1. Standard membermokko
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    16 Jun '05 12:39
    I have a question which was originally asked of me earlier today. In talking to someone very close to me the subject of finding happiness through finding your true self came up.

    I have spent many years soul searching in the great quest to discover who I truly am. What makes me happy, what are my weaknesses, my strengths, my beliefs ect. ect. I have experimented with many methods, have faced many internal truths and finally have come to terms with the person I am. Life is a continous journey of self realization and evolution.

    The question then becomes how do you explain this process of self discovery to someone who doesn't know where or how to begin. There are obviously no right or wrong answers. Only unique experiences.

    It is my greatest wish to see this person no longer living a facade of personalities to constantly suite the needs of others. I would really like to help my friend but feel greatly unqualified. If anyone has any helpfull words of advice or personal growth experiences they wish to share I would be gratefull.

    Thanks in advance
    Mokko
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    16 Jun '05 16:24
    I've found that for someone that wants fundamental change, that wants to "know who they are" as it were, that person needs to look inward by using simple (although not necessary easy lol) meditation techniques. The meditation allows a person's mind to settle, to begin to let the constant grind of mental impressions of oneself and the external world to become apparent to them in a focused, gentle, systematic way. We all are very distracted and hardly ever in a state of relaxed awareness. Our lives slip away in confusion. We're all in a frenetic rush to do who knows what! lol Practicing carefully, much like learning any new skill that takes time each day and devotion to the task, they may then increase their sense of balance, wholeness, goodness, whatever it may be called, and become more fulfilled in their life by being more careful and more attentive to their own mind and the way others' minds work too.

    There is far more to it than I can convey in a few sentences but I know that calm-abiding meditation is a good first step in cultivating self-awareness and understanding. It lessens confusions and can lay the foundation for a person to be much more healthy both mentally and physically.
  3. Standard memberColetti
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    16 Jun '05 16:39
    Originally posted by mokko
    I have a question which was originally asked of me earlier today. In talking to someone very close to me the subject of finding happiness through finding your true self came up.....
    It is my greatest wish to see this person no longer living a facade of personalities to constantly suite the needs of others. I would really like to help my friend but feel greatl ...[text shortened]... ersonal growth experiences they wish to share I would be gratefull.

    Thanks in advance
    Mokko
    Tell him that getting caught up in "soul searching" can lead one into being a self-centered person who avoids, not only conflict, but self sacrifice. It is better (for the most part) to focus outwardly, towards knowing and glorifying God, and loving your neighbors. It may not give you total "inner peace," but what good is loving yourself if you neglect or cheat others and God.
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    16 Jun '05 18:14
    Originally posted by Coletti
    Tell him that getting caught up in "soul searching" can lead one into being a self-centered person who avoids, not only conflict, but self sacrifice. It is better (for the most part) to focus outwardly, towards knowing and glorifying God, and loving your neighbors. It may not give you total "inner peace," but what good is loving yourself if you neglect or cheat others and God.
    Would you disagree with the idea that the only way to learn to love others is to learn to genuinely love oneself in an unselfish way, first?
  5. London
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    16 Jun '05 19:09
    Originally posted by mokko
    I have a question which was originally asked of me earlier today. In talking to someone very close to me the subject of finding happiness through finding your true self came up.

    I have spent many years soul searching in the great quest to discover who I truly am. What makes me happy, what are my weaknesses, my strengths, my beliefs ect. ect. I have experim ...[text shortened]... ersonal growth experiences they wish to share I would be gratefull.

