I need someone to put in a good word for me with JESUS and ask him if he can cure the screaming squirts I've had since Saturday afternoon when I ate two Smoked Turkey Legs, chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, several funnel cakes, strawberries, corn on a stick, a Polish sausage, sushi, fried rice, steak, jumbo shrimp, fruit smoothy, saki, gatorade, and significant amounts of beer. I also went on several roller coasters and other theme park rides.
I've been praying to GOD, JESUS, and several other Gods, including ones I invented. Unfortunately, my ass is still a burning ring of fire and my office cleaning lady complained about the carnage I left in the restroom (I blamed this on several contractors I have working for me).
Maybe Blindfaith or Powerscrotum can put a good word in for me as I can't take much more of this eternal torment... I've blown the o-ring out in my aching bunghole. JESUS save my ravaged poopshoot!
Originally posted by Hand of HecateMethinks thou shall ride this one out.
I need someone to put in a good word for me with JESUS and ask him if he can cure the screaming squirts I've had since Saturday afternoon when I ate two Smoked Turkey Legs, chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, several funnel cakes, strawberries, corn on a stick, a Polish sausage, sushi, fried rice, steak, jumbo shrimp, fruit smoothy, saki, gato ...[text shortened]... orment... I've blown the o-ring out in my aching bunghole. JESUS save my ravaged poopshoot!
Originally posted by Hand of HecateThis is not a matter of faith, but rather unadulterated stupidity. This is one lesson you'd do well to learn: there are consequences to your eating habits - just ask Rosie O'Donnell.
I need someone to put in a good word for me with JESUS and ask him if he can cure the screaming squirts I've had since Saturday afternoon when I ate two Smoked Turkey Legs, chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, several funnel cakes, strawberries, corn on a stick, a Polish sausage, sushi, fried rice, steak, jumbo shrimp, fruit smoothy, saki, gato ...[text shortened]... orment... I've blown the o-ring out in my aching bunghole. JESUS save my ravaged poopshoot!
Originally posted by Hand of HecateI have just the song for you - Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. Especially relish "...and it burns, burns, burns - the ring of fire..."
I need someone to put in a good word for me with JESUS and ask him if he can cure the screaming squirts I've had since Saturday afternoon when I ate two Smoked Turkey Legs, chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, several funnel cakes, strawberries, corn on a stick, a Polish sausage, sushi, fried rice, steak, jumbo shrimp, fruit smoothy, saki, gato ...[text shortened]... orment... I've blown the o-ring out in my aching bunghole. JESUS save my ravaged poopshoot!
Originally posted by HalitoseAs much as I love Johny Cash, this is a serious issue. I tried using one of those facial cleanser pads on my poop shoot as it was advertised as "having a pleasant cooling sensation" and it felt like someone had stuck a flame thrower in there. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, there should be a warning label on the box advising you not to stick the facial pads in your bum under any circumstances.
I have just the song for you - Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire. Especially relish "...and it burns, burns, burns - the ring of fire..."
I need spiritual help to solve this problem!
Originally posted by Hand of HecateMethinks you need a shrink.
As much as I love Johny Cash, this is a serious issue. I tried using one of those facial cleanser pads on my poop shoot as it was advertised as "having a pleasant cooling sensation" and it felt like someone had stuck a flame thrower in there. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, there should be a warning label on the box advising you not to stick the facial pads in your bum under any circumstances.
I need spiritual help to solve this problem!
Originally posted by lucifershammerPossibly... However, my life is committed to God through Jesus Christ and, therefore, Christ lives withing me. If Christ lives within me, my decisions must reflect his prescence. As a result, my flaming hoop of fire is God's fault... Plus, Christ died on the cross to save us from our sins and is the sin of gluttony not worthy of his sacrifice?... Arrgh! I need absolution or perhaps an exorcism!
Methinks you need a shrink.
Originally posted by Hand of HecateEither you're typing too fast, or you're on the verge of speaking in tongues. Either way, we are not edified. Perhaps the salt of Epsom can ease your pain.
Possibly... However, my life is committed to God through Jesus Christ and, therefore, Christ lives withing me. If Christ lives within me, my decisions must reflect his prescence. As a result, my flaming hoop of fire is God's fault... Plus, Christ died on the cross to save us from our sins and is the sin of gluttony not worthy of his sacrifice?... Arrgh! I need absolution or perhaps an exorcism!
Originally posted by Hand of HecateThe in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit does not take away your free will - if you decide to do something silly it won't stop you.
Possibly... However, my life is committed to God through Jesus Christ and, therefore, Christ lives withing me. If Christ lives within me, my decisions must reflect his prescence. As a result, my flaming hoop of fire is God's fault... Plus, Christ died on the cross to save us from our sins and is the sin of gluttony not worthy of his sacrifice?... Arrgh! I need absolution or perhaps an exorcism!
Originally posted by lucifershammerI wasn't warned and the pleasantly full sensation I managed to maintain seemed like positive reinforcement. Even now I yearn for funnel cakes... sweet, sweet funnel cakes.
The in-dwelling of the Holy Spirit does not take away your free will - if you decide to do something silly it won't stop you.