Teacher says "Now children. Today we will play a history game. I shall give you a famous quote and you have to tell me who said it , where and when." She continued, "Now children, who said 'We have peace in our time' ?"
A little japanese kid at the front comes puts his hand up,
"Oh! Me miff me miff, I know diff one. It wa Neviwwe Chamberwin, Munich, 1938."
"Very good. And how long have you been in our country?"
"Oh! two week miff, two week."
"That's excellent!" she said.
Just then a voice came out from the back : "Fkn Japanese bstd."
"Who said that?" she asked to no reply.
"We shall continue" she said, "Who said 'We shall fight them on the landing stages we shall fight them on the shores' ?"
Another japanese kid sitting at the front raised his hand "Oh me miff , me miff, I know diff one."
"Yes who?" she said.
"That wa Winson Churchwill, London, 1939."
"Very very good" she said, "and how long have you been in the country?"
"Oh one week miff, one week."
"That really is remarkable!" she added.
Just then the voice comes out from the back again : "Japanese fkrs. Fkn japanese bstds. Fkn fkn japanese bstds!"
"Who said that" she said, "I demand to know who said that!"
Back came the voice from the back - "Roosevelt, Pearl Harbour, 1941!"
Originally posted by mikelomA teacher tells her kids to make a sentence using the word "fascinate".
Teacher says "Now children. Today we will play a history game. I shall give you a famous quote and you have to tell me who said it , where and when." She continued, "Now children, who said 'We have peace in our time' ?"
A little japanese kid at the front comes puts his hand up,
"Oh! Me miff me miff, I know diff one. It wa Neviwwe Chamberwin, Munich, ...[text shortened]... o know who said that!"
Back came the voice from the back - "Roosevelt, Pearl Harbour, 1941!"
Suzy says , "We went to the zoo and saw many fascinating animals ."
The teacher says ,"No Suzy . I want the word "fascinate" , not "fascinating"."
Billy says , "I was fascinated by a TV show about earthquakes."
The teacher says , No Billy , that's wrong ! I want the word "fascinate", not "fascinated"."
Dirty Arnie raises his hand and says , "I've got one ! My babysitter got a blouse with 12 buttons , but her t1ts are so big she could only fasten eight !"
Bloke at the doctors waiting. Bloke next to him has a stutter and turns to him and says "Wa wa. Wa wa wa. Wa What r u ere for?"
He replies " I've got cyctitis."
"Yo yo yo. Yo yo you've got wa wa aw aw wa wawhat?"
"Keep it down," he says, "I've got cystitis."
"Wa w wa wa wawaht you say sa sa sy ys sys systi ti ti ti tis ?"
"Yes I've got cystitis now would you be quiet?"
"Wa w w aw aw wa wa w wahats sa sa sys yss stcyst it ti ti tis?" he asks.
He says " I fkn piss how you talk now fk off!"
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that
they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up."
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."
Originally posted by mokkoA guy and his buddy are working out together at the gym . Done with the workout they shower , dry off , and go to their lockers to get dressed . The conversation stops as the buddy watches his friend dressing , as he puts on garter belt , silk stockings , and a lacey bra . He asks "When the hell did you start wearing women's underwear ?"
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I will swi ...[text shortened]... ilk pajamas like I asked you to do?
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."
His friend says , "The same day my wife found them in glove box in the car ."
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks: "Why the long face"
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, but a moment later, unable to restrain his curiosity asks "Sir, are you aware you have a steering wheel in your pants". The pirate replies "Arrr, they're driving me nuts".
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are
involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.
Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they
begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in
Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited,
they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in
Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck
together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally
returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get
married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a
divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto
the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me
three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"
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There was a blond convention and the speaker a lovely lady says "while we're here, lets take this oportunity to dispell the myths surrounding blonds and intellegence."
So she asks for a volunteer, many hands go up and she choses on from the crowd.
The host asks "Whats 354 * 4"?
Contestant: '...ummmm... 57!"
At which point the crowd yells, "Give her another chance".
So the host asks "Whats 12 * 12"?
Contestant "..ummm 88"
Crowd: "Give her another Chance"!!
Host: "Whats 15 - 4"
Contestant "um 5"
Crowd: "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE"
HOst: "Whats 1 + 1"
Contestant: "..... TWO"
Crowd: "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE"
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Two engineers are walking around campus. A young gorgeous brunette rides up to them on her bicycle, throws the bike on the ground, rips off her clothes and yells "Take what you want".
The engineer picks up her bike and starts to walk away. The other engineer thinks for a minute and says
"Good choice, I don't think her clothes would have fit you".
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Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands . Finally, the President looks up and asks..........
''How many millions is a Brazillion ??!