1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat.
Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over
and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should,
use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Originally posted by onyx2006Empty Corn Flake box....don't discard it.
1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat.
Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. To treat high blood pressure: simpl ...[text shortened]... NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Simply fill it with concrete and use it as a handy door stop.
Originally posted by onyx2006Duct Tape and WD40..... must remember to get some !!!!
1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat.
Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. To treat high blood pressure: simpl ...[text shortened]... NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
some more...
Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the
object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place,
you fat *******
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into
it, before jumping in.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake
again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive v*br*tor.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your
feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All
he's interested in is seeing you naked.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for
the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in
your coat pocket.
Originally posted by onyx2006My Goldfish is doing some very stupid things in his bowl.....Thanks onyx2006 !!!!
some more...
Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the
object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but ...[text shortened]... of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in
your coat pocket.