    Thanks in advance
    Mokko
    I think that the person seeking to "find himself" already knows his deepest needs and desires - but lacks the conviction to live it. This may be due to the pressures and expectations of friends, family or society. But in seeking advice on "how to find yourself" the person is really seeking support; really seeking a source of courage to realise what he already knows about himself.
  6. Standard memberColetti
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    16 Jun '05 19:16
    Originally posted by eagles54
    Would you disagree with the idea that the only way to learn to love others is to learn to genuinely love oneself in an unselfish way, first?
    No, I disagree. I think for most people, self-love does not need to be learned. Rather, people need to learn how to love others.
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    16 Jun '05 19:21
    Originally posted by Coletti
    No, I disagree. I think for most people, self-love does not need to be learned. Rather, people need to learn how to love others.
    Ego-clinging often masquerades as self-love.
  8. Standard memberColetti
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    16 Jun '05 20:28
    Originally posted by eagles54
    Ego-clinging often masquerades as self-love.
    I think I agree with that - if you mean something similar to: many (if not most) insecure people do not suffer from self-hatred, but excessive self-centeredness. The same might be said of people with "low self-esteem." They may feel sad about their lot in life are really self-centered and feel life is "unfair" and they've been cheated. They do not so much suffer from a lack of self-love as self-righteousness.
  9. Standard membermokko
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    16 Jun '05 22:51
    Originally posted by eagles54
    I've found that for someone that wants fundamental change, that wants to "know who they are" as it were, that person needs to look inward by using simple (although not necessary easy lol) meditation techniques. The meditation allows a person's mind to settle, to begin to let the constant grind of mental impressions of oneself and the external world to b ...[text shortened]... ns and can lay the foundation for a person to be much more healthy both mentally and physically.
    Very sound advice I will gladly pass on. Sometimes it's just a matter of knowing you're not the only one to struggle with these issues and that many others have gone down the same path.
    Thankyou
  10. Standard membermokko
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    16 Jun '05 23:02
    Originally posted by Coletti
    Tell him that getting caught up in "soul searching" can lead one into being a self-centered person who avoids, not only conflict, but self sacrifice. It is better (for the most part) to focus outwardly, towards knowing and glorifying God, and loving your neighbors. It may not give you total "inner peace," but what good is loving yourself if you neglect or cheat others and God.
    This is coming from a someone who is so focused on being the person others want them to be that ultimately the unhappiness of this is manifesting in anger and resentment towards others, even towards God himself. There is also a deep need for acceptance from a family that exists only to talk down about their neighbors, not love them.

    I feel for this person and also try to guide them towards to the love and acceptance of God. This is something I hope they will find hidden within themselves. But in order to find it they must first sort through all the things they are not.

    It becomes difficult to outwardly show love and accept God when you're unable to accept yourself. It's difficult to accept yourself when you don't even know who that self is.

  11. Standard membermokko
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    16 Jun '05 23:11
    Originally posted by lucifershammer
    I think that the person seeking to "find himself" already knows his deepest needs and desires - but lacks the conviction to live it. This may be due to the pressures and expectations of friends, family or society. But in seeking advice on "how to find yourself" the person is really seeking support; really seeking a source of courage to realise what he already knows about himself.
    I couldn't agree more. The genuine desire is there. It's the understanding of how to go about this change that they are unsure of.

    And in reaching out to me I am both flattered and dismayed. What was right for me and worked for me might not work for someone else, and there are very distinct differences between supports and family involvements.

    This is why any advice would be helpfull. There isn't another source as of yet for information and I don't want this person to simply become another reflection of someone, namely myself.

    Does anyone know of any good books mabey that deal (in simple terms!) on undertaking such a personal discovery?

  12. Standard memberAynat
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    17 Jun '05 06:422 edits
    Originally posted by mokko
    I couldn't agree more. The genuine desire is there. It's the understanding of how to go about this change that they are unsure of.

    And in reaching out to me I am both flattered and dismayed. What was right for me and worked for me might ...[text shortened]... l (in simple terms!) on undertaking such a personal discovery?

    I just spent a ton of time writing a ton of words only to erase it ' cuz it was all about me. So, here is the first truth I know about helping someone:

    IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!

    Everyone has their own answers. Helper people need to get the heck out of the way so that people can find those answers.

