The Gospel of St RHP

RHP
Introduction
1 These are the unauthorised teaching of Jesus, 2 Things that are of common sense to every man woman & child apon this earth,3 Fictitious words, that had Jesus been alive today, he may well have spoken, 4 Please feel free to add you own perils of wisdom.

RHP 1

Blessed are the Homosexuals

1 And Jesus said unto the disciples, fear not thy homosexuals. 2 For they have two arms, two legs, a head & body, just like all humans apon this earth. 3 For they are happy and gay and do nobody any harm. 4 Then Paul said, Jesus I am afraid, for they may want to kiss me. 5 And Jesus answered, what does it matter?. 6 For if someone wishes to kiss thou, is it not a great honour?. 7 Then Paul did reply, but I am not one of them, what should I do ? 8 Where apon Jesus replied, you must be kind, 9 treat them like an ugly women. 10 Explain to them, that you are not batting for the other side. 11 Then they will understand the truth and just be thy friend.

John Questions Jesus Judgement

12 Then John exclaimed, but its disgusting & unnatural. 13 Then Jesus did say, it is true that it is not to all mens taste, 14 But it is their life, and they should be allowed to do what they want. 15 Just as you should be allow to do what you want. 16 Jesus continues, anyway you of all the disciples, should be happy that there are homosexuals. 17 To which John replied, how so? 18 And Jesus answered, well the more of them that there are, means that there are more free women for you. 19 Then even an bald ugly fat bloke, like yourself, will be able to get a girlfriend. 20 To which the disciples did see that Jesus was right. 21 And mended the error of their ways, 22 Showing no further malice against Homosexuals.

And Jesus spoke to the multitudes. "You have heard it said from of old that when God created he pronounced it 'good.' In my Father's house is much goodness. It's all good, baby. You know what I'm sayin?"

Let not your fears keep you from reality. The disciples overwhelmed with guilt from masturbation said, "Lord, what about the curse of Onan?" Jesus replied, "Verily, verily, you have heard it from the Scriptures that Onan was struck down for spilling his seed upon the ground. I give you a new commandment: 'let your right hand know what your left hand doeth." At that moment the pharisees plotted how to destroy him.

And the LORD spake of a false prophet to come. Amongst the pornmongers will appear a man called Darfius. He will speak of my Son in terms of familiarity. But yea! Do not be fooled by his sophistry. He is but a heretic and should meet the same fate as the Midianite children. For he claims they are guilty like their parents. Thus Spake the LORD.

RHP 2

The Parable of the Nerd

1 Long ago there was a small child, who was weak and wore glasses, 2 The other children did hate him with avengence, 3 And did steal the childs lunch money, and spat in his face. 4 But the child was blessed with intelligence, and did not give up hope. 5 Whilst his enemies did play, he thought hard and was not idol, 6 Many years passed, and the child became a man. 7 Alas his labour was not in vain, for he had invented a machine that could do many things. 8 Soon he became a wealthly man, with much power. 9 And he punished his enemies, by giving them the shity jobs in his company and making them work longer hours for little pay.

Jesus Gives a Warning

10 Then Jesus said, be not like the enemies of the Nerd, 11 as it is unkind & unjust to treat anyone this way. 12 As all people are equal and should be treated with respect, no matter how different they look. 13 For I warn you, it is the geek that shall inherit the earth, 13 And their vengence will be long and harsh.