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Originally posted by sasquatch672Remember you have a choice but they do not, do not wear your old combats for the first few meetings, and pretend to be a nice bloke (who knows you may get to like it) 🙂
Anybody been down this joyful road? I'm dating a girl I've known since fifth grade. I know her parents, we've stayed in touch, both crossed the '40' threshold, and tomorrow morning, I'm supposed to meet her girls. They're 7 and 8. I'm having a range of sensations - chest pains, tunnel vision, cold sweats, uncontrollable shaking, a feeling of dread, ...[text shortened]... terrifying seconds.
Thoughts? Little help? Spare ticket to some African hellhole?
Originally posted by JS357What do you mean? I have 2 kids and I am a good parent. I was just giving good advice. The manners of the children are a good indicator of the ethics of the parent. A disrespectful child is the result of a disrespectful parent.
None of you since my last post should be around children, or at all influence them, for the good of all concerned. Please let's hope that's your intention.
Except in one case -- until you see, and get through your pain.
Don't lump me in with your stereotype.
Originally posted by JS357Guess I'm in that batch. Personally, I think that a divorced woman with children, ought to remain single until the children leave the home for college or their own lives. In the meantime they still have two parents who just don't live together. If it is hard to raise children when the parents work in tandem in a nuclear family, it become exponentially more difficult sharing time, and moving kids from house to house.
None of you since my last post should be around children, or at all influence them, for the good of all concerned. Please let's hope that's your intention.
Except in one case -- until you see, and get through your pain.
The man marrying into that dilemma is biting off a huge problem, and most can't chew it. The incidence of divorce in second marriages with children is extraordinarily high. Still marriage, even for 40 somethings, is about emotions and hormones more than reason and logic, but his misgivings are the logical side crying out to be heard.
Originally posted by Metal BrainI said there was an exception.
What do you mean? I have 2 kids and I am a good parent. I was just giving good advice. The manners of the children are a good indicator of the ethics of the parent. A disrespectful child is the result of a disrespectful parent.
Don't lump me in with your stereotype.
Originally posted by normbenignI think it's perfectly respectable to recognize that one might not make a good parent, or simply might not be happy as one, and acting on that decision. Ditto with the decision that one would not make a good parent now, but may later or under different circumstances.
Guess I'm in that batch. Personally, I think that a divorced woman with children, ought to remain single until the children leave the home for college or their own lives. In the meantime they still have two parents who just don't live together. If it is hard to raise children when the parents work in tandem in a nuclear family, it become exponentially ...[text shortened]... s more than reason and logic, but his misgivings are the logical side crying out to be heard.
Originally posted by JS357Sure, people change, and grow. My point was that often the new "stepfather" is stepping into a minefield. The children have a father, maybe different fathers. The conflicts in these scenarios ought to be considered by both prospective second parents. The mother with custody is usually the gatekeeper, and often her emotional and hormonal needs, outweigh the concerns for the kids. Every case is different. But in general, the only factor in consideration is the desires of the adults, not the children, who have already been partially ripped from one of their parents, and may soon face losing the new one as well. One consideration might be that above all, the new couple ought to agree on not bringing more children into the picture.
I think it's perfectly respectable to recognize that one might not make a good parent, or simply might not be happy as one, and acting on that decision. Ditto with the decision that one would not make a good parent now, but may later or under different circumstances.
Originally posted by normbenignThe stepfather needs to communicate with his new wife. If she is willing to back him, then by all means play father. If she is not, then shut up and stay on your corner. Of course you will have to decide whether or not you are willing to live this way.
Sure, people change, and grow. My point was that often the new "stepfather" is stepping into a minefield. The children have a father, maybe different fathers. The conflicts in these scenarios ought to be considered by both prospective second parents. The mother with custody is usually the gatekeeper, and often her emotional and hormonal needs, outweig ...[text shortened]... that above all, the new couple ought to agree on not bringing more children into the picture.
Don't be affraid. Don't try to measure up or pretend things are nicer than they actually are. Go into the meeting with your eyes open and be yourself. If it works, then it works. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. If it doesn't, then date a few years until the kids are gone, then get more serious.
Originally posted by EladarMy older brother Joseph is in a relationship with a woman
The stepfather needs to communicate with his new wife. If she is willing to back him, then by all means play father. If she is not, then shut up and stay on your corner. Of course you will have to decide whether or not you are willing to live this way.
Don't be affraid. Don't try to measure up or pretend things are nicer than they actually are. Go int ...[text shortened]... sn't. If it doesn't, then date a few years until the kids are gone, then get more serious.
since 1980.
At that time she had two boys aged 8 and 5 from another man
who left her and went to live in Guernsey in the Channel Islands.
They were going to get married in 1982 and our mother gave them
money to buy a fridge for their new home.
It was not exactly a popular thing to do in Ireland in 1982 to
tie yourself up with a woman who had 2 kids for another man.
The week after Joe bought the fridge our mother died.
The funeral was a particularly sad affair. It was only a few
months after my 21st birthday.
To this day Joe and Peggy are still together and they have 2
more boys making 4 boys altogether and their relationship is
as strong as ever. They love each other deeply and work together
in a partnership that is so equal and so immaculate that I have never
seen in anybody else.
It's not just luck. It takes honesty and communication and damned
hard work. For over 30 years they have worked together as a team
and still do so today. Rarely have I seen anything like it.
If it was an Olympic sport they would definitely win gold.
I am divorced. I got married in 1987 and separated in 1995.
I divorced my ex in January 2013.
I was not so lucky.
Everyone's story is different.
Advice only goes so far. The rest is up to you to make it work.
If you want it to work it will. But only if you both want it to work.
Originally posted by sasquatch672Relax...you'll do just fine. It takes a lot of time together to really get to know someone, so don't too much pressure on yourself.
Anybody been down this joyful road? I'm dating a girl I've known since fifth grade. I know her parents, we've stayed in touch, both crossed the '40' threshold, and tomorrow morning, I'm supposed to meet her girls. They're 7 and 8. I'm having a range of sensations - chest pains, tunnel vision, cold sweats, uncontrollable shaking, a feeling of dread, ...[text shortened]... terrifying seconds.
Thoughts? Little help? Spare ticket to some African hellhole?
Originally posted by sasquatch672As long as you are just in it for the fun stuff and don't intend to get married, then the father figure thing isn't a big deal.
It actually went very well. The girls, as I suspected, were wonderful. They actually took a liking to me, and for my part, the last thing I'm going to do is try to be an authority figure. OK - that's enough of me being sappy.
Originally posted by sasquatch672You will have to know your boundaries if the relationship continues.
It actually went very well. The girls, as I suspected, were wonderful. They actually took a liking to me, and for my part, the last thing I'm going to do is try to be an authority figure. OK - that's enough of me being sappy.
I have seen relationships where one partner says to the other,
"Don't talk to my children like that".
So maybe it would be wise if you intend to carry on
to discover what level of authority you may have
and may not have.
Best to sort that out early on.
Originally posted by sasquatch672Congrats, sasquatch, that's great. I'm happy for you.
It actually went very well. The girls, as I suspected, were wonderful. They actually took a liking to me, and for my part, the last thing I'm going to do is try to be an authority figure. OK - that's enough of me being sappy.
As for being an authority figure, my best advice is to lead by example. If they respect the way you behave, they'll listen to you when you give advice.