Well, was I ever shocked at being invited to the open day in heaven!
As a pure and utter atheist I have to admit at feeling slightly embarrassed...
Anyways, RBHILL and myself decided to form and international pact and travel upwards and onwards together. And so it was that we both found ourselves at the pearly gates with Simon (he prefers Simon, but can handle Peter if need be...he explained) at the ready to give us our free tour.
He first led us into a giant room filled with beds. Some of the beds had sleepers in them, some of them had not.
"Prey tel Peter," said RBHILL, "what are all these beds fur?"
"Well," explained Simon, "this is where the angels sleep when they're off duty."
"Do they really have no genitals?" I asked.
Peter decided to ignore my question.
And so the tour continued. Peter showing us all around, room after room after room. Until we came upon a large room full of clocks. Each clock had a name under it.
"Pry tel Peater," said RBHILL, "What ar all thees clucks fur?"
"Well," explained Simon, "each clock is somebody's sexual line. And each time said individual masturbates, the clock moves one tick forward."
And both RBHILL and myself noticed that every so often a clock would tick one minute forward.
We both gaped in awe at the amount of clocks, the amount of names and the size of the room. After considerable gaping I noticed something and felt I had to have an answer.
"Say Simon," Sais I, "where is young Ivanhoe's clock? For I see it not? "
And Simon answered: "We use his clock in the kitchen as a ventilator."