A classic Monty Python sketch.
A customer enters a pet shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: <pause> I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this walrus what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Brown...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead walrus when I see one, and I'm looking
at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable sea mammal, the Norwegian
Brown, idn'it, ay? Beautiful blubber!
C: The blubber don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Wiggle Walrus! I've got a lovely fresh kipper for you if
you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO Walrus!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes walrus out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Browns
stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That walrus is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
tired and shagged out following a prolonged arf.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the icebergs.
C: PININ' for the ICEBERGS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why
did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Brown prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable sea mammal, id'nit,
squire? Lovely blubber!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that walrus when I got it home,
and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its iceberg in
the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that sea mammal down,
it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its tusks, and
FLOP! Feeweeweewee!
C: "FLOP"?!? Mate, this sea mammal wouldn't "flop" if you put four million volts
through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This walrus is no more! He has ceased
to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft
of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be
pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off
the iceberg! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-WALRUS!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're
right out of walri.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: <pause> I got a slug.
(pause)
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it flop?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?