One I just had to share since I live in the country 🙂
Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he
quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road...Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come.
About 5:00..."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be
some drinkin'.
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink
with the best of em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. More 'n'
likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By
the way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
Originally posted by TRAINS44Ah, but you are currently playing your self-imposed maximum number of games. You're welcome to challenge me when you like.
God Bless you Mr. CrawlIce. NOW I get it. Now the joke makes sense. As a reward, I'd like to play you a game of chess and let you win.
Crawl Ice
Originally posted by CrawlIceCrawlIce... many thanks for explaining... I had a weeked of parrots to deal with... Don't ask but those animals can be hilarious at times. Trains.. sorry wasn't around to sort it.
"The coffin stops." = "The coughin' stops."
Loved the ... just the two us joke!
Two jokes from my nephew...
Whats the best day to go to the beach........ Sunday of course.
And
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It was driving down the road and then suddenly turned into a field.
And from me .... for the biologists amoung us
"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p (ATP) please!"
Originally posted by Grand Master Gav*groan*
And from me .... for the biologists amoung us
"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p (ATP) please!"
that really sucked 😛
But now you have me wondering if it has any effect if you ingest it...
Originally posted by angie88Actually, many sportsman and women now take creatine phosphate suppliments so I presume no.
*groan*
that really sucked 😛
But now you have me wondering if it has any effect if you ingest it...
Anyhoooo.. humour
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get well and truely drunk.
The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor.
The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells,
"Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The drunk replies,
"And you think I'm drink... That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says
"The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."