    Listen, listen, listen and listen some more....people are not used to being heard.

    Accept what you are told without judgement. If you judge me...I can't tell you my truth.

    Refrain from advising, advice is most often a burden. It creates an obligation to do what has been advised.

    Ask permission to make a suggestion. And, use some extra words as buffers. Ex: I was wondering if, Has this occurred to you, I was kinda thinking maybe....

    Say supportive things: I care about you, you deserve good things,you can overcome this' I am concerned for your well-being' you are not responisble for what so-and-so chooses to do or not to do (drink, hit, be miserable, quit job or just be a jerk).

    Affirm their value to you. Tell them the things you see and respect and value in them.

    If they say something which you can identify and label...do so very gently, occasionally and nuetrally. Ex: If someone said/did that to me I think I might feel.....angry, resentful, betrayed, scared....how does it feel to you? or Sometimes, when I sleep to much it is because I feel sad or really overwhelmed,

    Do supportive things....take them to tea, offer to accompany them to someplace they may feel uncomfortable going....the first appointment with a counselor or support group meeting.

    Encourage the person to do things that feel good....go for a walk, spend time with friends, read a favorite author.

    Don't forget to laugh....life is often quite funny..even as it is quite painful and scary....

    That's about it.

    Last thought from me...Rather than just getting a book for your friend....maybe, when it comes up again...offer to take your friend to the library to see if they have a book that might be appropriate. If you can affort to do so, you could take your friend to a bookstore and browse the self-help/inspiration/religious section. Let friend find the book that speaks to him.
  13. Standard membermokko
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    17 Jun '05 22:23
    Originally posted by Aynat
    I just spent a ton of time writing a ton of words only to erase it ' cuz it was all about me. So, here is the first truth I know about helping someone:

    IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!

    Everyone has their own answers. Helper people need to get the heck out of the way so that people can find those answers.

    Listen, listen, listen and listen so ...[text shortened]... browse the self-help/inspiration/religious section. Let friend find the book that speaks to him.
    These are extemely helpfull suggestion which I'll be sure to follow. Never really having someone come to me with such a life problem before I find I don't know the best ways to go about it.

    These are some very sound points that I'm sure will be greatly appreciated by both myself and my friend.

    I have provided a list of various councelling agencies, and offered my friendship and support if needed. I have suggested various books that might be of interest but like your suggestion of ultimately letting them choose what speaks most to them.

    I know from experience that undergoing change is difficult and can sometimes be a scary process to go through.

    I only wish to provide the most benificial support during this time. I thank everyone for their advice and input. As I'm sure my friend would thank you all too.

  14. Joined
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    18 Jun '05 13:021 edit
    Originally posted by Coletti
    Tell him that getting caught up in "soul searching" can lead one into being a self-centered person who avoids, not only conflict, but self sacrifice. It is better (for the most part) to focus outwardly, towards knowing and glorifying God ...[text shortened]... good is loving yourself if you neglect or cheat others and God.
    Instead of summing up a person, with low self esteem as being selfish......its usually a course of events that have taken place throughout their life......they have come to a point in their life......they ........cant see past the hopelessness...their future is grim
    they feel they have become of no use.......to others......and even to themselves......as a friend we dont need to dig out their past.......but help them see that there is a future.
    Look for their good qualities......encourage them to use them.......try to help them rebuild their self worth .......and that everyone is important.......soul searching is good.....however......when ones self worth, self esteem are at a low, to soul search seems an impossible task........their love for themselves and others......seems to have dissiapated with their problems.........most problems can be overcome.....some need help in doing so.........some reach out......looking for the courage to continue.....

    Our minds take us on many journeys......in life.......it is in within ourselves.....whether these journeys are great....or mediocre......or even sad.....in giving of ourselves to others.. encouraging others.....to happiness........do we receive happiness within us...........

    "It is only in giving that we receive"

    gil
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