Originally posted by dfm65Dear Hysterical Gorilla,
Dear Hand,
Recently i started hearing voices in my head, telling me to do things. Not very nice things, but at least sensible, in a twisted kind of way. Then, last week they told me to go outside wearing just my g/f's pink tutu and the head of my gorillagram work uniform and walk through the streets waving a semi-automatic weapon and haranguing people abou ...[text shortened]... hat should i do?
The Prophet of the Apocalypse
PS
THE DAY OF THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!!!!
You Fool! Wearing tutus this close to Christmas is a terrible faux pas! For God's sake take the thing off! Didn't you get the memo? A tiger striped loin cloth is the only acceptable gorrilla mask accompanying attire.
Semi automatic weapons are for panzies! No wonder people flip you $h@t. If you want to be take seriously drive around town with a school bus loaded with ammonium nitrate, diesel fuel and ball bearings.
Your delusions of impending apocalypse are a fine example of hysteria. This is a serious issue and may be out of my realms of expertise. I would suggest checking yourself into the same mental health program STANG escaped from.
How'd the phallus shaped napkins work out by the way?
Regards,
The Hand.
Originally posted by angie88Dear Power Monger Harlot,
Dear Hand,
I like to sleep with my teachers so I can blackmail them afterwards by threatening to go to the headmaster, so I have total control over them. I will be the most powerful person at school, I can manipulate everyone, I have my own little empire! Fwahahaha!
Please tell me, dear Hand-how can I gain control over my female teachers, since I'm not ...[text shortened]... dent of the US or something if you prefer that 😛
yours truly,
*
*name withheld
Take it from me, sleeping your way to the top is exhausting. Still you seem to have the men pegged. Remember, staged pictures are worth a thousand words (a hand on the @$$ shot is particularly effective).
Women, in groups are the most vicious, back stabbing, evil beatches ever spawned by the horned God. As such they can be manipulated my setting them against each other. Start slow with vicious type written notes, fake printed e-mails 'accidently' left on the printer, lines like "Mrs. X, your such a great teacher and such a wonderful husband I can't believe your husbands going to leave you, I'm so sorry... what?.. well I overheard Ms. Y telling Z's Mom that he'd been having an affair..." Your ambition will only be limited by your ability to lie cheat and steal, cultivate these attributes and you'll either be president or a great sales person.
Much Respect, Your Humble Servant,
HH
Originally posted by Joe FistDear Anti-Felcher,
Dear Dr.Hand,
Thanks for the sushi advice...top notch baby! We, speaking the collective "we", have a sort of a canker sore that we can't seem to neutralize.
It's name is Bowmann and he has been smearing his fecal matter in the forums for sometime now. Usually it happens every few days and when confronted, he wilts and sulks back into his cesspoo ...[text shortened]... ase let me know and thanks in advance.
Joe, who thinks Bowmann is an expert a$$-felcher, Fist
I have long struggled with a final solution to the pusstulant taint pimple that is Bowmann. His drive by forum blasting gives me a persistant rash that no amount of digging and scratching will relieve. He unleashes his intellectual vomit on a particular thread and runs from the ensuing battle, surely he must be spanked appropriately.
As your Doctor I recommend an aggressive campaign of PM antibiotics sent Bowmann's way. A withering barage of insulting drivel will surely drive him under his rock or draw him out into the open where we can stake him through the balls.
Adios Moose Cockos,
HH
Originally posted by Freddie2004Begone Walking Herpe (sorry perhaps that was harsh),
lock the female teachers in a janitors closet with a male teacher. supply them with food and drink and leave them there for a couple of months. by the time you get back the food will be gone and the sexual tension will have gotten to the female members of the group so much so that they end up having intercourse in the closet, or even worse they might end ...[text shortened]... e, e.g. a random bloke on a chess website called freddie who you've never met before 😉
fred
Only the illustrious Angie88 has licensing rights to dole out advice to you uncivilized pack of riff raff in my abscence. Her wisdom is unquestionable.
Thanks,
HH
1 edit
Originally posted by Hand of HecateDear Hand,
Dear Hysterical Gorilla,
You Fool! Wearing tutus this close to Christmas is a terrible faux pas! For God's sake take the thing off! Didn't you get the memo? A tiger striped loin cloth is the only acceptable gorrilla mask acc ...[text shortened]... allus shaped napkins work out by the way?
Regards,
The Hand.
Sorry, perhaps my last letter was ambiguous. it's not the people in the streets that are taking the piss, it's the voices in my head - i mean, all that with the tutu instead of the loin cloth and all. please help me deal with the voices.
Prophet of the Apocalypse
PS: The napkin idea turned my dinner party into a full-blown orgy, pun intended. thanks. cheque and photos in the mail.
PPS: If you were a voice in my head i'd do whatever you said, Hand...
PPPS: THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!!!
Originally posted by Moldy Crow(I was fond of them , so of course want to treat their bloated corpses with as much dignity and taste as is possible .)
Dear Flabby -
I recently had the neighbors over for sushi , and thought I'd give blowfish a try , as I've heard so much about it . Well just after serving the tastey treat , I had to politely excuse myself to the little cowboy's room , and upon returning found them stone dead . What's the proper way to dispose of recently deceased dinner guests ? O ...[text shortened]... o treat their bloated corpses with as much dignity and taste as is possible .)
- Klutzy Cook
Dear HoH,
I can't believe that you missed the fact that the host was rude enough to allow bloatation. It would seem the host was remiss in his/her attention to the party.
I just think you missed the mark on this one.
Your wisdom is the sunlight we bask in.
