Can you faith heal the squirts?

I need someone to put in a good word for me with JESUS and ask him if he can cure the screaming squirts I've had since Saturday afternoon when I ate two Smoked Turkey Legs, chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, several funnel cakes, strawberries, corn on a stick, a Polish sausage, sushi, fried rice, steak, jumbo shrimp, fruit smoothy, saki, gatorade, and significant amounts of beer. I also went on several roller coasters and other theme park rides.

I've been praying to GOD, JESUS, and several other Gods, including ones I invented. Unfortunately, my ass is still a burning ring of fire and my office cleaning lady complained about the carnage I left in the restroom (I blamed this on several contractors I have working for me).

Maybe Blindfaith or Powerscrotum can put a good word in for me as I can't take much more of this eternal torment... I've blown the o-ring out in my aching bunghole. JESUS save my ravaged poopshoot!

Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
I need someone to put in a good word for me with JESUS and ask him if he can cure the screaming squirts I've had since Saturday afternoon when I ate two Smoked Turkey Legs, chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, several funnel cakes, strawberries, corn on a stick, a Polish sausage, sushi, fried rice, steak, jumbo shrimp, fruit smoothy, saki, gato ...[text shortened]... orment... I've blown the o-ring out in my aching bunghole. JESUS save my ravaged poopshoot!

Methinks thou shall ride this one out.

Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
I need someone to put in a good word for me with JESUS and ask him if he can cure the screaming squirts I've had since Saturday afternoon when I ate two Smoked Turkey Legs, chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, several funnel cakes, strawberries, corn on a stick, a Polish sausage, sushi, fried rice, steak, jumbo shrimp, fruit smoothy, saki, gato ...[text shortened]... orment... I've blown the o-ring out in my aching bunghole. JESUS save my ravaged poopshoot!

This is not a matter of faith, but rather unadulterated stupidity. This is one lesson you'd do well to learn: there are consequences to your eating habits - just ask Rosie O'Donnell.

Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
I need someone to put in a good word for me with JESUS and ask him if he can cure the screaming squirts I've had since Saturday afternoon when I ate two Smoked Turkey Legs, chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, several funnel cakes, strawberries, corn on a stick, a Polish sausage, sushi, fried rice, steak, jumbo shrimp, fruit smoothy, saki, gato ...[text shortened]... orment... I've blown the o-ring out in my aching bunghole. JESUS save my ravaged poopshoot!

I have just the song for you - Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. Especially relish "...and it burns, burns, burns - the ring of fire..."

Originally posted by Halitose
I have just the song for you - Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. Especially relish "...and it burns, burns, burns - the ring of fire..."

The song which they intended to use in an ad for pile cream, until Johny Cash's family said no.

Originally posted by Redmike
The song which they intended to use in an ad for pile cream, until Johny Cash's family said no.

Thank God.

Originally posted by Halitose
I have just the song for you - Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. Especially relish "...and it burns, burns, burns - the ring of fire..."

As much as I love Johny Cash, this is a serious issue. I tried using one of those facial cleanser pads on my poop shoot as it was advertised as "having a pleasant cooling sensation" and it felt like someone had stuck a flame thrower in there. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, there should be a warning label on the box advising you not to stick the facial pads in your bum under any circumstances.

I need spiritual help to solve this problem!

Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
As much as I love Johny Cash, this is a serious issue. I tried using one of those facial cleanser pads on my poop shoot as it was advertised as "having a pleasant cooling sensation" and it felt like someone had stuck a flame thrower in there. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, there should be a warning label on the box advising you not to stick the facial pads in your bum under any circumstances.

I need spiritual help to solve this problem!

Methinks you need a shrink.

Originally posted by lucifershammer
Methinks you need a shrink.

And, after that, likely a shrink-er.

Originally posted by lucifershammer
Methinks you need a shrink.

Possibly... However, my life is committed to God through Jesus Christ and, therefore, Christ lives withing me. If Christ lives within me, my decisions must reflect his prescence. As a result, my flaming hoop of fire is God's fault... Plus, Christ died on the cross to save us from our sins and is the sin of gluttony not worthy of his sacrifice?... Arrgh! I need absolution or perhaps an exorcism!

Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
Possibly... However, my life is committed to God through Jesus Christ and, therefore, Christ lives withing me. If Christ lives within me, my decisions must reflect his prescence. As a result, my flaming hoop of fire is God's fault... Plus, Christ died on the cross to save us from our sins and is the sin of gluttony not worthy of his sacrifice?... Arrgh! I need absolution or perhaps an exorcism!

Either you're typing too fast, or you're on the verge of speaking in tongues. Either way, we are not edified. Perhaps the salt of Epsom can ease your pain.

Originally posted by FreakyKBH
Either you're typing too fast, or you're on the verge of speaking in tongues. Either way, we are not edified. Perhaps the salt of Epsom can ease your pain.

Dehydration has fried my frontal lobe and I am losing my will to live...

Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
Possibly... However, my life is committed to God through Jesus Christ and, therefore, Christ lives withing me. If Christ lives within me, my decisions must reflect his prescence. As a result, my flaming hoop of fire is God's fault... Plus, Christ died on the cross to save us from our sins and is the sin of gluttony not worthy of his sacrifice?... Arrgh! I need absolution or perhaps an exorcism!

The in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit does not take away your free will - if you decide to do something silly it won't stop you.

Originally posted by lucifershammer
The in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit does not take away your free will - if you decide to do something silly it won't stop you.

I wasn't warned and the pleasantly full sensation I managed to maintain seemed like positive reinforcement. Even now I yearn for funnel cakes... sweet, sweet funnel cakes.

Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
I wasn't warned and the pleasantly full sensation I managed to maintain seemed like positive reinforcement. Even now I yearn for funnel cakes... sweet, sweet funnel cakes.

Go toward the light, young Skywalker. It is a train and will put you out of your misery.