those crafty Arabs have hidden it all!

After using satellites, spy planes, electronic intercepts, paid informers and nine months of searching by thousands of troops with unfettered acess, the end result is the same as found by these useless ineffec ...[text shortened]... , by golly, they must be still around somewhere.

http://www.cia.gov/cia/english_rewards.htm

Originally posted by slimjim
What are you a Saddam fan? Just be glad New Zealand doesn't have any oil.

Steerpike and Omnilash: Holy crap, you guys crack me up! ............... Yet, at the same time, this is really very terrifying and surreal. Stranger than fiction really. When faced with these facts, what's the best the Bush administration can come up with? Essentially, it is this: "Well, it appears there is a chance we may never find WMD. ...... Can we get some more time on this?.... No? Are you sure? ...... Okay, alright. So, okay then. .... We're really going to look into it all now. We'll really dig into everything. We'll fiigure out what we didn't know that we should've known, and what we said we knew that we didn't know, and about what we should know now but don't know because of what we didn't know in the beginning. Or know now. Or will ever know in the future. Yeah, that's a possibility too. So, basically we're flying blind here folks. What can we do? You just gotta set back and relax. Let us handle it, you're in good hands. We're the professionals. We'll get right to the heart of the matter. 'Cuz what we're interested in is the truth. We like the truth, we support truth. Truth's a good thing. .........What's that? When? Uh, well, let's see. ........... Let's say, right after the election. Right about then should do just fine. But let me say this, let me be clear: Even if WMD are never found in Iraq (leaving the possibility open that there may just be some smidgeon of evidence that might be dredged up against some sneaky coniving Arab), we were absolutely justified in going to war with Iraq. Huh? What's that? Why? ....... Well, I mean, we were justified, we were just justified. Take my word for it, we were well justified. Got justice on our side. Absolutely. You gotta believe. Can we leave it at that now? That's all I have to say. We'll look into it. After the election. We firmly believe that Truth and Justice are the American way. That's our motto. Thank you, and God bless." Unless I'm missing something here, that about sums up the defensive posturing of the once high and mighty warmongers. That's about the stage we're at now I reckon'.

I've been pulling for Kerry, but it looks like he's got some trouble brewing on the horizon. Here are some interesting facts about Mass. Senator John Kerry I recently learned (Like twenty minutes ago.): He's on his second marriage to the "ketchup heiress," Teresa Heinz Kerry. He married a ketchup heiress! I wonder what it's like to fall for a ketchup heiress? Anyway, the heiress is the widow of Pennsylvania Senator John Heinz. I fear ketchup money is taking over our country, little by little! Oh, and between his marriages, he went with Morgan Fairchild and other starlets. That is one lucky guy! I'll never go with a bona fide starlet in my whole life! But he gets starlets, as in more than one other starlet? That's at least THREE! It's just not fair. What does that say about the democrats and the liberals of America? I believe it says this: "We really like to do it, and we like to do it a lot!" That's it. I'm a liberal, and I like to do it a lot too. It goes to serve the point. (Of course by "do it" I mean run for president. We like to run for president. Let there be no misunderstanding here. I mean, I haven't actually run for president, but I would like to if I were doing already. I mean, I might be enjoying it if I was to be doing it. Maybe. I don't know, I haven't really put that much thought into it.)

Oh, and the ketchup heiress had this to say to Elle magazine concerning her first husband, The Ketchup King: "She warned her first husband on the subject of adultery: 'If you ever get something, I'll maim you. I won't kill you. I'll maim you.'" Ponder that for a moment if you will my friends.............. Has your wife or significant other ever told you that if you "ever bring something home", she will "maim you"? Yes, that's right. She'll maim you. It will be a good maiming for you my friend! She won't kill you. Oh no! That, my friend, would be too good for a bastard like you! She'll really maim you extremely. Now, I mean, really consider that for a minute............. Now imagine this: Would you marry a woman that you already knew had said these kinds of things to her first husband, the Ketchup Czar, and to all the world? You know, about the maiming and all that? About the maiming of Senator Ketchup King Supreme, the esteemable John Heinz? I'll have to mull that one over for ahile. I'd have to sleep on it I think. I'd really have to put on the old thinking cap. You don't want to just rush into something like that. You really gotta let it stew, let it simmer in the old noggin' for awhile before you can answer a question like that.

But, Kerry is the lesser of two evils, regardless. And, we have some things in common. Not the starlets. I guess we've already been over that. Anyway, go Kerry go.

SteerFu**er? Come on now. That there's not nice, not nice at all. How can you get so mad at a person just because he thinks a country needs good reason to bomb another country into oblivion and then occuppy it with more than a tenth of a million soldiers?

This reminds me of a joke on SNL: Many American restaurants are now referring to their french fries as "freedom fries." In response, the French are now calling their American cheese "Idiot cheese."

Take that as you will. 😵

Originally posted by Bookworm
SteerFu**er? Come on now. That there's not nice, not nice at all. How can you get so mad at a person just because he thinks a country needs good reason to bomb another country into oblivion and then occuppy it with more than a tenth of a million soldiers?

This reminds me of a joke on SNL: Many American restaurants are now referring to their french ...[text shortened]... the French are now calling their American cheese "Idiot cheese."

Take that as you will. 😵

Originally posted by slimjim
What are you a Saddam fan? Just be glad New Zealand doesn't have any oil.

Originally posted by steerpike
Slim, I am shocked at you. Are you implying the invasion of Iraq had anything to do with oil?

I have always wanted to get the real scoop. I wonder what could have been SO BAD in OLD ZEALAND that made this bunch of chickens colonize a world and form a MOTHERHOOD OF CHICKENS?

<edit> sorry slimjim. was after our renowned convict with not much to show but attitude. I meant to reply the the SteerFu**er....

[/b]

Originally posted by steerpike
Slim, I am shocked at you. Are you implying the invasion of Iraq had anything to do with oil?

I would like to be the first to say that I am in no way offended by SVW's filthy potty mouth. True, I think it should be slapped and washed out with soap. But I am in no way offended.

Seriously SVW, I hope things start looking up for you. This can't be good for you man.

I just had an idea: Everytime you feel in yourself some desire to write caustic, filth-smeared and mean spirited responses, think to yourself, &quot;Potty mouth, potty mouth, nobody likes a potty mouth!! Potty mouth, potty mouth, nobody likes a potty mouth!&quot; Then count to ten. Pat yourself on the head, rub your tummy and begin again. Next time you feel it coming on, repeat the mantra, count to ten, pat your head and rub your tummy. Repeat. Just keep repeating it.....&quot;Potty mouth, potty mouth, nobody likes a potty mouth!&quot; It may feel embarassing at first, but it might save you from having to apologize sometime here in the near future. Well, it might shorten your apology list anyways. What's done is done I'm afraid.

Good day to you sir.

Originally posted by StarValleyWy
Because I wanted to? Because it felt good? Because it is reasonable? Because I don't care right now?

Take your pick, dickhead! Which? I don't give a funny crap. Just because I can, I guess. Have an absolutely horrible day. Same as mine.

Originally posted by Bookworm
Can a crap really be funny? I can't envision it.

I haven't been called that in a pretty long time. It kinda made me chuckle! 🙄