Dear HoH-
You may or may not remember me ; but I wrote you a little while ago regarding dead dinner guests . I'd poisoned them (I know -there I go again , like EVERYTHING'S my fault !) with sushi .
Well the dog-gondest thing happened , (you're gonna get a chuckle out of this) ! Well Klutzie me , a little kitchen faux pas has happened again ! It seems the nice policemen asking about my neighbors have somehow died of what looks like multiple gunshot wounds in my kitchen . I'm not sure exactly how , these silly little blackouts keep me from remembring exactly what went on . Anway , I digress . It seems they're twisted , hole riddled , contorted bodies made quite a spattery mess ! (Could it by any chance have been the pate' ?) The other neighbors came over and slipped in the mess while falling on a cleaver 23 times (how embarassing !), causing yet more spatter ! Well now the kitchen is a mess ! There's blood on the marble countertops , all over the nice oatmeal wallpaper , and in the grout in the tiles .Dad and mom told me the answer to my problem from their unmarked graves in the back yard , but I know how they lie to me . I can't tune into the CIA for answers anymore since I started wearing tinfoil hats . And I can't trust a thing the dog says anymore . So I'm turning to you , I'm desperate !
What get's blood stains out of grout ?
-Klutzie in the Kitchen
PS - Must have you over for tea some time ! Feel free to drop in !
Originally posted by Moldy CrowDear HoH,
PS - Must have you over for tea some time ! Feel free to drop in !
Let me presume to offer YOU some advice. By all means accept Moldy's invitation, but be ready to run at the first sign of fava beans and chianti...
Prophet of the Apocalypse
PS: THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!!!
Originally posted by Moldy Crowdear rotten bird,
Dear HoH-
You may or may not remember me ; but I wrote you a little while ago regarding dead dinner guests . I'd poisoned them (I know -there I go again , like EVERYTHING'S my fault !) with sushi .
Well the dog-gondest thing happened , (you're gonna get a chuckle out of this) ! Well Klutzie me , a little kitchen faux pas has happened again ! It se ...[text shortened]...
-Klutzie in the Kitchen
PS - Must have you over for tea some time ! Feel free to drop in !
afraid the doctor isn't in again, I shall offer you some of my precious advice though.
Don't touch anything. leave it as it is and charge people a fee so they can view your latest "modern art" project. Build up your own special service... when the bodies start to smell, clean the kitchen (the money you'll have made from entrance fees by then should be enough to get a really strong acid... it might not look very nice afterwards, but who cares?) and tell people they can send unwanted relatives over to dinner, against a fee of course.
See? This way, everyone is happy. You can make even more money by selling the rotten bodies to school and uni canteens instead of just disposing of them.
Awaiting your cheque,
Miss Right-... where's my Hand?
1 edit
Originally posted by xsDear Whipped Little Dawg,
Dear HoH,
I recently wrote Dear Abby about what to do about my high maintenance, money grubbing, "keep your hands to yourself" girlfriend...she told me to get some counseling.
Can you help me?
Signed
notWhipped
Grow some testicles and strap on a spine. Don't shower/shave for a few days, fart loudly and rate your gas for reverb and stench, hotbox her in bed (my wife loves it when I do this), walk around the house in nothing but holed, saggy, stained briefs, hit on her Mom if she comes over, put an ad in the paper for a new roomate (specify 'must be large breasted and hot'😉, borrow money or sell her stuff and spend it on hardcore girl-on-girl porn, leave the seat up and give it a liberal hosing down. Follow these recommendations and she'll leave within two weeks. Change the locks and your phone number.
Once she's gone don't rush into a new relationship, just focus on taking your life back. Try enjoying yourself for a change without depending upon someone else for validation.
Your Welcome,
The Handjob.
Originally posted by dfm65Dear Lost Cause,
Dear Hand,
Sorry, perhaps my last letter was ambiguous. it's not the people in the streets that are taking the piss, it's the voices in my head - i mean, all that with the tutu instead of the loin cloth and all. please help me deal with the voices.
Prophet of the Apocalypse
PS: The napkin idea turned my dinner party into a full-blown orgy, pun inte ...[text shortened]... ou were a voice in my head i'd do whatever you said, Hand...
PPPS: THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!!!
First clean out your bank account and send me all your cash, secondly fill your bathtub with water, take the large ceramic lid off your toilet, kneel in the tub bending over slightly, wack yourself in the head with the lid as hard as you can, repeat until the voices stop or you knock yourself out and drown in the tub.
Much love and respect,
HH
Originally posted by Frank BurnsDear Sharp Observer,
(I was fond of them , so of course want to treat their bloated corpses with as much dignity and taste as is possible .)
Dear HoH,
I can't believe that you missed the fact that the host was rude enough to allow bloatation. It would seem the host was remiss in his/her attention to the party.
I just think you missed the mark on this one.
Your wisdom is the sunlight we bask in.
Perhaps a better course of action would have been to fake a tragic kitchen fire and burn the house to the ground, thus, destroying the corpses and minimizing our friends chances of getting caught.
HH
Originally posted by angie88Dear Hottie88,
dear rotten bird,
afraid the doctor isn't in again, I shall offer you some of my precious advice though.
Don't touch anything. leave it as it is and charge people a fee so they can view your latest "modern art" project. Build up your own special service... when the bodies start to smell, clean the kitchen (the money you'll have made from entrance fees ...[text shortened]... ns instead of just disposing of them.
Awaiting your cheque,
Miss Right-... where's my Hand?
Thank you for your continued sage wisdom and eloquent counsel of these unwashed heathens.
Muchos gracioso,
HH